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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

146 replies

Snakeplant73 · 12/12/2024 18:41

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 12/12/2024 18:43

YANBU.

BlueMum16 · 12/12/2024 18:44

Not a chance would I do this with either my DM or my MIL. My home is my safe space away from everyone.

I agree if you can't afford the mortgage comfortably buy something else.

StarrySquawk · 12/12/2024 18:44

No way, absolutely not.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/12/2024 18:46

No chance !

If you can't afford somewhere without her ' help ' then do not buy it.

Never be beholden to someone.

what if you divorced ? how would 50/50 work then.

hopeishere · 12/12/2024 18:46

How old is she? Is she up for the idea? Who would pay for the annex to be build / fitted out / furnished? Is she currently independent?

Onlyvisiting · 12/12/2024 18:47

Yanbu

Terrribletwos · 12/12/2024 18:48

Well, if you don't want it you don't want it. You will have to have a smaller property. Do you want to compromise?

Soluckyinlove · 12/12/2024 18:50

No way!

Mrsbloggz · 12/12/2024 18:51

Very high potential for problems!!

Havalona · 12/12/2024 18:53

You move into the annexe and leave MIL and Golden Balls son to live in the main house together. You can watch them interract at your leisure from your own bifold doors.

In other words, do NOT consider this for a minute. Whatever about an annexe to the side and totally separated, but not at the end of the garden. Oh my, Nope.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/12/2024 18:54

@Snakeplant73 no way!! suggest that your mum comes instead and see what he says! you wont be able to go into the garden without her thinking she could join you!

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2024 18:56

No way! I’ve seen this happen on other forums and the wife ends up becoming the default carer as the elderly mil ages. Just no. You’d have no privacy. Will your Dh listen to you?

SemperIdem · 12/12/2024 19:00

Absolutely not. No chance.

Meadowfinch · 12/12/2024 19:03

No, absolutely not. If she lives not far away, she can stay where she is and your DH can visit her there.

What happens if she goes into care and 'her' home needs to be sold to fund care. You could find yourselves being forced to sell your house.

And yes, I'd worry about her being a constant presence and leaving you with no privacy.

There is no way I would agree to the arrangement. For me it would be a deal breaker.

Betsybee88 · 12/12/2024 19:04

I wouldn't want my own mother in my back yard.

JingleB · 12/12/2024 19:06

Hell no! It’s a recipe for disaster.

TruJay · 12/12/2024 19:06

It completely depends on relationships. For us, it is our dream to do this for my mum, we’re hoping we could make it happen in the future but it’s an absolutely not for DH’s parents. And before anyone jumps on me saying it’s ok for my mum but not his parents, it was initially DH’s idea.

LostTheMarble · 12/12/2024 19:07

Couldn’t pay me to live in that situation. Literally, even if MiL was covering the whole mortgage. Wouldn’t have had my own mother either (but she wasn’t a good person so that’s its own thing). There has to be boundaries, this is the opposite of that. Is your husband a ‘mummy’s boy’ in general? Or is he expecting you to look after her in her later years? That would also be a hard no from me.

FabulouslyFab · 12/12/2024 19:12

i’m a MIL and I just wouldn’t!

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2024 19:15

Absolutely not. It's a recipe for disaster.

Justcallmebebes · 12/12/2024 19:22

Hell no Shock

ItsBlowinAHoolieOut · 12/12/2024 19:24

I love my MIL. She's amazing.
But no way would I do this

AuContraire · 12/12/2024 19:24

You will be on edge all the time in your own house.

Absolutely not.

Buy a smaller house that you can afford yourself. You'll be utterly miserable otherwise and no house it worth that.

user6476897654 · 12/12/2024 19:25

With my MIL? No way…Could and did live happily with my own mother next door though.

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 19:26

Don’t do it. Unless you get on with her exceptionally well and would welcome the company.