Not getting Son In Laws presents anymore...

[Zebedee999]

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.
The trouble is neither of these men are what could be described as clean, careful, tidy etc so everything I get them ends up lost, broken or damaged in some other way.
As I am a bit OCD'ish and care for my own stuff this stresses me then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.
I have decided, for my sanity, and to stop me nagging them, I simply won't buy them anything physoical anymore. I'll pay for a meal out etc but no more gifts for everyone's sake.
I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

AIBU?

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.

How about asking them what they actually want.

Absolutely yabu. You don't give gifts to then control how people use them. This is less about "ocd" tendencies and a need for control and I suggest you seek help for this before you damage your relationships.

You had no need to spend so much money on them in any case and gifts should be freely given with no strings attached. Dial it back to a nice meal voucher or a nice alcoholic drink or vouchers for a clothing store they like or similar. You are massively overdoing the presents but also over stepping. Why as their mil are you taking it upon yourself to nag them about anything??

I have zero use for a chainsaw, iron or ironing board, so it would mean I'd have to put it on FB marketplace and have that hassle to get rid.

If I need household chore products I can choose my own if needed.

I'd agree and never said it was. That was when they moved in together. I thought it useful as they didn't have any of this kit. Maybe I was wrong.

As well as being incredibly disappointed in an iron for Christmas I'm trying to imagine how someone lost it?

And how you know that he lost the iron?

I think you can buy them whatever you want, but why on earth are you asking after the presents? I don't understand? Are you in their house checking the ironing board is still intact, rustling around the shed checking there's nothing missing from the toolbox? That would annoy the life out of me if my MIL did that.

You did not buy someone an Iron and Ironing board for Christmas, then nag him when he "lost" it.

Sometimes people don't want things that they have to be careful with.

In a house with two active young children who like to climb and jump, I wince whenever anyone gives us anything breakable, however thoughtful.

Maybe because their clothes are always crumpled because they didn't really want an iron in the first place?!

SabbatWheel

Ive found my soul mate!!!

I watched a worse gift, gist list and I’d happily accept a new iron over body scrub or a candle, give me a bread maker over a fluffy pair of socks and bath salts.

I’ve asked for a new bread maker.

Based on suggestions given so far I should have asked what they wanted and perhaps have given cash only then I wouldn't feel the way I do. Good points thank you.

You are being that MIL. Not the worst thing, but stop now and get them a nice bottle of something instead while they hopefully still like you.

I would be so sad if someone bought me practical things as Christmas or birthday gifts, unless I asked for them. I like gifts to be treats. My mum usually gives us a food related gift voucher. This year, it's a walking food tour. Last year was a voucher towards a meal at a local Michelin * restaurant

Did it not occur to you that they might not have these things because they didn't want them? That might also be why they mysteriously lose your gifts too..

What do you get your daughters?

It's amazing how people make up fake information. At no point did I say I gave an iron for Christmas, or that anyone had lost it!

However, an expensive iron isn't practical for a lot of people. Many clothes these days don't need ironing. I very rarely iron clothes.

I don't think you have to ask them what they want - I hate being asked what I want, I like a surprise but something nice or fun not an iron

I appreciate you are OCD but you can't expect everyone else to be the same - what they do with a gift once you have given it is not really your business.

Are you sure they actually like/need the gifts you are buying? They may not have the heart to tell you the gifts are not to their taste.

I would stick to vouchers from now on.

For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail. Tool kit and so on.

I have a feeling that if those are the sort of gifts you bought then I’d say they are purposefully ‘lost’.
Rather than hurt your feelings, it’s easier to say they lost them, or someone borrowed them, to never be returned…

then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc

Why are you checking up on how they are treating the things you gave them in the first place?

This sounds a bit bonkers, OP, like they're school children who've lost their PE kit.

I could see how this might happen if they were your own children, where this might be a hangover from how you as their parent handled them as children. But they're not your children (presumably you didn't raise them?) so I can't understand why you would feel the need to treat them like they were.

So you bought your son in laws stuff for the house but it was just for them and not your daughters?

Did you buy these for Xmas/birthdays? in which case what do you buy your daughters on these occasions?

It doesn't sound like they have asked for any of the £400 gifts youve given? What are these nice things for life?

It sounds to me like you're trying to control what they have by not asking what they need or would like, the. get offended when they don't need them, or the items arent to their taste.

It also sounds like the sons in laws are the scapegoats here.

Even if you were setting up house and needed these things?

You said you bought these things on “special occasions” so did he get them for his birthday, then?

long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.

That only works if that's what they want though.

I would expect input into an expensive long lasting gift. They might treat them with more respect if it's something they wanted and if they understood the value of the gift.

It's definitely the right thing to take a step back from the kind of presents you have been buying it doesn't sound like it's working for anyone involved.