Not getting Son In Laws presents anymore...

[Zebedee999]

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.
The trouble is neither of these men are what could be described as clean, careful, tidy etc so everything I get them ends up lost, broken or damaged in some other way.
As I am a bit OCD'ish and care for my own stuff this stresses me then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.
I have decided, for my sanity, and to stop me nagging them, I simply won't buy them anything physoical anymore. I'll pay for a meal out etc but no more gifts for everyone's sake.
I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

AIBU?

I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.

I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

How on earth do you know when a gift is lost or damaged? Are you asking after presents you gave years ago? You’re buying them expensive gifts they never wanted or asked for and then harassing them about those gifts. Do you do this to everyone in your family?

Good idea. And please add what you bought for your daughters.

There’s three types of people in the world, people who are very particular about their stuff, don’t even like signs of wear and tear, people who use stuff as it should be used but yes it will show use in time, and people who mistreat and maltreat belongings- laptop as a tea tray for example (I kid you not). If you son in laws fall in to camp 3 then don’t buy them anything. If they are camp 2 and you are camp one then yabu, it’s life. Though I do think you should be careful and show appreciation by action when someone bought you something (I’m camp 1 btw). Afew years ago a colleague left work, she’d only been with us a year but we still wanted to do something nice, she was going into an admin role so we did a collection and got her some lovely stationary/diary etc for the new job. Less than a month later she swung by to say hi, kids in tow. They were proudly drawing scribbling - using the stationary and diary!! After she left we all said if you don’t like it give it to your kids to but show us as much!! She could have asked them o leave it at home!

Not unreasonable at all to spend a lot less.
Spending nothing because they haven't invited you to see the iron in it's cupboard when you've 'nagged" about it, pretty unreasonable.
Buying an iron in the first place when it sounds like they hadn't asked for one but you decor they'd need one, unreasonable.
If that's one of the items that's mysteriously vanished them I would assume that's because very few people iron these days and they exchanged it for something more useful or fun. I'd probably have done the same, not expecting to be asked about it again, and made up some guff about lending it to a friend on the spot.

How does one lose an iron and ironing board? (Asking for a friend.)
Is Old Spice still a thing? Get them some of that. Awful stuff but still better than an ironing board.

Sounds like you are trying to control them and they aren't falling for it.

Stick to buying a Lynx giftset.

As soon as you've given the gift, it's nothing to do with you anymore, as it's their property.

I think you're mad for spending so much. But it's up to you.

I would not be impressed if my MIL bought an ironing board, iron, heated clothes rail & tool box even if they were £400.

A thoughtful gift of something they actually liked - alcohol, hobby related etc but a lower value would be much better appreciated.

I would definitely rather someone didn't buy me a gift if they were going to nag me endlessly about it.

When I was diagnosed with ASD I was diagnosed with ASD with OCD tendencies. It could be interpreted as ‘a bits OCDish’ ? Not the point of the thread but just made me think.

I can feel the weight of your disapproval and disappointment from here OP.

Honestly? Rein it back or they’ll back away from you massively. I’ve seen it first hand, the present giver with unspoken strings is now very lonely. It’s not nice to see.

What do your children who are married to these men say, @Zebedee999 ?

I wouldn't want the iron or board but wouldn't say no to a heated clothes rail.

+1

I have recently become involved in helping the OCD community (patients and allies) in a professional capacity, and one of the things I have learned is that they really would prefer that people stop using "my OCD side", "OCDish", etc, as a way of saying "I am a bit fussy about details". OCD is indeed a debilitating condition, and it's about far more than checking twice that the cooker is off or folding your clothes a bit more neatly than other people.

The OCD people are not especially militant about this, and they don't tend to call it out in public or on social media as much as some other groups who would like people to be careful with their language, but it would be nice if people who are nowhere near a diagnosis of OCD could find another word for their own minor behavioural excesses. If you are the kind of person who would avoid saying "Oh, you're such a spazz" when someone drops something, you could consider removing "OCD" from your vocabulary too. 🙏

I think it's because OP checks up on presents that have been given to make sure they are still in the SILs house and in good condition. Can you imagine? If my MIL did that we would not have a good relationship.

Many many years ago my late DMil bought me a stainless steel colander and a washing up brush for Christmas, luckily it was from M&S so I exchanged them after Christmas for a jumper. Maybe that is why you cant find your expensive household items.

I suspect that you might not be as good at gift giving as you think you are, despite your clearly good intentions.

If the items are 'going missing' they are probably either going to charity shops or being regifted.

My FIL once got MIL an ironing board cover as a joke gift. She whacked him over the head with it 🤣

Household items are not gifts!

Sounds like you’ve given them terrible presents which cost you a fortune. I think it will be win-win if you stop.

This all sounds a bit odd.

Firstly you spend a fortune on gifts that you think they should want and be using without checking whether they actually want/need these things.

Secondly - the types of gifts you have mentioned sound like the sort of things you would give to a couple and not a well thought out SIL gift - if my MIL gifted me an iron that I hadn't asked for, I would assume it was a passive aggressive dig.

Finally - you come over a bit "Spanish Inquisition" constantly interrogating them about the whereabouts of the gifts you have given them - which makes it all sound a bit of a burden to the couple. Either give gifts freely or not at all.

This sounds very controlling. A gift is given with no expectation, but you clearly have very precise expectations on how your children’s families should live, and how they should be incorporating your gifts into their lives, even though, by the sounds of it, you didn’t ask of they’d were wanted.

It appears you have taken offence that they make their own decisions and might want to do things differently to you.

I haven’t read all the responses………. So sorry if this has already been said.

Your son in laws have not lost/broken their £400 worth of irons, ironing boards and heated clothes rails. They sold them.

And then used the cash to buy something that an adult actually wants to receive for Christmas. And I’m sorry to say - I don’t blame them! I know you meant well and it was a generous amount of money to spend….. but did they actually want/need those things, or did you just think it was a good idea? I’d be quite disappointed if anyone had a budget of £400 to spend on me and bought practical things (that I already own cheaper versions of!) For that amount of money you could buy a PlayStation, a long weekend break abroad, designer clothes, hobby/sports items related to their interests etc.

My DH would have been over the moon. Because it’s stuff you need but it’s boring to spend money on.

How did they manage to lose an iron and an ironing board?!