A nasty card given to child

[Ssvic]

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

Send a pic to the mum and then contact the s hook in January. Let the mum know how vile her child is

Normally I would advise going straight to the school however since his isn’t an option until January I would contact the parent just to make them aware of what’s happened.

id want to know if it was a one off incident or if it had been a few incidents before speaking to the mum .

Is DD name inside the card? On the envelope?

I’m aghast that some people don’t think this is bullying. Imagine the pain this little girl must feel about the words he used, worrying that they are true. Social groups and friends are so very important at any age, but particularly so when you are a child.

Something similar happened to me at primary school, a small group of girls (who I thought were my friends) posted to me a valentines card purportedly from a boy in my class (he was not a very nice boy - looking back now he was probably quite neglected by his parents). The girls laughed and giggled at me when asking about whether I’d received in the post, telling me they were just pretending to be my friend.

This was over 50 years ago and it still makes me distressed remembering the humiliation and distress I felt at the time. It left me with a lifelong internal distrust of some people, worrying that they maybe just pretending to be my friend.

It's worth remembering that "telling" can sometimes make things worse for kids in school. It really does depend on the ethos of the school and how well they handle situations like this. My child's bully was hauled out of the class while the teacher screamed "I've had Mrs Pureboggin on the phone complaining about you!" As you can imagine life at school for my child wasn't great for a while after the teacher told everyone he was a grass.

And please, whatever you do DO NOT post it on a group WhatsApp group. It's petty and childish and will not help anyone. This is a child we are talking about and whilst what he did was awful and unkind, shaming him and his family publicly will only escalate things.

What leaves a bitter taste in my mouth about waiting until the school goes back in January is that a little girl has received a horrible message inside what should have been a lovely gesture (I know my kids love to receive cards), obviously been very hurt by this, and it will have soured her Christmas break until she was able to talk to her mum about it and share the load.

Meanwhile, the horrible boy that wrote the horrible message is just cracking on with his Christmas break, no comeuppance for his actions.

Also, if my child had sent something like that and I'd just carried on with all the festive fun planned with them I'd be absolutely mortified. And furious.

If you don't tell the parent - she doesn't have a chance to talk to her child about what has happened, and rather than waiting 2/3 weeks it can be dest with now.

Putting the card on the WhatsApp group will untimely embarrass the parent, the parent didn't do this, their 9 year old child sent this card ( we think) and you want the parent onside to deal with the matter - not send her in to defence mode

100%

I’m normally a firm believer in letting the school handle it, but that’s because it’s impossible in most cases to get to the bottom of things as parents.

Anything written/ factual like this or screenshotted stuff I would send to the parent though. If it was my child I would want to know about it.

I would contact the school. The school may have broken up for students, but staff are likely working through end of next week preparing for the next term. There will always be someone monitoring emails even over Christmas for safeguarding reasons. It would absolutely not be the right to contact the parent directly in this situation. The school will know how to handle it.

Jostuki · Today 08:54
As the school has broken up I would directly contact the mother and send a photo of the card. Be factual,
Hello Deirdre, I'm Petunia's mother and your son Barnaby gave her this Christmas Card. I know I would want to know if my child has done something awful so I thought you should see it.

This and copy to school.

It would absolutely not be the right to contact the parent directly in this situation.

^^This is just your opinion, no more or less. I disagree.

Good god no please don't do this you will open that child up to more bullying.

How horrid for your daughter. As others have said, it’s not bullying as bullying is defined as repeated, targeted incidents, and a power imbalance. It is, however, very unkind. Let the school deal with it. That way they can deal with the boy and his parents in a rational way. If you try and deal with it, you’re likely to be more emotional. Putting it in the WhatsApp is a terrible idea. The parent of the boy is likely to become defensive and it’ll make it much harder to deal with.

Not only that parents will speak to their children and the perpetrator will spread it around and open up the child ridicule and bullying.

I think I might message the class WhatsApp group something about my daughter receiving a very unpleasant Christmas card from one of her classmates, and that I was just giving them a heads up so that they could speak to their children to see if anyone else had been targeted and were upset about it, without mentioning any names. And naturally I would be taking this up with the school in the new year. Let the little so-and-so squirm.

BS. A single incident like this IS bullying.

If the school hadn’t broken up then I would have spoken to them.

But since they have, then I would message the mum/dad.

I would be careful how I worded it so she doesn’t get defensive.

I would probably say something like - “Hi xxx it’s Xs mum. sorry to message you out of the blue but I have found a card with a nasty message saying ……. and it is signed by your son. I’m not sure if it was from your son or if he was the one who gave it to her as she’s too upset to talk about. As you can imagine she’s very distressed over it and I don’t want her worrying over it over the Xmas period and so I thought I’d message you so we can clear it up before they go back to school in January”.

I'd email the school with photos of the card attached and follow up with a call or visit to receptionist in Jan.
So sorry your DD got that horrible card. Kids can be cruel.
Id put all her lovely cards up and concentrate on having a lovely Christmas 🥰

Good idea, shine a light on this nasty behaviour.

I would contact the school now, though I would also say 'I understand that term is finished and I am not expecting a reply or for this to be followed up until the new term'. I think it's good for your child to know you aere acting immediately, even if it can't be investigated for a few weeks. I'm a teacher, and I don't mind receiving emails in the holidays, provided it's understood that there might not be an effective response until term resumes.

I'm with all the posters who say don't talk to the parent (who will defend and minimise it). Talk to the school.

If you live in Scotland this would be regarded as a bullying incident. A new policy has redefined it to include any incident....it doesn't have to be repeated.

https://www.gov.scot/publications/respect-national-approach-anti-bullying/pages/3/

Do not do this - never contact a parent if blows the problem up. Always contact the school. There should be a safe guarding email address which should be checked regularly or head of school or board member.

RTFT