A nasty card given to child

[Ssvic]

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

Email the school, even though they've broken up sometimes someone will be working the admin side, if not they'll pick it up when school reopens after the holidays.

I always think it's best to keep these kind of things on a formal basis rather than addressing direct with the parent, it allows the school to pick up if they've had repeated complaints about the same child, see trends and link incidents, it also helps to prevent any accusations of inappropriate communications or behaviours,

I'd make light of this to your DD. Say he's definitely not on the good list after that!
But I would take it up with the school. I'd ask they keep an eye on any future interactions with this boy and that you don't want your DD sat with him. Get it firmly nipped in the bud.

I’d email the school now as many seem to monitor emails and respond to anything urgent. Although I would want to address it straight away, I think going directly to the mum may not end well which then takes the focus away from dealing with the problem. Use the time to find out any more details from your DD and reinforcing how great she is. Then in the new year make an appointment with the school to find out if anything else has been going on and what they plan to do about it.

Email school with the picture today. You don’t know who might be around before January. It would be nice for your daughter to know school are looking into it ASAP.

That's awful. If be contacting the parent to let them know you're forwarding it onto the school & to give her a Chance to want to sort it out herself

What a mean, spiteful little girl hopefully her parents are mortified

See, I wouldn't make light of it, as that might be diminishing OPs dc feelings and if he does something else in the future by making light of it the child might say anything. Its ok to talk about the fact it is a naughty thing to do, its ok to be hurt by his unkind words.

I would worry that there’s been some verbal or other types of bullying and that this card is part of a targeted campaign. Your DDs reaction goes some way to confirming this. It sounds as though she’s had a miserable time if she’s actually wanting you to act on it, and she’s clearly kept it to herself because she feels intimidated. I would contact the boy’s mum privately and show her the card. Tell her you have every intention of informing the school in January, but that you’re sure she would want to know what’s happening so she can talk to her son and find out what’s been going on, and whether anyone else is involved.

You do need to make it clear that you’re taking it up with the school, and don’t be talked out if it. They need to know so they can deal with it directly and spot signs of it, should it continue. Won’t do the little shit any harm to realise he’s in trouble at school after Christmas either.

OP - don't go approach your daughter just from a 'Ahh you poor thing, you little victim' pov BECAUSE she was straight up with you & said she does want you to talk to school which is brave AF!

Most kids would say no, wouldn't even give you info about it, just clam up. That's when you need delicacy.

So reward her for bravery, slap her on the back, as it were. Show her that she's strong & resilient & much better than the little cretin that sent it. Obviously she needs sympathy & understanding but it's great to teach her there's value in being open & direct & confident (whilst your heart is breaking cos Omg I'd throw up if I saw that card 😭)

It feels a bit odd/ sad to me that she kept the card tucked away instead of either ripping it up or showing you or someone else.

I would be worried if there is more going on. Whether this is part of him bullying her or 'negging'

It's a difficult balance as you don't want to ruin her Christmas but I would try to get an opportunity to find out more in case this is the tip of the iceberg

Speak to your daughter. She's 9. It's time to start giving her a little bit of autonomy over situations like this.

You can tell her, " I'm your mum and it is my job to keep you safe. I have to make the decision about we do about this but it's important to let you be part of making that decision because it is you that has to deal with it".

Then explore with her all of the options but ask her to reflect on all the different consequences -

"If I tell his mum or the school, how might you feel if they don't punish him"

(The reality is that unless the mother is very receptive and forthcoming, she won't know how or if he is punished)

"How might you feel if other children find out about it?"

"How might you handle it if he talks to you about it in class?"

The boy being punished or reprimanded shouldn't be the focus. Building your daughter's resilience and skills for dealing with situations should be. Yes in an ideal world both could be happening simultaneously but you can't control the punishment aspect so focus on the resilience aspect.

Yes, I'd send a photo of it to the parent with the good suggested message from @Jostuki and email the school the same photo.

