To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

[Snakeplant73]

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

Why would his mum even want to do that?

Also if dh has any siblings it is a bit unfair on them unless it is considered early inheritance.

I would do it if my mum or mil needed extra support and it was more convenient for us that supporting them in their in there own home. Definitely not for cash. Would rather have a smaller house.

Also I imagine she’s living as your guest and maybe contributing to utilities and council tax, not co-owning your house? That is where the huge complications come in.

They need a good solicitor!
But if the mother used all her money to buy the house and made in provision for future care then I can see why the council would see that as depravation of assets - although if it really was such a sudden deterioration that couldn’t reasonably be anticipated (not age related for example) and she was in good health when the transaction was carried out then the good solicitor should be able to do something with that.
It is also very council dependent, I suspect very stretched local authorities will be super hot on this sort of thing

Do you realise your husband’s mother IS family? Do you need privacy from your own kids too? Parent and child relationship doesn’t change because you are in his life now. She isn’t living in your property - you have plenty of privacy.
What’s the big deal if she is in your living room with HER son and HER grandkids? Do you have some kind of monopoly over these people!!??

You are being very unreasonable UNLESS there is a back story of MIL being nasty or having boundary issues.

I think if you're going to have a relative living in a granny annexe then both of you have to be on board with it and have a good relationship with that person. I think it only works too if the relative will respect clear boundaries and not just wander in and out of your home all the time, at will (unless this is what you are all happy with). Your DH clearly wants his DM living with you all, which is a worry if you really don't. If she already lives nearby that sounds enough, to me. You have to make it clear that you're a hard 'No' on this and will not discuss it any more. And he needs to accept that.

unless you are inseparably happy with her it would be a big no. you are right no privacy and what if she became incapable of living alone? she would be up the garden living with you.
on the other side if she passed away early or went into a nursing home what would you do about her place? cannot exactly have a stranger living in the garden and does not sound like it would be practical for letting out with access etc.
best keep her where she is and look at affordable houses with no ones help

I think if that's the way you feel then you need to stand firm. Aging parents are not an untapped source of income that enables you to more easily afford your home, as a one way street. If your MiL is going to live in an outbuilding in your garden to help pay your mortgage, it stands to reason she may (albeit naively) imagine there may be some benefit for her in terms of more contact with her family and extra support from her son. Otherwise she'd be better off in a senior community with the company and access to professional help that often brings. Obviously that means you won't benefit from her contribution, but you can't have it both ways and you seem decided that its not worth it. You just need to convince your H.

Unfortunately this is exactly what did happen - all the mother's money went into the house, with no provision for care. And although her health got worse more quickly than expected, it couldn't reasonably be claimed it was unforeseeable. The mother's contribution was a few hundred thousand pounds so it's a substantial sum.

On a personal level it is obviously really unsettling for my friend, but objectively I think the council are right and that my friend was a bit naive not to have seen this possibility (well actually, they did forsee it, but thought that they would get away with it).

Also of course you cannot simply decided to turn outbuildings into accommodation and move people into them, just because you've got a big garden. There are strict planning regulations around this and the idea might fall at this first hurdle.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Multi-generational living has its downsides as well as its ups and the greatest of these are encountered and suffered by those who enter into the arrangement with pecuniary issues uppermost and/or unrealistic expectations of everybody living like The Waltons. Both sides may find themselves severely let down by legal/financial complications and complex emotional and personal dynamics, if their vision of their relationship doesn't mesh. Because of the latter I couldn't have lived for long under the same roof on the same property as my late MiL, whereas for my DM (still with us, happily) the arrangement might have been skewed by more practical problems, eg, if she needs more care provision in the future.

Are you quite alright? How can you seriously compare having your own kids in your house compared to someone else’s mother? Kids are put to bed, you can’t tell MiL ‘right me and husband are having evening time now, off to sleep with you’. It completely changes the dynamics of family life, of privacy that older parents have to give their grown children to live their own lives. So to that degree, yes the op absolutely has ‘monopoly’, not over people but certainly over her day to day family life.

