Not getting Son In Laws presents anymore...

[Zebedee999]

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.
The trouble is neither of these men are what could be described as clean, careful, tidy etc so everything I get them ends up lost, broken or damaged in some other way.
As I am a bit OCD'ish and care for my own stuff this stresses me then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.
I have decided, for my sanity, and to stop me nagging them, I simply won't buy them anything physoical anymore. I'll pay for a meal out etc but no more gifts for everyone's sake.
I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

AIBU?

Iron, ironing board and heated clothes rail - would have cost a small fortune if higher end products, but speaking for myself I’d hate this as a Christmas present.

@Zebedee999 I can see what you were trying to do with the housewarming gift, but you've found out it was misguided. Setting someone up in the way you think they should be set up, isn't the best way and yes, probably asking what they would like, or money, would have been better and would save you the angst of your gifts not being appreciated.

I think the amounts you quote as spending are quite high and for Christmas and birthdays would tone it down and give personal gifts that hit the spot. In our family we make gift lifts that show the kind of things we'd enjoy and people either choose directly off the list or go for similar and I usually have a word with partners to see if anything specific's been mentioned.

Definitely go for the meal in future. At the moment they are not so much getting a present but the burden of a random object to look after

Blimey OP, how much did they spend on you? 🤔
And I don't mean a joint gift from your Daughters with their names tagged on.

Maybe he sold it for drug money?

If they don't like it, they aren't going to take care of it. What you think of as a 'thoughtful and well considered' present, they might well think of as potential charity shop donation. Which might well be where they ended up but nobody wants to tell you - so they pretend it was broken or lost.

I also think the presents you gave are odd even if they were expensive but why are you nagging your sons-in-law and checking up on where the stuff is?

My first thought was they sold the stuff. Or chucked it all in the garage if they were not going to use it.

What do your daughters think and say about it all?

Have you considered that they didn't lose or break these things but returned or sold them for something they actually wanted? Then when you unexpectedly ask they claim it was lost

You seem like a really nice person. I can see why you are hurt, you're thoughtful and generous, buying decent appliances so they don't have to spend. Unfortunately that is lost on some people. For my brother in law I just get "fancy" bath products, this year I got a Molten brown cracker. My mum just buys socks or a bottle of wine/gin with a nice label!!!

Check what they want in the future or just forget big gifts and given a nice quality token present.

Ps, sorry to pile on, I've got OCD contamination and it makes life hell for me and my family. I'm on medication and life is extremely challenging (wish I could go and live on an island by myself sometimes). Its starting to grate when it's thrown out as another phrase for organised .

I’m so confused! Can you just answer in simple terms OP? What did you buy, for what occasion and what happened to it?

eg iron - birthday - got lost.

That way nobody will need to accuse anyone of making things up.

I still don’t get why you need to follow up the well-being of the gifts after they’ve been given though.

Yes, I'm an adult, I choose and buy my own household appliances! The only time it might be appropriate is as a housewarming present, but even then I'd check if they needed one and which one they wanted. They're definitely not Christmas or birthday presents unless discussed before hand.

OP my MIL is buying us a set of ninja pans for Christmas, we are about to have our kitchen refitted, and after I'd admired hers and asked how they held up in the dishwasher etc, she said to both of us, would you like me to get you the 7 pan set for Christmas? Usually she buys me perfume, nice candles, cashmere gloves, books etc. She knows I love to cook and the pans are expensive and well made. She also made it very clear that it was entirely up to us.

If you want to get them things for their home why don't you give them a decent John Lewis voucher? People usually like to have some say in long term items for their home.

There is a lot wrong here.

I wouldn't have been happy with household or domestic items as a present. This is more housewarming.

And also, most people have their own ideas with regards to brands and specifications. Unless they have specified a particular item, you shouldn't buy this type of stuff.

It sounds like you are getting them stuff you think they should have, not what they actually want, which is why it gets mislaid, regifted, given away or taken to the tip.

You are also out of order wanting to know the whereabouts of your gifts.

My suggestion would be to ask them what they would like.

You never heard the mumsnet story of the missing ironing board????

What did you get him last Christmas?

And what did he do with it?

Why are you keeping tabs on where the presents are once gifted? That's really control freakish.
Maybe they didn't love receiving an ironing board....

I'm kind of torn. You never had to buy them such expensive gift to begin with so are defitniely not obliged to continue. But the examples you mentioned are odd gifts and not really the place of someone to gift. If you wanted to get them things for their house vouchers would have been more appropriate as they would get to make their own choices.

Maybe you need to reframe your thinking about it? The gifts you've described are exactly the kind of things you might lend to a friend, relative or neighbour though. Practical/DIY-related gifts. So you really can't get annoyed if they've chosen to do that, to help someone out and that person still has hold of it for whatever reason. It doesn't mean they didn't respect your gift, they're just making sure they get used.

Any response to this OP?

You’re not OCDish, you’re a control freak.

I expect they sold/rehomed the ironing board and heated aired and bought something they wanted.

Give them proper presents this year. Put some thought into it.

I spend about £25 on my SILs or they get a joint present with my dds

Never give presents if you don't like the way people treat them, or may treat them. A consumable like a meal out or some favourite wine or beer are much better gifts.

My parents spend between £20-30 on mine and my brother’s spouses. They are more than happy with the gifts they receive and I honestly believe they would be embarrassed if £100+ was spent on them. You need to seriously reduce your budget. Christmas is about more than the gifts.

What is the purpose of a gift? Ask yourself this.

You're buying them things you think they need not what they want, and they you're nagging them when they go missing. OP, can you not see how insufferable that is?

Very few people who suffer from OCD would identify themselves as "I'm a little bit OCD" or, in other words, "I am a little bit Obsessively and/or Compulsively Disordered".