But most important, I'd use it as an opportunity to explain to her that this is a life lesson in which we discover that just because someone else says something about us doesn't mean it is true. And although it's hurtful, it might help her to think about whether she should value the opinion of a mean boy at all. Then make a lost of all the people who do like her, including any classmates.

Speak to the school - never the parent! I’m an ex-teacher…always the school!

I really don’t think making light of it will help. It will leave DD thinking her feelings aren’t valid and mum isn’t taking it seriously. If this child has hidden the card, and not mentioned this boy then she’s clearly intimidated. She needs reassurance that she’s not the one at fault.

As a mum I'd want to know if my child had written this in a card to another child.

Please tell the mum.

Surely you can’t be that unfamiliar with human nature to not realise that some people react very badly to any form of criticism and may jump on the defensive (even when what happened is indefensible). Or perhaps deny involvement. The type of boy that would write this sort of message is not likely to have brilliant, upstanding role models as parents. While it will certainly be frustrating not to leap into action on this, the reaction she gets from the parents could well leave the OP feeling even worse about it, and may cause complications for the school in the new year when they address the problem.

Plus, as pp have pointed out, there is always the possibility that the name signed in the card is not the person that wrote it. In fact, it would be pretty stupid to sign one’s name in a poison pen letter wouldn’t it? Aren’t these things usually anonymous?

Another vote for keeping it within school, for them to investigate and deal with.
Email school with a picture of card. Also stating actions you would like to happen. Request a call back from the DSL for the first day back after the holiday to discuss what will happen.

Definitely email the school now, even if it's not picked up until new year your DD will know you've done something about it rather have it hanging over her all over the holidays.

And well done her for sharing it with you.

Thank you everyone so much. My little girl is very sensitive and she did cry when I mentioned I found it. She went really quiet. I don’t think I can wait till January. I don’t feel the school will deal with it properly. I will think hard about what to do. I’m just so angry. It’s s horrible message. Even as a joke it’s not nice. Thank you everyone for responding. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas. I will update with anything that happens from this now. I’m going to try forgetting about it for this morning as it’s really affecting my mood. I’m going to focus on giving her a lovely day and not dwell too much right now. I really wish I had found it earlier!

I’d send a picture and ask her if she can deal with it.
.Tell her you will contacting the school when it re opens

The school hasn't had the opportunity to respond as OP hasn't told them. How can the school therefore take a different line?

I'd post a picture of the offending card/message in the WhatsApp chat for all to see, naming and shaming the boy. But then I'm petty like that 🤷‍♀️

I don't understand why people are saying it's for the school to deal with. It's definitely for his parents to deal with!

Your little girl isn't "sensitive" she's just reacting normally. Please don't offer the school or anyone else that narrative as that's basically a passport to them saying LittleSsvic is "sensitive" and so makes a fuss about shit stuff that we want her to put up with. But not posting just to tell you off! Well done for making a plan to act on this.

"The type of boy that would write this sort of message is not likely to have brilliant, upstanding role models as parents."

That's not true.

And I know that because my own daughter bullied someone (and was also bullied) at school, despite coming from a home where that sort of behaviour is hugely frowned upon. She's gone on as an adult to become someone who is hugely kind - like the sort of person who will go out of her way to offer help to people who most of society reject and ignore.

In my case the mother of the boy my daughter was bullying came and knocked on my door, which was very brave of her. I was grateful to her for letting me know what was going on and it gave me the opportunity to confront my child over her behaviour at school, which I hadn't been aware of.

Goodness. I'm not suggesting that it's brushed to one side. But you can choose to make a big deal out of this, or say - that's not nice, he's a little shit ( in an age appropriate way) and you're dealing with it. Tell me if anything else happens. Now go and play and don't give this any more headspace - that's what I mean by not making it a big deal.
It's a silly thing done by a silly boy and she should treat it with the distain it deserves.