A nasty card given to child

[Ssvic]

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

I feel for your little girl and this kind of bullying is just awful with very long-lasting effects. I don't think this can wait until after Christmas. As you're in contact with this child's mum, I agree with the others who have suggested sending her a photo of the card and letting her know what her child has been up to.

If you're uncomfortable contacting the family directly, you could try emailing the school now, as even though they're closed some senior staff will still be monitoring their emails. Then you can get the ball into someone else's court and not have it hanging over you all over Christmas.

Your daughter has been very brave and Santa needs to make an extra fuss of her this Christmas xxx

You can't contact the mum, you don't even know it was definitely that child. I would prioritise my DD in the short term, done good chats about what's going on at school etc and then contact school when they go back regarding the card.

The WhatsApp group - it might just be DD that received such a card and not only be embarrassing from her that so many people know (some may tell their kids too) but also then become gossip. If it’s a stand alone thing it could bring up a lot of attention on your DD when she goes back.

Personally, I don’t like the idea of another kid, even a little shit, also being the subject of the gossip and side effects either. You never really know what’s going on. I would rather it was dealt with on official channels.

Do this.

I would definitely put something in the chat.

The little shit deserves to be known for what he's done and his parent should be made aware. For anyone saying it might not be from the person in the card, well, we'll see about that when the other parents recognise use the cards given to their children from said child. IMO schools just don't deal with bullies too well anymore. A friend of mine had a chair thrown at her by a student, the student got a training to and was advised to practice mindfulness. It's a load of bollocks, if my DC ever wrote a card like that I'd come down on them like a tonne of bricks.

Always deal with the school and not the parents. There may be people/teachers still in school so I would go from there first by contacting them.

I think this is also good

Email the teacher and the head-as it’s the holiday, hopefully one of them will answer.

I expect your dd is right about it being a ‘naughty’ boy, who is troubled by something and in no way a true reflection on how people feel about your dd.

I'm not condoning the message in the card but i think some of the responses here are a bit OTT

It's an unkind message and good for school to be aware of it, but I wouldn't regard it as an urgent safeguarding / bullying issue that can't wait until January, as some are suggesting

It may be indicative of a safeguarding need for the other child, which is why
approaching the other parent is the wrong way to go.

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. What a horrible horrible start to the Christmas break.

Some appalling advice about name and shaming on the WhatsApp group / approaching the parent directly… don’t do that!

I’m not for a moment excusing the horrible card - but the school will have a whole picture and be able to tackle this appropriately. If you start your own background squabble with the other parent and muddy the waters you’re making it harder for the school to manage.

send a message to the school immediately - marked urgent. Ideally to both head teacher and head of key stage / year.

reassure your daughter that she’s brilliant, and grown up, and that you’ll make sure the school manages it properly.

model to her that being unkind / shaming / starting arguments with peers is inappropriate behaviour and tackle it via official channels

sending you grit, glad your daughter has you on her team!

I am so sorry this has happened to your little girl. We don't know how the parent will react, do not go directly to the parent. I don't think it's right for you to get parents contact details from a class WhatsApp group to then start contacting them directly. Parents shouldn't be doing this unless they have some sort of friendship/relationship with the person they are contacting, and they know the parent wouldn't mind. Parents don't join class groups to be bombarded with accusations via pvt message or on the group chat. There is a process, and the process must be followed. Go directly to the teacher, and follow it up. Ask what will be done to address this. Keep an eye on further bullying. Ask your daughter to be open about what happens in school. Tell her that his behaviour is not 100% not acceptable and to let you know of any further incidents , not just by him but other children too (he'll probably have friends of similar character-birds of a feather and all that). If teacher has not resolved, complain to the headteacher about the bullying. But first, ask your daughter if she's thrown the first stone. She needs to be open with you , you need to make sure that she's not started this off in the first place and that he's not just retaliating. Sometimes we hear only one side of the story and are put in a rather embarrassing position when we have to find out the other side from a teacher or another parent.

