If school fees were a struggle for you, do you think it was worth it?

[Hebnk]

I’m in the position where I can send dc to a private school. I’ve seen one I really like. If money was no object I wouldn’t think twice about it, as I really would like dc to go there. But… having factored in the vat and the yearly hikes and other expenditure, I can afford it and be ok but it would mean never moving to a bigger house, less holidays, certainly no fancy handbags etc for me anymore! 😅

To add I’m not concerned about dc being around very wealthy people and feeling left out as they have very wealthy grandparents so have all the resources there for the up to date gear and the holiday home etc. It’s really just me that will have to adjust my life a little and I suppose I want to know if those who have done that do feel it’s worth it? Dc is only four so this isn’t about academics, just want them to be happy at school with as many experiences as possible.

It depends obviously. Where I am no way I’d send them to state school. I did for primary but changed halfway through as behaviour was appalling in a way I didn’t realise was possible for young children. DC are so much happier and that’s translated into academic success. DC1 is now at an academically selective day school in London and was offered scholarships at others. That would have been impossible from his state school as although he’s very bright his class was barely taught the curriculum because teachers were focused on behaviour management. They didn’t retain good teachers, they didn’t tackle bullying, they didn’t support children with SEN or differentiate needs in the classroom. It was a horrible environment and there was no way I was wasting their childhoods on tutors and homework in their downtime (although we did/do lots of fun stuff that’s vaguely educational).

But… if there were a nice laidback state-school option that got good exam results nearby that didn’t involve spending huge extra amounts on our mortgage to get into catchment or require DC to do lots of tutoring on stuff that’s not terribly useful except for passing that exam then I’d do it in a heartbeat. We could do much more than buy nice handbags with the money we’d save!

We debated it, decided not to, and I’m bloody glad we didn’t. The dds have had cultural experiences, great holidays, private tuition, driving lessons, even private orthodontics all of which we would have struggled to pay for had we gone private. Oh and we also paid off our mortgage the year dd2 finished school.

Dd1 is thriving at a RG uni and dd2 would not have gone to uni no matter how much money was thrown at her. She’s finding her own way by charming the pants off everyone she meets in the world of employment.

i certainly don’t feel they would have benefitted much more from a private education. That saying, their state school was a good ‘un.

You sound pretty rich, so it’d probably be worth it for you, but if you’re really going to struggle I’d definitely think twice. I know plenty of people who’ve been paying through the nose since their children were two only for the kids to end up at low ranking universities on pretty rubbish sounding courses. I can’t see how that was a good investment for the parents.

Having put three through private from nursery to leaving sixth form, I think now that actually just putting all that money in the bank to buy them their first property each, would have been better !

@twistyizzy that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference to the point I made. Those for whom it’s a financial struggle will continue to claim it’s worth it as they don’t want to consider that perhaps they wasted their money. It’s just the things you say you place value on are less measurable than marks or Uni offers.

I know kids who were absolutely miserable in their private schools yet the parents will still insist it was worth it. Parents with more money are also more likely to move unhappy kids to a more suitable school because losing a term’s fees isn’t a big deal. My very wealthy friend sent one of her DDs to 4 different private schools.

To play devil's advocate, something I do as I like to see both sides of situation...

If a child is very bright, conscientious and supported by parents, they can achieve the same highest grades in a decent secondary school. Of course, the other opportunities with private offers are more, though not necessarily so in many cases.

Some friends say it's the best thing they did and worth it, others regret it.

Having taught a very long time in secondary, mixed economics and wealth, quite a few have gone on to Oxbridge so private isn't the be all and end all. X

A million each?! Where did they go to school?

I would also like to know which school MsCactus’s cousins went to.

Doesn’t make any sense. Even Eton boarding is £50k a year and wouldn’t add up to a £1M. Even if you sent them to Harvard afterwards it probably would not be a £1M.

A work client sends his kids to a Swiss boarding school and that is £100k a year. Maybe they boarded abroad

My first is at state primary (rated good) and first few years were ok and she did well. Now I can definitely see the gap widening, she is outperforming most kids and is not challenged enough. We are going to pay for private secondary and make sacrifices. If I had the money I would pay for private from Y3. IMO it’s hardly worth it in the first years especially if there is lots of positive parental involvement.
I am also a bit sad about having to cut back on holidays but IMO a good education is worth everything.

the people who say just pay for tutors underestimate the importance of small class sizes and range of facilities at private school. No tutor or extracurricular activities can make up for that.

Le Rosey?

https://spearswms.com/education/le-rosey-school-spears/

The implications from your post is that a private education is not worth the money and only those for whom affording it is not a struggle are more willing to admit it.

That is not how all parents who use the independent sector feel. Looking at it from a pure academics perspective is not the full story. Those who can afford it easily probably don't even think about whether it is worth it. The alternative sector would not have entered their heads. As you said, if it does not work out, they simply send their children to another independent school.

