The Christmas Carol concert strop

[Jessieshome]

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

Why should they ‘support’ the school doing something they hate? Who benefits? It is certainly not for the children that are being forced. Honestly a choir should be made up of every child that loves to sing. Children should be given other roles that are not performative. This is so archaic forcing kids to perform!

I have similar today except my 11 year old is missing his last primary school concert to watch a football match. In fairness he has season tickets and they are a small team hanging on in the Europa Conference League. I'm a bit sad but there's no way he or his dad would miss the match.

It doesn't sound like he even opted into the carol concert. It's just sort of expected he will be there

Saying "no, I have a different commitment" is also important when expected to be at something you don't want to be at and which came in later

And if everyone thinks like that?

No wonder our country is littered with people pleasers unable to fathom how to use boundaries or say no.

Honestly 5 years ago I would have felt the same (do your duty turn up etc) but honestly why make him attend a pointless event that is supposed to be enjoyable? Who are
you pleasing by making him go? Am 50
now and looking back there is so much stuff I wish I hadn’t bothered with. Lots of people love going to Carol concerts let them have the seats.

Then the school learn a valuable lesson 🙃

No wonder our country is littered with flaky people unable to make or honour a commitment.
I can imagine the whining ‘ our school did nothing for Christmas.. my last chance to see DChild perform with their friends…’
im with you, OP, he should go. It sounds as though you could arrange some extra horse sessions over the holiday if he stops complaining.

Children turned up to be in the choir when he had a speaking part. He needs to do his jit and show up for the choir now others have speaking parts.

I think you're being very unreasonable, no matter your reasons! He just doesn't want to go. Respect his decision with good grace and perhaps talk about it later with him.
I think it's totally wrong to force a child to do this. And for something so innocous...

It’s not flakey to just say no!

Our school has a voluntary choir, and guess what they have wonderful carol concerts because everyone wants to be there. Shock, horror - there is a thing called choice. Parents go along and enjoy it, others choose to do other things. Quite normal in diverse schools.

It’s very old fashioned to force children to perform, things have moved on. Admittedly not at all schools it seems…

And then people would complain that it's during daytime working hours and they can't go, or will have to take time off work to go. Schools can't do right for doing wrong with things like this.

Lots of people enjoy being in choirs. Most do not. It’s not something that should be three line whipped. This is supposed to be fun!!! These kids have to go to school day in day out and do their work fair enough why add this obligation on? It’s a show to placate the middle aged parents and promote the school it’s not even about the kids.

I think your son should do the concert. It's a good life lesson. He can't always have "a speaking part" in this world and he should learn he can't let the rest of the team down. It's tough - life's tough!

There's this amazing new invention called 'electric lights' for indoor schools.

Yanbu. He has made a commitment. If he didn't want to do it, he should have mentioned that he didnt want to do it this year weeks ago if it is an expected thing, so you could have made arrangements with the school that he wouldn't be coming.

But they must have been rehearsing for a while now. Imagine if everyone suddenly decided they had better things to do tonight , that would be pretty crap for the staff who have given their time and effort to rehearse and arrange a special night for the kids and families.

But surely actually his commitment is to the activity which came first and he will equally be letting them down

so in this instance surely it isn’t on the OP to decide which is more important given that both are commitments but the person who does them

Electric lights you say? Whatever next?

The OP said it was cancelled the last couple of weeks due to bad weather and that it was stables on the old family farm.

I've looked back through and really can't see any mention of an indoor school at all.

Is there a reason he doesnt want to do it? Have you asked him?

So children who don’t want to perform should do so because it makes other adults happy? Got it.

I'm sure all those saying he is expected so he should go would feel exactly the same if work expected them to go in on their off day for something which held no bearing on their ability to do their work....

Plenty of kids do want to perform and sing. There would be enough for the concert even if a few really anti it didn't go

YANBU. He has to honour his commitment and support his classmates. It's a good lesson that we can't always have/do everything we want. Children whose parents always give in on these issues will (potentially) grow into spoilt, unreliable adults.

Apart from anything else, the teenage years are just around the corner. If you teach them that you can get your own way by moaning enough then you will really struggle to get them to comply with rules as a teenager.

My personal belief (as a parent of 4 young adults) is that sometimes you have to just hold the line about things, or you lose your authority as a parent. I'm sure that will be an unpopular viewpoint but so be it!

I wouldn't force him to take part in something out of school hours that he hates. Particularly as he has a previous arrangement that he loves doing.

But he has 2 commitments the activity and the concert

if he no plans this evening and just didn’t want to go then I can see all the arguments that he should go and that he has made a commitment and he will let people down

but he does have pre existing plans - and the mantra usually is the first invitation or plan is the one you go to

the reasoning seems to be that it is his last concert so he should go