Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

[twokittlepumpkins]

I have a new job and couldn't make the Christmas party and it's been pointed out how it's really important to make social occasions.

I'm barely keeping things together as it is- now I am going to be made to feel bad for not being able to go to the party ?

I only have so much energy in a day and I need my sleep to function - I have to sleep by 9 pm if I want to be able to get up at 6 to do the school run and then get to work.

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.

I also have two kids, 2 and 5. Just the fact that I'm working my arse off at this new job, I am working harder than I've probably ever worked in my life. I am working full time and 3 days in the office. I'm chatting to everyone and putting myself out there when I'm there. There aren't any working parents in my particular role / team. I just don't think they get it at all. The MD has now asked on three separate occasions if I am going to the party and then if I went. Each time he made me feel rubbish about it. Raising his eyebrow and pointing out how important it is to make these events.

I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding. I made it clear that I love socials but having a Christmas lunch would be more appropriate for me at the moment. I had only a week or so notice of the party and couldn't find anyone to pick up the slack the next day- which is what would have been required.

My husband can't just take a day off work because I'm too tired to get up from the Christmas party. He also would have needed more notice.

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

I can not come to after work drinks often as I need to pick up my kids. Surely it's more important that I'm able to function the next day to do my job? Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

If you’re not being paid to be at the social events you don’t go. Easy.

Can you privately speak to HR about your health condition OP? Just having childcare commitments is enough but it’s especially not ok for this pressure to be put on you when you also have health issues.

Blame the kids every time. "I'd love to go if it was a lunch, but I can't do evenings as I can't get a sitter."

YANBU. The MD is being silly. It is entirely likely that a new employee could have scheduling conflicts with the Christmas party just due to not knowing when it was until they started. If you are working out of the office it probably is a good idea to attend social events, but you know that and if you had had time would have organized it so you could be there.

I used to hate those type of events and I respect the fact you are even entertaining going with your medical issues and family commitments. I went on one training course and we had to all go in a minibus, all of us apart from one man who insisted on cycling. He told a co-worker 'why would I want to spend time with people I wouldn't let my dog lie on?'. We all agree with him TBH, and waved to him with much respect as we zoomed past him cycling stoically to the training course venue through the rain.

But how can you expect them to understand when you have not told them that you have a medical condition? They are not psychic.

Also the "Oh but i'm a parent" thing, most parents do manage to go out occasionally after 9pm. Yes having kids is tiring and we've all been through it, but the reason it is impacting you so much is because of your illness.

Suck up them making "you feel bad" or tell them about your medical condition, you can't have it both ways.

Where's the understanding of people's circumstances?

But they don't actually know your circumstances?

You have perfectly valid reasons for not going but what are you telling them? "Childcare" is of course a reason itself but it doesn't always stop parents going to work socials (if they want to).

Does he know you have MS?

I would be tempted to send him a polite email explaining that you have an illness which means you can’t attend. Perhaps include a link to MS charity website explaining what MS and how it effect people.

If it continues then I would be speaking to HR as this is discrimination against someone with a disability.
https://www.mssociety.org.uk/living-with-ms/newly-diagnosed/ms-and-your-rights#:~:text=Is%20everyone%20with%20MS%20protected,disabilities%20under%20the%20Equality%20Act.

Tbh op I think you'd be better making them aware of your ms. I have a close friend who also struggles with fatigue related to ms and she's needed support and flexibility from her employer to help her manage it. I think you should be informing hr and then your md will be bound to work in an inclusive way to avoid discrimination.

If you don't make them aware of these things you can't complain they don't show understanding. Childcare is really only half of the issue here for you because you would be able to do more social events if you weren't going to be too exhausted from them to manage after them.

I have MS and told work and they are now very thoughtful and if I'm too tired in the morning to go to the office I work from home or start later.

Can your partner not help with the school run and why do you need to get up at 6am to do it?

Why aren't you telling them about your MS?

It's a protected condition under the Equality Act , they have a duty to make adjustments

But if they don't know they can't be expected to mind read

How do you expect them to be considerate of your circumstances when you haven’t told them? They aren’t psychic.

Reasonable adjustments to your work/life balance is needed here. Fess up to HR, hopefully the pressure will slacken a bit.

YANBU X

You need to tell them about your condition as others have said.

I get you OP, but I don't think you can fairly assess their response when they don't know your circumstances.

I would share your diagnosis with whoever you feel comfortable. You could add that you love social events, but that the aren't feasible for your from a health perspective.

Might be helpful too to share

https://www.mssociety.org.uk/living-with-ms/working-and-ms/information-for-employers#:~:text=As%20the%20employer%20of%20someone,by%20someone%20else%20at%20work.

I don't go, when they ask me why I tell the truth - their outings focus on eating and drinking. I don't drink, I'm on a proper weight loss journey and I can't afford multiple nights out in a month. They respect that

Does he know about your illness? If so, this is verging on disability discrimination

You really do need to tell HR about your condition to protect yourself and to require work to put in place reasonable adjustments. Of which not being required to attend work socials would be one, and maybe working from home more

The OP's situation isn't about drinking, weight loss journeys or money.
She needs to disclose her medical condition so that her employer is aware. Of course it's reasonable to point out childcare issues as well but I don't think that being the only working parent on the team should have any relevance.

She says she hasn't disclosed it and it certainly isn't discrimination if she hasn't.

If they've asked you multiple times and you've just said "I can't", I'm not surprised there are raised eyebrows. Either make up an excuse or tell the truth to HR.

I have MS.
If OP doesn't want to disclose her illness, that's her choice.
Likewise if she doesn't want to go out after work.
A simple "I can't make it, due to childcare" is enough.
Her boss is being an arse to push the issue.

I have MS - You are doing so well balancing all that!

Think about disclosing the MS. If you have a bad flare up and suddenly need treatment, it will be easier if they already know, rather than having to explain at the time.

I'm on probation and I'm worried they'll think I can't do the job.

I already feel like I need to prove myself twice as hard.

There are no women with kids doing my role.

But why should anyone have to make excuses? It's only a work night out.
Anyone who can't or doesn't want to go, why would you ask them multiple times? They don't want to go. That's fine.