Not getting Son In Laws presents anymore...

[Zebedee999]

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.
The trouble is neither of these men are what could be described as clean, careful, tidy etc so everything I get them ends up lost, broken or damaged in some other way.
As I am a bit OCD'ish and care for my own stuff this stresses me then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.
I have decided, for my sanity, and to stop me nagging them, I simply won't buy them anything physoical anymore. I'll pay for a meal out etc but no more gifts for everyone's sake.
I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

AIBU?

Erm, you said it op

I thought such gifts would help set them up. For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail.

Depends on practical gift -
Dyson hair dryer or nice headphones - yes
A ironing board or a cleaning equipment unless specifically asked for by receiver - no

Ironing board is not just for son in law, it's for everyone to use. There is no thought in this so called thoughtful gift.

Clealy op is anything but thoughtful. I also have mild OCD and it's mentally exhausting.

Have you tried ERP or ACT therapies?

It was sold, because most people who iron (I'm not one of them) already own an iron and board. And £100 to £400 is a lot of money you might need more than an iron and board.

I think SILs were passive aggressive about these t'houghtful' gifts, indirectly telling OP to stop giving them these household equipments.

Agreed. If my MIL bought me such thoughtless gifts and then nagged me how I am taking care of them, I would say the same or sell them off.

OP I can understand being disappointed if your gifts don’t seem to be valued. It does sound like you were expecting them to change a bit when they set up home and become maybe a bit more domestically focused, so your gifts were focused on giving them the tools for that, whereas they sound like they aren’t really interested in that sort of lifestyle.

Helping children set up a new home with domestic focused gifts was a very normal thing for parents to do when I was setting up on my own, I’m surprised so many PPs seem to think it’s odds. An ironing board, pans, crockery, etc. I had no idea of all the expense involved until I moved out! I can see why you might have assumed such gifts would be appreciated. But you’ve seen that they aren’t as wanted as you expected, so starting to give them things they will appreciate more makes a lot of sense for them and for you.

I’m not really clear why it’s your son-in-law not your DC that the not giving presents is aimed at, though. Wouldn’t you give gifts like that to both of them? Is it only what you give your son-in-law that gets trashed?

I would also lie and tell you the ironing board broke/airer got lost. Weird presents, get a life and stop assuming things about theirs!

Thank you!!!

You had good intentions, you did your best and they didn’t seem to value the things you gave them. A restaurant voucher, a few Costa gift cards or an Amazon voucher are fine. I’d make it £50 max.

If you're going to spend £400 on anyone, I would want their input. It's a lot of money, even if you're minted.

I have got practical gifts from my MIL in the past, slow cooker, small step ladder etc however, she asked me what I wanted. If I had just got this without any pre warning, I would have to say, I would be really underwhelmed

How unkind. Seems like you are the horrendous one here.

Surely there's a middle ground between spending £400 and nothing at all?

My parents get DH a nice bottle of his favourite spirit for Christmas - he'd think they were dying if they started spending £400

If my family ask me to get something for my DH from them (at last minute most years) I get him a Lynx gift set, which he will use and is happy with. Last year I got him a cheeseboard from them, just for a change.

Last week my mum said to buy something for everyone for £100 each. I said it to DH and he said he’d rather have the Lynx giftset 😂 I told her he would die of shock if they spent £100 on him, but I might push the boat out and get him the lynx and a cheese selection. I think it’s nice to get stuff you can use or consume rather than cluttering up the house. Random bath/beauty sets are the exception: those may as well go straight to charity unless you know the person likes that particular brand.

I do think some people overdo it, my MIL gets me a gift similar in value to my DH but it’s a pain when she starts asking for ideas. I’ve started just saying airline vouchers, or M&S vouchers. A lot of her previous gifts to me have ended up in charity shops as they’re her taste, not mine 😢

@Zebedee999 maybe just give a generic food/drink gift to the family and that covers the Sons in law. Good luck!

I wouldn't have appreciated household items as a joint Christmas gift, no
The exception being my late DM paid for a tumble drier, but I had a newborn at the time, so was very grateful
Maybe a voucher for a department store JL or M&S would be better and even then you can't be annoyed by what it's spent on.

I'd love an ironing board. Said no one, ever.

OP - it’s very likely they have sold or regifted some of these things and are saying they are lost or broken to spare your feelings.

Probably best to ask about expensive practical gifts before getting them - or just stick to smaller token gifts and some money.

@Zebedee999 do you have OCD (no need to answer here if you don’t want to.) If you do then you have my genuine sympathy and best wishes. I hope you’re able to get support.

There is a big difference between wanting to be careful about items, being clean and tidy and having OCD though. At its worst, as PPs have said, this is a really severe MH and mean staying alive is a daily struggle. Please don’t use the term if you don’t have it, it undermines the severity of the condition for those of us suffering.

To answer your original OP, I think it’s perfectly reasonable of you not to want to give gifts if the end result is going to be you are upset. Like you and others have suggested vouchers/cash/experiences/food out might be a better approach.

On your original question YANBU

Reference to OCD-ish YABU unless you actually have OCD

Op I think you are missing the point that practical gifts, like tools get used. Unfortunately, unless you are spending over £1k on the tools, £400 doesn't buy a lot of quality. They break. Tools are also very easy to lose.

You have to accept that they are different people to you. Perhaps they didn't want practical gifts. Personally I'd rather have a treat type gift. Because when we set up home, I'd already had enough tools/practical thing.

it does sound a little controlling that you have never actually asked what you sils want

I was given an ironing board as an 'engagement' present (we had just told people we were going to get married) and I changed my mind about the whole thing.
Still got the ironing board though as it's hardly ever used.

Same. I have no use for "bath sets". Sensitive skin and allergies mean I use very specific, very boring stuff and the people who insist on buying me bath sets are wasting their money. The air fryer I was gifted however, brilliant gift that I use all the time. The gardening tools, brilliant gifts I use all the time. Both bring joy all year because of what I can do with them.

My parents bought us a vacuum cleaner one year because ours basically exploded and it was right before Christmas and we had no money for a replacement. It was so much better than our old one, my DH was grinning when he vacuumed on Christmas day.

Some people don't get it.

Everyone loves vouchers, simple, their choice to get what they want. Also that's a lot of money, very generous. X

Buy an experience like a meal out or my girls are good they bought their dad a fishing 🎣 experience a day out fishing in a trawler he loved it but why do you spend so much money?

Sounds like my son’s MIL who, from the first Christmas my son was going out with her daughter (for 6 weeks), spent hundreds of pounds on him. It was significantly more than we were spending on him at that age, because we cut back a bit once our kids became adults. Unfortunately, my son is very financially oriented and he decided due to this that we were mean parents, despite all the bikes, scalectric sets, etc, etc, together with piles of other presents, holidays to Disney etc, etc. She continued to outspend us over the years and his MIL became his favourite family.

I have no sympathy for you. You sound a bit obnoxious.

Once a gift is handed over it's absolutely nothing to do with you anymore.