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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say there is no way I'm looking after DHs kids this weeknd?

174 replies

prettymuchsumsit · 13/12/2024 19:24

Husband shares DD (8) & DS (11) with his ex. Kids are here 2 nights one week, 3 the next. This weekend is not our weekend for them to stay.

Husband is away this weekend at a wedding, I'm not going as I was going to stay home with our toddler.

I've been feeling like rubbish all week, lethargic, head ache, generally run down. My parents have agreed to have our toddler tomorrow day and night so I can have some time to myself. I NEVER get time to myself so I am desperately looking forward to it.

Husbands ex quite often works overtime at the weekend and we tend to have the kids stay when she does. She asked him yesterday about this weekend because it's the run up to Christmas and she could do with the money.

Husband said he couldn't, I was asked. I said no.

There have since been more messages from ex asking again if there is any way we can.

Aibu to say no? I feel like utter crap and just want some time to myself. The last time I was alone in the house was probably over a year ago and we are flexible often when she asks.

I'm worried I'm going to get the whole oh but they don't really need much looking after talk but we all know that's never usually the case and frankly I just can't be arsed with it this weekend I am desperate for some time.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:24

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting well we don't know that do we ....so that's why we have this forum. For advice and opinions 😂

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 13/12/2024 21:31

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:24

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting well we don't know that do we ....so that's why we have this forum. For advice and opinions 😂

Look, you gave an opinion. You seem surprised that other people have also given their opinion on what you wrote.

No one said that you gave an order, yet you’ve responded twice now that it wasn’t an order, it was just a suggestion. We know. We are chiming in with our suggestions too.

Wonderi · 13/12/2024 21:38

If this was an emergency then I would do it but it’s not and so I definitely wouldn’t.

You need a weekend of doing the bare minimum to try and get better.

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:41

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 yes but the vibe of the responses is "oooh no no....why should her parents have to do that...not their responsibility....those children are nothing to them....blah blah".
(Edit: no one has actually said those words - it's just the vibe of this thread)
To me - in my world - it's called "doing a helpful favour".
There doesn't seem to be many actual suggestions on this thread other than "say no" or "let your husband deal with it".

sparkellie · 13/12/2024 21:45

Who is she messaging? You say there have been more texts, but not whether they are to you or your DH.
She's not unreasonable to ask, but she is unreasonable not to take no for an answer. If your DH is the one passing on the messages he is massively unreasonable to pressure you for her.
YANBU

GivingitToGod · 13/12/2024 21:46

Himawarigirl · 13/12/2024 19:32

Say your parents are looking after your toddler as you’re ill. If you’re too ill to look after one child she can’t expect you to manage her two.

This

RosieLeaf · 13/12/2024 21:47

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:41

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 yes but the vibe of the responses is "oooh no no....why should her parents have to do that...not their responsibility....those children are nothing to them....blah blah".
(Edit: no one has actually said those words - it's just the vibe of this thread)
To me - in my world - it's called "doing a helpful favour".
There doesn't seem to be many actual suggestions on this thread other than "say no" or "let your husband deal with it".

Edited

Because it’s not up to Op to come up with suggestions to her husband’s, ex’s problem.

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:52

@RosieLeaf well here's a shocking suggestion.
The husband could talk to his parents in law and ask them if they can possibly help out.
They can obviously say no. They could also say "oh gosh of course we can" 🤷

Mrsbloggz · 13/12/2024 21:53

YADNBU OP!

RosieLeaf · 13/12/2024 21:53

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:52

@RosieLeaf well here's a shocking suggestion.
The husband could talk to his parents in law and ask them if they can possibly help out.
They can obviously say no. They could also say "oh gosh of course we can" 🤷

Oh god, still with this.

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:57

@RosieLeaf it just feels so much of the issues on Mumsnet could be solved by adults just talking to other adults 🙁

ChellyT · 13/12/2024 21:58

Where are the grandparents/extended family of your partner and his ex?

I hope you say no and get all the rest you need @prettymuchsumsit Christmas is just around the corner and no one needs to be feeling poorly anytime of the year 🌺

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 13/12/2024 22:08

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:52

@RosieLeaf well here's a shocking suggestion.
The husband could talk to his parents in law and ask them if they can possibly help out.
They can obviously say no. They could also say "oh gosh of course we can" 🤷

How about the wife speak to her parents and ask.

How about the wife speak to her parents in law and ask.

How about the wife look after her children as per the schedule.

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 22:15

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 huh ? These are her step children. According to the law on Mumsnet no stepmother should ever be dealing with arranging things for her step children 😂😂

ChocolateAddictAlways · 13/12/2024 22:16

Himawarigirl · 13/12/2024 19:32

Say your parents are looking after your toddler as you’re ill. If you’re too ill to look after one child she can’t expect you to manage her two.

This seems the most sensible thing to do

cherish123 · 13/12/2024 22:19

Of course YANBU.
She asked their dad (perfectly reasonable) and her could not look after them. He should not have asked you.

Nacknick · 13/12/2024 22:25

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 21:52

@RosieLeaf well here's a shocking suggestion.
The husband could talk to his parents in law and ask them if they can possibly help out.
They can obviously say no. They could also say "oh gosh of course we can" 🤷

The OP isn’t asking anyone here to help the ex solve this conundrum. It’s not a riddle, you don’t have to try and solve it.

Rest assured, I’m sure all reasonable solutions have been considered. The OP is merely asking if she is being unreasonable in saying no and we all appear to agree she isn’t.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 13/12/2024 22:27

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 22:15

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 huh ? These are her step children. According to the law on Mumsnet no stepmother should ever be dealing with arranging things for her step children 😂😂

Okay. I’ve rephrased it.

How about the mother (not OP) speak to her own parents and ask.

How about the mother (not OP) speak to her own parents-in-law and ask.

How about the mother (not OP) look after her own children as per the schedule.

Needmorelego · 13/12/2024 22:32

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 well that makes more sense.
Don't know why you said wife - instead of ex-wife 😂
Anyway.....I originally was just trying to be helpful to the OP.
I've just realised she never even returned to the thread after her one and only post.
So I'm out.
Goodnight all 🙂

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 13/12/2024 22:51

Petrasings · Today 20:09

Of course they can stay for the weekend… no problem. Dh can cancel his plans and look after his children.

No, doesn't work as OP will lose her precious time alone.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/12/2024 23:02

YANBU at all OP.

You shouldn’t even know this has been a thing. If your husband didn’t want to cancel the wedding then it was a no from him, and that’s the end. Even if ex wife then asked if you could, he should have just said no as you’re too ill, parents having your toddler etc, and that’s the end of it. He definitely shouldn’t have even passed that request on to you!

GingersOwner26 · 13/12/2024 23:19

YANBU. She should take "No. I'm sorry, I can't. I'm ill" for an answer.

Snowfalling · 13/12/2024 23:57

it's the run up to Christmas and she could do with the money.

and you could do with the rest. This is not your problem to solve. dh shouldn't be relaying any more messages to you from his ex.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 14/12/2024 00:02

Himawarigirl · 13/12/2024 19:32

Say your parents are looking after your toddler as you’re ill. If you’re too ill to look after one child she can’t expect you to manage her two.

Please don't explain yourself to her @prettymuchsumsit otherwise she will find a way around it making it harder for you to say no just tell her simply no I am unable to this weekend nothing further.

MeridianB · 14/12/2024 08:39

I agree your DH shouldn’t have passed on the ongoing requests.

How did things pan out @prettymuchsumsit ?

Hope you’re on the mend.