To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

[Snakeplant73]

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

No, don't do it.

You won't be able to relax in your own home.

Does your MIL even want this, or is this just your DH's idea?

I'd much rather live in the smaller property and have my privacy.

I wouldn't want to.

I would also be having a conversation with your DH about the long term implications of her living on your property, especially as she ages. If this is a situation that he wants, then it's down to him to make it work in the long term as well as the short term. That doesn't mean you wont be a nice human being towards her, but you are not going to be the one constantly running her errands or taking on more work if she comes for dinner every day and you are most definitely not ending up as a carer by default.

You can’t be forced to sell your home to pay for the care of a relative that lives you but the council can come after a share of the profit if you sell and they deemed the situation to have been depravation of assets. They can’t and won’t make people homeless.

If you haven't got planning permission, she can't live in your garden. If someone reports it (and it could be her), then she'd have to live with you. It's a no.

not a hells chance. I wouldn't even do it with my own mother too. seen it happen to to many of my friends. never ever

What does MIL say about this? Sell her home and move to a smaller place that doesn't feel like hers in order to contribute towards somebody else's mortgage? Does DH have siblings? What do they think about it? Surely, this is a bad idea all round.

Definitely not.
What happens as she gets older and can't manage the walk down the garden?
I'll tell you.
She'll have to move into the house.
Who's going to look after her?
I'll tell you.
It's you.
Nope, nope, nope

My friend did this. DH had an affair and DF couldn't afford to stay in the house. Now her DM lives in an annexe with exDH and OW in the main house. I can't imagine he's delighted to have her there.

As you realise there would be so so many issues, big and small, with this. Even if everyone was fully on board it would be difficult, but you are not. Which is understandable, most people wouldn't be. Who even knows if mil knows about the plan or if she would approve? Buy a house to suit your family and that you can comfortably afford. Good luck!

Very sensible and putting yourself and your life first 👍

Sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings. He's not married to his mother.

MIL lives with us, but that happened after she came to stay during lockdown and it worked very well.

She has her own space - a good size bedroom, a bedroom she uses as a lounge (she has a little fridge and a microwave for if she can’t be bothered with seeing any of the rest of us) and a bathroom.

If you have any doubts then don’t do it. It only works if absolutely everyone is 100% on board.

That would be a nope from me for either of our mothers.

my mum would keep to herself, but I still wouldn’t want her there.
MIL would come and judge my house keeping and make snide comments and interfere

And when she needs care, will it be DH expecting to do it?

Thought not.....

What does MIL think? She might hate the idea.
Thinking long term too it might be the easier/cheaper option than her needing to move to sheltered accommodation

yes, and I am the mother in law!

my life is quite drama free, I am too old for drama! However, I get dragged into the drama caused by my son and DIL. It’s a nightmare. If they lived independently of me, I wouldn’t know half the nonsense that goes on.

Imagine doing the dishes at night and seeing her face in the window.

No way nope nope nope. I value my privacy too much even if she’s not interested I would feel weird that she was at the bottom of my garden !!

Also does she actually want to live in a one bed at the bottom of your garden and presumably be paying heftily for the “privilege”? Doesn’t sound like a good deal for the MIL either tbh. Sound alike your DH is thinking only about money nothing else.

Whatever your relationships with her now, they'll be a lot worse when she's on your property. Both of you.

Unless she needs help/caring for. In which case maybe buy a house with an attached annex.

Don't do it! I have a relative who DID do this. 10+ years down the line the MIL has dementia and needs around the clock care and support. Even in the short term, you have no privacy etc. But long term it will become your responsibility to care for her.

Op’s husband wants her there to pay the mortgage, and OP is horrified with the idea.

Let the woman stay in her own place.

Absolutely not - not my MIL, not my Mum, not my Step Mum - zero chance

It really depends on your relationship. We're buying a house that will fit both us, 2 adult children, I spouse and 1 grandchild. We've made sure that we all have our own private space, apart from me, I get the main living room to myself during the day, although I expect during the school holidays I'll have DD and DGS visiting regularly not that I mind.

If you set out ground rules then it could work.

Definitely too close for comfort.

Not a chance in hell would I go with that option. YANBU. It's a recipe for big family issues.