To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

[Snakeplant73]

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

Exactly.Also it’s not really fair to put that on, guilt, on grown up children.

DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

Have either of you even ASKED this woman what she wants yet? Or is it just assumed she'll fall in line with your grasping husband's desires to have his mother part fund his property aspirations? 🙄

I'd have been very happy for my late mum to live in a granny flat at the bottom of my garden - but it wouldn't have been so I could afford a larger house!

Its great to hear these positive experiences. They can happen!

Thank you all for your messages. I've barely had a moment to myself since I posted this. I will read them all and reply with more tomorrow.

DH and I have been at arguing about the situation plenty.

Im wishing you peace on this. There maybe silver linings for you if you think about it sensibly and sensitively. I truly believe the loss of loving extended family is blighting our lives and culture. Your MIL is not your enemy. Look forward with kindness and a pro list. As others have said she may say no. Don't lose the opportunity to have help when you need it and discretion when you don't. Have a great weekend.

Your not an out layer. Your an angel...

How will you pay the mortgage if she pops her clogs?

Perhaps more to the point would someone this age be able to get a mortgage even joint? More likely MIL would have to provide extra capital as a gift. Then have a problem if she needed the money for anything else or the arrangement broke down. Living in an annexe and contributing to bills might work but buying together is very risky for all concerned.

Your lack of enthusiasm says everything about what a bad idea this is for you. And that’s it

It very much depends on how old she is. I know of at least one person who has grandma in the Annex and she’s so old depressed and generally unwell. The woman doesn’t leave her chair.

I mean what's his issue here? Stars their relationship like normally?

For one l would say if he thinks you won't be financially comfortable don't do it.

Second- she isn't going to be sitting by herself in this annex is she,? She's going to be in your house.

Third - this still change the council tax and may make it harder to sell. It might be attractive to a small market but most people won't want the additional cost.

Four - are there other siblings? Could cause inheritance issues.

Five- had he spoken to her about this? Why did he think she might like it?

I can understand why you don't want to do this. As a couple with a young family you need more space and this is why you're thinking of buying a new house. Your husband has seen a way of getting more money to do this. He thinks his mother would be happy with doing this.
He expects you to feel happy about this. In reality it his mother in an annex or at the bottom of your garden and possibly in your house a lot.

It not just now and what suits your husband in regards to buying a new home but you and your kids future that you have to consider. You don't want to have to deal with your mil on a daily basis. Imagine her in your house and expecting a dinner each day.
Then if she develops cognitive decline and she thinks she can say what she likes both you and your kids could have to listen to nasty comments.
I have seen elderly parents become extremely selfish and or mean with time and money. Yet the same parents except adult children to provide care and be there taxi service.
It's the expectation that of course you do what suits them and their needs but in reality it's you and your kids that you have to consider.

If his mother uses her money to move in with you and needs care in the future it could become very messy for you and your husband. Then if he has siblings they may expect in time to get an inheritance once the family home is sold. If she moves in with you is could make life more difficult with his siblings and they may not be willing to help out if she needs care or to be driven places.

You don't want to her to move with you and leave you and your family in a worse financial position long term by doing this either.

I would stay put and save hard to move into a bigger family home and not be depending on your mil moving in with you to finance this move.

I've still not had a chance to read all of the replies. But to answer a few more questions:

• DH is an only child and very entitled. Much of the time he acts as the one in charge. MIL thinks the sun shines out of his ass.
• MIL currently rents.
• She has a few hundred thousand in the bank so would 'gift' us some to each month.
• She would not be on the mortgage, however the annex would likely require her to pay council tax on it.
• DH has discussed it with her already knowing that I am not in favour of the idea.
• I don't believe she's really in favour of the idea either, but DH has a way of berating people and basically forcing his thoughts and opinions onto people, so she eventually gave in. I don't not believe she'd be happy there either. She still wants her own place and to be able to have family over and entertain. An annex would significantly reduce her space.
• DH believes he knows everything and that nothing could come back to bite him in the was with this living situation. I mentioned I did a bit of research online and said that owning a property with a second fully independent living annex could be problematic if we tried to sell our house in the future. I read it can be hard to get a mortgage for places like this. Hes adamant it wouldn't be an issue and would turn it into a summer house if it is and then sell.
• DH is saying if she required care or medical bills in the future that she couldn't afford we would cover them.
• If MIL passed away we would still be able to pay the mortgage, however he's wanting this arrangement because it will make things more 'comfortable' financially

I'm hugely not in favour of this idea. MIL is lovely but is stubborn and irritates me when she's around too much. DH and I aren't in the greatest position relationship wise at the moment, and this whole process has me increasingly put off my him. I don't know what it would mean for everyone if we eventually separated as make considerably less that him and could barely afford a flat of my own on my salary.