I would contact the mum if I knew her. It's absolutely disgusting.

please can I say if you do contact the parent that it’s approached in a polite manner as chances are they don’t know and will probably be mortified.
I say this as a parent whose child wrote a slightly unkind message which I was unaware of and the parent of the child who received it sent me a very nasty attacking message.
I was very upset as I had no idea what had been written. I had a chat with my child around being kind and it turns out there was some other underlying issue between them which I hadn’t been made aware of.
i spoke to my child and was very clear that it wasn’t acceptable and they wrote a lovely apology to the other child with a little gift.
I did apologise to the mum in the message and made it very clear I was unaware and I would deal with it and never recieved any acknowledgement from her regarding my message or my child’s. It was very upsetting actually

ive had 2 kids go through school and one who has been bullied. It’s not likely this one card is in isolation. Yes I’d contact the school and yes I’d describe it as bullying. 2 peer children don’t have a power imbalance but bullying amongst them still definitely occurs

I would put a photo of the front of the card on the whatsapp group and say your DD has received a very nasty card, and just a heads up to whoever DC sent it, you will be contacting the school so they can expect to be contacted. Then you may hear from others whose DC also got them, or the parent of the perpetrator may approach you directly

I do not think that responses are OTT. I think that the young girl who received the card needs to know that Mum is standing up for her - and that it will be followed up (Mum please do not let school fob you off, they will need to demonstrate to your daughter that they have taken some action).

There is so much awareness these days of 'banter' and standing up for yourself. We know that women are often reluctant to call out bullying behaviour. We need to teach our children that it is not just 'Middle class women of a certain age' that will not tolerate such behaviour.

@Ssvic I agree- He is either a nasty piece of work - Or has likely had abuse at home.

What a horrible thing for your daughter to have received- a great shame that she kept it- rather than tearing it up and handing it back.

He sounds disturbed . A nice happy child wouldn’t dream of doing something so spiteful.

Don’t contact the mum. Schools always ask parents to let the school deal with it as parents get defensive and things escalate.

id send an email to the teacher and copy in the person responsible for pastoral care with a photo of the card and let your daughter know you’ve done that. Ask for a meeting during the first week back to discuss the issues. Short and factual but create a paper trial.

Just to add to the voices cautioning that the name signed at the bottom might not be the author. We had similar at the same age. The signed name seemed so unlikely though - I knew the mum so called her and sent through a picture - she confirmed it wasn’t her daughter’s writing. There was another girl in the class who absolutely would have done it with the same name as the signed name eg it was signed Jane A and it was likely to be Jane B. We took it into school so they could compare handwriting and it was indeed Jane B.

I work in schools at a professional level. This is what I'd do:

1. post a picture of the card (front and inside) on the WhatsApp chat and ask if anyone else had received one or could help identify who the card was from- this'll force the parent of the bully to take immediate positive action (she can't 'hide' socially as others will have received the same pattern of card) instead of going into denial mode if reprimanded by school first.

2. make very clear that you're going to be reporting this to school and be taking this VERY seriously

3. send an email to school now, highlighting how upset your DD is

4. send an email to school on the first day back to jog their memory that you're just as concerned as you were when you sent your initial email and that you expect immediate action

The school is still on even if the kids are home. I would do it now trying to phone and see who is there.

I know the advice is to talk to the school, but I got fed up with their general uselessness and started dealing directly with parents when my dc had issues.

I'd want to know if it was my child, and that’s the approach I’d take with the other parent. Ring up, let them know what you’ve found. There could be more to it, than either of you know.

I was careful not to blame or accuse, and to show concern for the other parent and child so that the parent didn’t get defensive. The card could be a retaliation, and you need to know that too. If you approach it with the attitude that you’re both parents wanting the best for and of your dc, most people will meet you with common sense and kindness.

I’d speak to the school and inform the mum- if I didn’t get a satisfactory response from the mum directly I’d post the photo on the class WhatsApp as a reminder to everyone to teach their children to be kind- shame the woman! And yes I’m petty.

This. Alert all the other Mums about it.
The boy is very naughty and very mean.
Chances are he has sent more than just one doctored card.

Don't expose the boy's name but after you have alerted the group, I would personally send her a private note stating that if it were your child sending the card you would like to be informed so you can talk to said child. And send her a full picture of card.

I think your focus should be on your daughter. How does she feel about this? Does she believe it? I'd have a chat about the difference between opinions and facts. Id also have a big chat about how this has absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with the child who wrote it.

You can tell the school but they aren't likely to do much with it. Especially three or four weeks later when the schools go back. And you can tell the mum but what is she likely to do. A lesson for your daughter here could be that "you can't control the behaviour of other people but you can control how you react to it". He is a stupid and mean 9 year old boy.
His opinion of her should mean nothing. He's is like a little yappy dog. Making noise and trying to be important but is actually annoying and insignificant. She will encounter hundreds like him in her life so get the basics in first - his opinions are not her truth. Let her do whatever she wants with the letter - burn it, rip it up into a hundred pieces and throw it in the bin then spoil her a bit.