To not want MIL living on (not in) our property?

[Snakeplant73]

DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.

Some of the houses we've been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre). A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annex at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annex so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.

I'm not at all in favour of this idea. I've said if we can't afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn't be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).

I'm worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won't have much privacy. The homes we're looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we're in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we're home or not), etc. DH insists she'd want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home. She'd be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.

AIBU that I don't want MIL living on our property?

Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?

Do tell me: does this Prince of a man do 50% of all childcare including half the school runs and covering sick days? Did he take paternity leave to the equivalent of your maternity leave? Had he supported you to progress in your career to the extent that you have his?

Or is he relying on you to do the lions share of bringing up his children AND earn pots of money?

Anyway, what a good thing he has such a good salary: CSA payments are determined on a % of income.

Plenty of divorced single mums manage on income, child benefit, UC and child maintenance.

Research what you would be entitled to. Knowledge is power.

I’m not saying ‘leave him’ necessarily, but if you knew you would be ok without him you might feel less susceptible to his bullying.

With a DH like yours, the last thing you want to do is complicate matters by having MIL living on your premises, both from financial and relationship point of view

The more you post about him the worse he sounds.
Please seek legal advice on what you'd be entitled to if you split. Definitely don't take his word for what you would be able to afford!!

That is what abusers say to grind you down.
He's a loser.
Get legal advice and rethink this situation.
He sounds toxic.

You would have your salary and child maintenance from him and possibly some state benefits, depends how much you earn, and equity from your current house.

@5foot5 split and run.

If MIL moves into a granny annexes on your property then the following have to be considered:
*Planning permission for another dwelling
*Council tax
*Tax implications if she pays rent.
*MIL needing increasing care
*MIL going into a care home. Any charge on your property
*What happens if your DH dies. Seemingly healthy people can die suddenly or get a life limiting illness.
*Divorce. If you split, you would either continue to live in your current home with MIL at the bottom of the garden and the potential issues that could cause, or the martial home would have to be sold so that you both have a property. What would happen to MIL then?

Those are the practicalities never mind the lack of privacy in your own home and the likelihood that boundaries will be increasingly stretched. Your DH is putting his own wants above yours and seems to be completely ignoring the many immediate and future problems. Seems to boil down to that it is you or her.
think I would be having a chat with a solicitor so that I would be fully au fait with my position if I were to go for a divorce. Knowledge is power.

But you would receive half the marital assets, including half of the value of the house and half the value of his pension. He would need to pay child maintenance. He is just trying to scare you into thinking that you could never manage without him, but you definitely could.

Yes, those are all points I have raised to DH, but he just brushes me off saying that he's got a builder friend who sees similar annex situations like this all of the time. His friend says they will get planning permission for an inhabitable garden room / office (so without a designated bedroom or kitchen) or a pool house. Then once construction is complete it will be converted into a liveable annex. I'm really not comfortable with that (or any of the points you've raised, as have I). But he'll 'always know more than me'

@thepariscrimefiles my problem is I'm not good with finances. I've got ADHD which has caused me to be quite impulsive with my money over the years. My own fault yes. But I'm trying to get better and sort myself out.

As a result we've never had combined finances or joint accounts. The only bank account I see and have access to are my own. I don't have any significant savings either. I do have a work pension that I've been contributing to for 16 years. But that's pretty much it. He runs his own business and I don't have sight of those finances, however I am listed on the paperwork as a director and draw a small salary from each month which is transferred back to him to help pay for household bills.

I don't believe he's got a pension other than the standard government issued one. I believe he may have some small investments, but I'm not sure. I know he's got about £20k in crypto accounts as well. But again, I have no sight of those (I only saw the balance over his shoulder while he was checking them recently).

I have no idea how I would go about trying to calculate how much he's got in his accounts and what our assets are actually worth.

Unfortunately I don't have any spare money to put towards solicitor fees even if I did want to speak to someone about the prospect of splitting up.

I know legal fees can be extortionate, but can anyone tell me what I'd expect to pay for speaking to someone about the potential of divorce and splitting assets?

@MNHQ why was my reply hidden? It was quite long and I really don't fancy typing it all out again

I think certain words automatically get a post hidden, you mentioned a currency, could that be it?
I know certain drugs if mentioned get hidden while they look🙄.
Very selective when you think the poisonous posts that pass muster here regularly.

Nope. Much too.close. Do not do this unless you want her to become part of your family all the time.....

He would have to have declared income and sources for a mortgage application. Do you know how much he pays each month on the current mortgage? That will give you an idea of what he can afford.
See if he has any paperwork stashed around in files and take photos if appropriate : mortgage, income tax, investments.
Right Move and similar sites will give you an idea of the price of similar properties in your road.
I think you would be eligible for half hour free legal advice. Gather as much info as you can beforehand.
You would be eligible for child maintenance for your two children as well as a proportion from the sale of the family home. You may also be able to get a proportion of his pension ( he may not have told you be has one). You will have your work income and child benefit...I presume the cb is paid to you direct. What may be difficult is assessing income as he is self-employed.

Even if you do have to pay a solicitor for advice, it really is money well spent. A solicitor may not be able to tell you exactly what you would get on divorce ( given the lack of info) but will be able to let you know the range of things you may be entitled to.

And then you become her carer as she gets older!

Christ no. I’ve got a massive garden and wouldn’t want anyone, let alone MIL, living in it!

The more I read about your husband, the more I think you should divorce. As others have already said, you would be entitled to share of any equity in your current home, as well as share of any pension he does have, as well as savings. Try for a free initial consultation with a lawyer - if you can give an idea of whereabout you live, someone here might be able to recommend a SHL (shit hot lawyer!).

I must admit to being quite amused by your husband's belief that he would simply meet any medical or care costs that his DM might need in the future - having basically given him all her money to indulge his childish selfishness. My DF has dementia and has been in a nursing home for 2 years now at a cost of over £60,000 per year. And, the nursing home required evidence that he had funds in the bank to pay for 3 years-worth of fees. Oh, and the fees go up every year.

Jesus Christ I actually despair of women who choose to continue living like the shit you have described here. Run far away from this man child asap!! You and your children deserve far better than this.
Do not allow MIL to live on your property.
Make plans to leave this man as soon as you are able to.
Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a third class citizen by a man that is supposed to be your equal partner.
Also** you say you are a director of his company and he pays you a small wage that you have to pay him back.. does this have tax implications on your current job i.e. are you paying more tax for a second income when you dont actually see any of it?? Id stop that right now too!
I hope you dont have a DD who sees the way you are being treated and thinks this is normal.

Our plan is to move my mum in with us in the future when she needs a certain level of support, she suffers with some chronic health conditions but is also fiercely independent so she would only want to do that if she really started to struggle.
She would be able to fund carers etc herself but we would be on hand to over see incase of any problems.
However I wouldn’t over stretch myself to get a house, and i wouldn’t move someone into an annex unless they needed to be close by.

I’d suggest turning the garden building into an Airbnb and then you can choose whether or not you have people there and the income would help with the mortgage

What does mil think? It does not sound ideal for her either. She is contributing to your mortgage while living down the end of your garden where you can see into her home from your big windows and monitor her comings and going without possibility of sneaking up her own drive. I think you two ladies need to chat!