Slight update.

We have been out for the day with MIL. She's desperately needy while at the same time thinking she's completely independent. DH was getting very frustrated with her, so may be coming around to the idea that her living in an annex may not be the best idea.

Why are you with this man? He sounds horrible.

He sounds like an awful twat.
Dim to boot.
Are you really that happy with him?
From your update and the state of your relationship, I wouldn't be tieing myself up with such a man.
Your relationship will not sustain his mother.
He sounds not bright.
Stupidity/arrogance is most unattractive.

Your DH sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to live with either of them!

At this point I would just say no.

Whatever his ‘good’ reasons for havjng her live on your property, whatever difficulties you have researched, your answer is quite simply no because you don’t want to, and won’t do it.

You are right: the arrangement would destroy your marriage.

And worse you could feel trapped because selling the house would make MIL homeless.

I would tell MIL you think it is a bad idea and you don’t want her to give up her home to live in your garden just so that DH can get her money for your mortgage.

His behaviour over this is horrible.

You don’t actually have to find reasons for him to bat back at you, like the complications legally or with the mortgage, you can simply say “no”.

I do however find it more tragic that it sounds more like you’re basically stuck with him because you couldn’t afford to leave him. I’d focus on getting my own ducks in a row than shacking up with pushy husband and MIL in a house you possibly couldn’t afford if she died/ rates increased. You’d be up a creek without a paddle with one or more people you don’t want to be stuck with!

Thanks all. He's got a severe sense of entitlement and it's always driven me mad. He constantly involves his mother in our business and knows how to manipulate her and others including myself and the children to his advantage.

One of the reasons he wants a larger home that we can comfortably afford is because he wants several additional rooms that will be completely for his use only because it's something he's always dreamed of ever since he was a child. (He's still a man baby!) I mentioned to him that he would need to compromise on the size of the additional rooms or the rooms all together because it's unfair to the rest of the family that he compromise on the rest of the house (location, garden size, etc), purely because he's trying to find something that meets his own needs above everyone else's. He blew up at me in front of the children and put me in my place saying he's dreamed about those particular rooms in his house ever since he was a little boy and he's worked so hard in life to achieve them, and how dare I put a stop to his dreams. He said he deserves it because he's worked so hard to make the money and what I'm able to contribute form my monthly salary won't even cover half the mortgage (he makes at least 3x the amount I make!). He always says I've not achieved anything and I could achieve so much more if I wanted to and then if I do I can have more of a say in things. Just as if it's as easy as snapping my fingers and walking into a new job that pays triple what I earn now or that in could just start my own business and have it become an overnight success.

I also believe my MIL could potentially be in the early stages of dementia. Whoever brought up the point about DH unexpectedly passing and me then having to deal with my MIL living on our property and being my responsibility until she passes had an incredibly good point. There's absolutely no way I can let his plans of an annexe go ahead!

Does he really think his wishes in relation to new home top trump yours because he earns more?? Bloody hell what an arrogant toad.

He sounds like an absolutely insufferable, arrogant bastard! I'd be considering if I wanted to stay with him, not whether I should agree to an annexe!

I do ask myself this regularly. But
He constantly reminds me how crap my salary is and how he does everything he can onto provide for our family ensuring that we're looked after. Obviously I appreciate it. But I don't appreciate the constant reminders that make me feel like a burden. He always says I'd not even get a mortgage for a 1 bed flat on my salary where we live (flat & house prices are extortionate), so I really have no idea how I'd cope without him.

Neighbour has spent a year turning a garage into a granny annexe it looks rubbish and has probably cost them six figures, it's not really that practical

@Snakeplant73 seek legal advice in what help you’d get if you divorced. What you’d be able to leave the relationship with (best and worst case scenario).

and also - how much bloody happier you’d be not putting up with this spoilt tantrumming manchild.

how old are your children?