It would be similarly unfair if I said that parents who cannot afford it will not give up an opportunity to seize on how a private education is not worth it or that it made no difference.

Also just because John (private) and Matt (state) both ended up at the same uni and got the same job afterwards doesn't mean private wasn't worth the monehy for John. Maybe Matt is just naturally smarter and without the support of a private school John wouldn't have got to where he did? And doesn't mean private wouldn't have been useful for Matt either.

Definitely worth it here. It’s given my daughter a lot of self belief and helped her achieve the grades to go to a top university. The other students there were diverse and ranged from insanely wealthy to 100% bursary. Trips etc were optional so we didn’t have to spend lots on extras. Viewed it as investing in my daughter and therefore worth it more than holidays, larger house etc.

Waste of money. A decent state school is a far better, richer and more interesting option.
and no, I don’t mean ‘outstanding’ I just mean a decent one .
Private schools are full of the same people. Look the same, talk the same m, think the same and more and more coming from the same background- finance parents.
Cant think of anything duller.

Totally agree. We want happy well rounded kids and it’s a lot harder to achieve that with the choice of state schools near us.

Its not all about academics - I went to Oxford from a state comp and DH who has a PHD is also state school educated. We’ve both done well in our careers but want DC to find their own interests and way so giving them a good childhood will set them up for that. I’m also not after “connections” which people refer to sometimes and which I find it an odd concept. The families at both schools are friendly and down to earth (even the uber- wealthy). I’ve got nothing to offer anyone, am overweight, wear clothes from Vinted and don’t own a car. DC have loads of friends and are invited everywhere because they are lovely kids and so are their friends.

quite a generalisation

For us it was worth it, but it wholly depends on the school, the child, the situation, your priorities... I have not one regret about the private primary school my dc went to - it was truly lovely and worth every penny. Their secondary schools did not feel so worthwhile and they are now home educated (with private tutors, so still paying…). They are all AuDHD.

Yes 100% worth the struggle.

What a sweeping generalisation.
Around here the state secondaries have very low % of ethnic minorities (around 4%) yet the Indy has around 30%. Overseas students bring different cultures and viewpoints. Much broader than the 96% white British of local state!

A friend of mine had a similar experience.

Her son is a lovely boy, kind and loving. But he also has Autism, ADHD and is on the pathway for a PDA diagnosis.
He started his school career in a lovely, very small, private school, but they just couldn't manage him. Personally I think it was a case of keeping him to keep the money coming in, and not reporting some behaviours in fear of parents withdrawing him.

Long story short, he's now in his local state primary school and doing much better. He has more support and his parents hear a lot more "truth" from non-nonsense staff than the pandering/fawning he got from the private school.

If fewer than 30% come out with grade 5+ at GCSE maths + English at local state then I massively disagree with you that this is a better experience for the kids who go there!! Maybe you live in am area with great state schools, you are lucky. Not all of us are so fortunate.

We were always going to do state for primary but had your dilemma when DD started secondary. She was offered a place at an academically high-achieving private school and at our local highly rated comp. At the time it looked tight but do-able - no exotic holidays and fewer meals out, but OK. We opted for the comp and I’ve been so, so grateful we did - between the increase in mortgage rates and energy bills and the overall cost of living, and the VAT, we would have been living on beans or downsizing our (already quite modest!) house now. DD is thriving and predicted 8s and 9s in her GCSEs, and we’ve done some amazing things like holidays in Japan and New York.

That’s a long-winded way of saying if it looks tight now, don’t risk it if the state option is OK!

We sent our eldest, year 7 to year 11, he has just gone to state sixth form in September, his choice, we would have sucked it up for two more years. We struggled to the point I was suicidal at times. It was £1100 a month, we had £2000 a month spare at the time after all the bills, food, petrol etc so thought it was doable. I feel like I had the worst five years of my life and I will never get that time back. We had very little spare money for anything fun and I haven’t had a holiday not in a tent in five years.

However, he had a lovely secondary experience, made great friends, has an amazing work ethic and study skills and got all 8s and 9s at GCSE.. It has really shaped him as a person. He may well have got these grades and became this person at state school, we will never know.

Was it worth it? For him, yes.
Would I do it again if I could go back to 2019 and get those years back? Not a chance.

You have a choice to not be me, to not lose half a decade to fees stress. Please think very carefully.

I genuinely think private school is only doable if you have all of the fees in the bank already for however many years you want to do. Or you make £20k a month and it’s a drop in the ocean.

We're in your position OP and we've decided to opt for 2 sets of private school fees instead of a massive house.

Yes, very worth it. However, in our case the locals state schools were dreadful academically and mine would have been ironically in the minority.
I would not worry so much as it seems your parents or their grandparents could help you if you really struggled. Also, for us holidays were the sacrifices. Less of them or compromises of where to stay.