YANBU. I have a good relationship with my MIL; she's lovely. But I wouldn't want this living arrangement. I wouldn't even want that living arrangement with my own mum, who I adore.

@thesunisastar sounds like they gambled and lost unfortunately!
My advice to anyone would be to make sure the financial side is well thought through and provisioned - no one knows exactly how much care they will need and when but if they have a decent amount ringfenced for care (my parents have kept the proceeds of their house sale, for example) then it is much less likely that depravation of assets will come into play if/when the money runs out

YANBU

Absolute minefield:

Things change. What if you needed to sell / relocate / downsize / divorce?
What if your DH tragically died? I have a friend who has his MIL in his converted loft 10 years after his wife’s death. Both are trapped financially. Awkward for new relationships.
Does DH have siblings who will have q’s about MIL’s assets being merged with his?
Which wouldn’t be surprising given that your DH is basically using his mother’s assets to upgrade his house
What if she needed care? Her share of property couldn’t be sold, she’d have to fall back on whatever home the council would cover.
How old is MIL? What if she wanted to remarry / live with a new partner?

But I would say no on the basis of the day to day practicalities and inevitable future obligations.

And because it seems unethical and greedy of your DH, due to his motives

Not a chance. And as she ages she's likely to need help with personal things that I'll bet your husband wouldn't be volunteering for. Don't do it!

There are ways of doing it and managing it so you still have privacy should you want to do it

But you don't. So that's the end of that.

If your MIL is close or over 75 she can't go on the mortgage anyway.

What happens when she dies and you still have a mortgage you can't manage?

What happens when she needs care?

We brought a house with my mother and it's very very hard.

How old is she? I would consider it, if she was upper 70s/early 80s. My grandma died alone in her home - she was walking with her tea to an airmchair and had a stroke. My dad and uncle had to knock down the door with an axe and found her dead on the floor. I would never ever let any of my elder relatives die alone like this.

Unless you never plan to leave your elderly parent at home alone EVER, even to go to the shops, then them dying alone is sadly a possibility even when they live with you, surely?

My dh has recently suggested similar. He keeps finding houses with ready made annexes and suggesting his mum could live in the annex. His mum is lovely, and I get on well with her, but I know me and I know that I need my own space and I would honestly hate having an extended family member living in close proximity to me. Plus she has the habit of unintentionally stomping all over my boundaries which would cause issues.

The other option my dh has suggested is that him and his brother buy a huge plot of land together and build two houses on it. I honestly can't think of anything worse. His brother is dire and I barely speak to him these days. I certainly don't want to live in close proximity to him and potentially have to see him at some point everyday.

Anyway, OP, if you know already that you'd hate it then I would nip this in the bud now.

I'm assuming she has a property and the sale of that is going towards this?

This is what some men do to impose caring duties on their partner or wife.

When my friends first husband wouldn't let it go my friend suggested they separate as he wasn't listening to her.

This occurred as they too were looking to move from her terraced house and start a family.

She was so upset with him and felt she was being lined up because his sister worked full-time in a "big" career and she was just a nurse.🙄

She wouldn't commit to buying any house with him and took her house off the market as it was very close to her work.

She asked for space as this had never been mentioned before they married 2 years earlier.

Just because she was a nurse at work did not mean that she would obviously be ok living with his mother.

She calls this marriage her starter marriage as it didn't survive this.

He tried hard to fix things but she felt manipulated by him and trust was broken.

Assuming your wife will be your parents carer and provide intimate caring is beyond presumptuous and a complete marriage deal breaker IMO.

I think you are overlooking a decimal point.

Ha! Yes! Should wear my glasses!

I would just say to him, "Sorry but we are a grown adult couple and I don't want either your mother or my parents living in such close proximity to us. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me and the answer is no. I don't want us to argue about this as there is no way I will change my mind. We buy something we can comfortably afford ourselves and if that means less land then so be it"