TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

Stepmothers have had a reputation since stories began.

I’ve noticed this for as long as I can remember- A step parent ( or live in partner) is a big risk to a child.

Yes. In an ideal world single mums should have enough financial support to have a stable home without a new partner. (And that answer doesn't include making them work more hours either).

And also yes, the news is 99% "violent and corrupt things men have done today". Drives me nuts.

This has been a safeguarding issue for years. It's a well known red flag.

As social workers we know the unrelated male is the most dangerous risk to a child but as always people will hide partners or you just don’t know which man as the vast majority are fine, but then you get these situations where they aren’t and the mums aren’t protecting the child but do protect the partner. Very hard to untangle

I'm a former foster carer.

I could almost guarantee that children who came to me were from homes with a step father. Those that were physically abused were usually very young and had been hurt by the new boyfriend of the mother in the first six months of that relationship.

The thing that always stuck out for me (apart from the new relationship) was that the mothers were below average intelligence and very vulnerable. And there was almost always drugs involved.

It's very well known and it's why people are asked who lives at home when a child is seen by a professional. So I suppose it is flagged to some degree but usually once a child is harmed.

MN is full of examples where single women with children get a new partner and then discover how difficult it is to make it work. I do not understand why they don't simply focus on the children as their priority.

Can you provide a link to the statistics evidencing your 90% - 95% assertion? Genuinely interested

It’s nowhere near that and also the Cinderella effect has been debunked a long time ago - it’s very old research.

Took me a while to realise that the "TW" in the heading meant 'trigger warning' and not 'trans women'. I think I need to step away from Mumsnet.

Nursing homes for elderly are needed as the older residents cannot physically care for themselves ( dementia usually)

They are funded from that person’s assets ( in the very best homes)

Single mothers are far younger and generally able bodied and can look after themselves-

No government would set up places like this!

It would encourage having kids just to stay there.

Difficult with statistics as perhaps the child is just more likely to report a step parents as opposed to a biological parent.

Combining families introduces all parties to a bigger group of people which will increase the chances of meeting an abuser - however it will also increase the chances of the child being able to seek help

Women can also be abusers, or collude with the men that are abusing. 🤷‍♀️

@NC10125 , I would love too see the statistics, on how many father’s, drop out of children’s lives completely after a split . My ex did , and he is the sort that turns up on the news blaming social services, when a tragedy has happened.

Agreed. I always said I would not have another adult living in my house until my dd was 18.

I wouldn’t go that far. Giving more effective powers to CMS to enforce the payment of child maintenance would be a good start.

It would also help to ensure new generations of women’s are more protective of their financial independence. Becoming a SAHM may be beautiful BUT it takes away the financial resources needed to escape a bad marriage/support your kids on your own if things turn bad.

I think the main change would be brought by changing our attitudes towards divorce and single parenthood. It takes great courage to walk away from an abusive relationship… just to face a lot of stigma, instead of support, from a big chunk of the population.

Women wouldn’t be putting up with so much nasty behaviours towards them AND their children, if they were not so scared of how they would be perceived and worried about financial hardship.

Mumsnet users are obsessed with bloody acronyms.

So easy to get things wrong.

One person was going on about their older teenage relative
having trouble with. SM

Sado Masochistic relationship?
Social Media?

No - Selective Mutism

Just type what you mean.. It saves much misunderstanding and doesn’t take long.

Sounds like a women’s refuge of which there are many but this person is kidding themselves if they think single mums would want to live in some commune long term. Like why?

The issue is not new partners per se, it’s more complex than that. Jess, who’s degree educated and divorced with a good job and who starts a relationship with a man with similar credentials is statistically very unlikely to be putting her children at risk by having a relationship. For Lisa, who grew up in care and was subjected to abuse as a teen and had a baby with a man who is now in prison and goes from one violent relationship to the next, it’s a totally different story.

Children born to parents with chaotic lives are more likely to have step parents. The types of people that their parents choose as new partners are unlikely to be good stable influences and they will be at increased risk of abuse, particularly from step fathers. Usually where there is an abusive step parent, the biological parent is also either abusive themselves or utterly unable or unwilling to protect the child.

@oakleaffy agree but what's the cost of housing plus edpsych support at school not to mention prison costs for all those kids who just drift off the radar with nothing to do and turn to crime despite their hardworking single mums desperately trying to keep them on track.
Just thinking so many mums need support where they'd be happy to live alone and to stop them turning to new partners who might be dodgy.
I might be projecting though cos I would love this. I can't wait to live in an old folks home and do salsa classes and read/chat/watch tv all day.

Many/most single mums aren’t happy to live on their own though. They want a relationship and not just for financial reasons.

It might be the men dishing out the abuse but it's the mums who are allowing it. Women need to be more vigilant and not introducing new boyfriends they've known 5 minutes to their children.

Not rtft but abusive men often choose vulnerable women with kids as their partner to make it easier to abuse.

35x! Wow that’s shocking and extremely sad.

I've watched the video on this a lot
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2pg04jq50o
They were having a great day clowning about and dancing while wheeling a toddlers body around. Step parents are a risk, but not all bio parents love or want their kids and some would happily undo or wish away existing kids for a new relationship.

Exactly. Remember the Lost Prophets guy and the number of women prepared to hand over their children for him to abuse?

I totally agree with this. Women moving in with men because they can't afford to stay single, and men moving in with women because they are manchilds who can't look after themselves expecting to be put before the kids.