To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

[Snakeplant73]

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

I'd be careful on suggesting that one, I'd much rather have my MIL than my mother by a factor of a million.

Has mil even been asked?
This idea might be your mils idea of hell, you being able to pop into her space whenever you feel like it. Expecting childcare, commenting of her soft furnishings, not to mention having to move out of her current home. I really would be surprised if she agreed to ths.

I could live with DM close by, but not MIL. If you don't want to do this, you shouldn't be expected to do so or cajoled. It's best to be honest about what you want.

Is MIL expecting it to happen?

Does she own her own home currently? She might not want to sell up and move. Who is supposed the fund the conversion of the out buildings into a habitable home? What if MIL had to go into care and she essentially owns part of your property? Also, does DH have siblings? Would your MIL be likely to leave something to them when she dies?

If she's currently renting a nice home nearby, why would she want to move to someone's garden with no real front door of her own?

I would genuinely rather live in a tiny one bed flat than a large detached house with someone living on my land.

Absolutely not.

Has DH asked his mum if she wants to live in a shed in your garden?
My BIL suggested something similar to my MIL a few years ago, and got very short shrift.

Sorry to say this as I feel I'm an outlier here. I had MIL come and live with us and I looked after her for 18 months before she needed more care than I could give and she went into a nursing home. We became really close, it was a privilege, she was a wonderful lady. MIL has passed now I often think back to that time we spent together.

..until the govt changes the rules !!

I'm torn.
Me and my dad have a very close relationship, and hes also my carer for MH issues so i've never not lived with him.
If i move in with my partner i'd love to have my dad live with us, or at least in a set up like you describe.
My MIL, i think i could handle in the annex type set up, but possibly not. I don't want to live with her though.

What's yanbu?

YANBU

That’s horrible!
I don’t know why your even asking the question @Snakeplant73 it’s a recipe for disaster, it’s just not going to work, to be able to do this you need to be fully onboard, or it’s not fair to your MIL, she would be paying so you could afford to live in a bigger house, giving up her own home, so you would be benefiting from it, can understand your reservations, if you feel this way though it’s never going to work.

I think it definitely depends on your relationship with MIL. My best friends grandma had a very similar set up living in fully built seperate house / annex in their garden. They definitely don’t have acres of land but it had a bathroom and bedroom fully heated etc and it worked quite well - she was relatively young and very independent - didn’t do dinner with them nightly but did see regularly. I don’t know of any issues and I always forgot she lived there as she was rarely there.

I think every situation is different - Of course there can be difficulties but that could be the same with adult children moving back home or your own mother moving in. You’d have to work through them and as some other PP have suggested lay some ground rules etc.

For those suggesting you would end up becoming full time carers if she needed it in the future - that shouldn’t be the case at all. If anything her living close by might help you recognise when she is starting to need help and therefore get the ball rolling early with social services. If you / DH are likely to want to visit her regularly as she becomes more frail then it will probably be handy to have her closeby especially if you both work

I do agree with you that you should be careful if main motivation for this is financial gain as obviously that can’t be guaranteed and you might end up resenting her if for some reason or another she can’t contribute and you’re struggling to make ends meet with her in your back yard 🤣
If you can’t be persuaded perhaps can consider her moving closeby if DH would feel more comfortable with this rather than in back garden

good luck

That sounds like hell

On a practical note (which may appeal more to DH than the "uurgh, not your mother!" argument) if she is truly paying rent it should be classed as income subject to tax and should be declared on a tax return. If she was giving you a financial gift it would need to be less than the gifting limits (£3k/year, which is £250 a month) or could end up subject to inheritance tax at 40% within 7 years. If your MIL gives you a lump sum to buy with less initial mortgage (eg selling her property, or she has cash in the bank), that amount may be subject to inheritance tax on her passing (as she had benefit of the amount, it's not considered "gifted" so isn't subject to the 7 year rule).

If the building she is moving into is standalone ie own kitchen and bathing facilities, it should also be paying it's own council tax separate to the main property.

If you're dependent on the financial contributions, what happens if MIL requires going into a care home? You won't be able to just keep siphoning off a rent payment if she's not there, and care home fees might destroy any savings if DH thinks he'd get a lump sum to compensate for that.

I'm not a tax expert but have recently spoken to a tax planner who discussed difficulties of combining households in a situation like this, so please investigate the above a bit more rather than taking my word for it. The addition of money into this setup does make it a lot more complicated!

No way on this earth and I'm sure he wouldn't want your mum doing that.

Aside from you don't want this so it is a no anyway are there other siblings too. If MIL invests in your property would it need to be sold when she dies to fulfil inheritance to others etc.

Would you even get planning permission?

A good friend of mine and their partner pooled resources and bought a large house together with her mother. The house was only in my friend's and partner's name but her monther had sold her house and put all the proceeds towards the new house.

Sadly her mother's health deteriorated rapidly not long after they all moved in together and after a year of caring for her at home she now needs full time residential care.

Initially they thought all was going to be OK regarding the house but the council have now confirmed that they will be persuing deprivation of assets and my friend and partner are having to sell the house to release her mum's share.

So you can absolutely be forced to sell in these circumstances.

Don't do it. Longer term it could be a good plan if she becomes more higher needs, she could then sell and the money will be able to pay for carers etc to come in and help.

Your DH will then be able to help out without being away all the time.

Care homes are horrendously expensive.

But right now, hard no.

How does mil feel about the prospect of being relegated to a posh shed at the bottom of the garden?

Slightly aside… houses such as you describe, in large plots of land, tend to be of individual design and older. Outbuildings to the side or away from the house and not with house windows of main rooms directly facing. I have several friends who have family living ‘on their land’ in converted outbuildings and in no case are they peering through windows, watching lights go on or interfering in each other’s lives.

Slso, with 25-75 acres, there is room for a private access , and she could have her own post box.

Noooo - don’t do it!! If you are really worried about finances just buy a smaller house - honestly there is no point buying any house if you don’t have privacy or feel comfortable in it. Your home is your safe space to get away from the rest of the world - you deserve to have that peace away from MIL (and any other relatives!).

My MIL probably yes if she wanted to. But she's independent and has her own life. And it's a familiar area for her.

A friend did this with her very needy MIL and it's an absolute nightmare as she doesn't want an independent life.