The Christmas Carol concert strop

[Jessieshome]

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

My thinking is that he hasn't voluntarily made a commitment. He's just been given no choice. The school shouldn't assume attendance out of the school day, If they want to form a choir and have pupils take part in an evening event I think they should check who wants to be involved, not just assume participation.

I would have sacked it off personally. None of you want to go!

I'd send him in just to show he can't get his way by throwing a tantrum.

I do think you have to stick to your guns now OP.

Like PP I think it might have been ok to pull out with plenty of notice. Not last minute.

I also agree that if every child pulls out who has a clashing activity or who doesn’t like singing, that may spell the end of school carol concerts, plays, and similar. The reason these things work and are worth all the effort from staff is because they are “whole school” and it is expected that you will prioritise them.

Today’s society prioritises the wants of the individual much more and that is good in some ways but ultimately leads to the loss of a lot of beneficial communal activity.

Really! Maybe he has reasons why he does'nt want to do it? Op has not come back to explain.

OP says he does the activity all year round. Maybe he mucks out or grooms?

Good enough reason for me. Start now before he becomes a teenager.

If it wasn’t compulsory I didn’t force my kids to go if they didn’t want to (I’m not religious anyway).

No I think you are right to make him. Sometimes we have to make a commitment and stick with it so we don't let our team down. Imagine if all the minor parts didn't bother to show.

Yes but the tantrum is because he’s being forced to go. I’d have a tantrum too if I were made to go somewhere that wasn’t compulsory, I didn’t want to be, but the choice was taken from me.

In this situation I wouldn't force him tbh

You would have to think of some excuse for school though I guess....(car broke down?!)

Can't believe so many people think that if their child doesn't have a starring role they don't have to bother turning up. Presumably they would equally have a strop if their child was the star and the chorus hadn't bothered to show up resulting in a mediocre show rather than being at the centre of a really good whole school performance.

It's so last minute now you have to go, and are presumably alraady there, but I think you owe your DC a bit of an apology for committing him (or failing to correct his assumed attendance) without a discussion with him, and for confusing the dates, causing the double booking. I'm all for making them do anything they've committed to/not bailing when a better offer comes along, but this isn't the case here. However relaxed the agreement, he already had plans for this evening.

School are very U for expecting students not to already have other commitments and assuming attendance. My DCs' schools ask to confirm if attendance is possible for out-of-hours events for this very reason.

No our country is full of spoilt brats who refuse to do anything if its not for their own personal benefit this is why so many adults don't work the real world is a shock to them and they can't handle it

I don't understand the thinking here in general.

Kids don't get a choice in participating in these events.
Lots of them don't want to and wouldn't given a choice.
It's not an essential life skill to sing, act etc, so I don't understand why it's forced. I strongly believe anything outside of school hours should be a free opt in, no expectations.

Often the reasoning seems to be some version of "for the parents", "to promote the school" or "for the school community".
But the reasoning there is very odd.
For the parents - so you're ok with pushing kids into doing things they don't want, are neutral on benefiting them, and they had no choice in for the benefit of other adults...
To promote the school - Ditto, replace "other adults" with "the school"
For the school community - what community, when it relies on mild coercion - there's no "fellow feeling" here, it's just a chore.

Plenty of kids do like to sing and dance and act.
I really think they should be able to, same as the ones who like sport get a chance to play it and the academic ones to participate in quizzes/competitions etc.
But don't inflict it on the others who don't.

And if some school activities/events fold because too many people don't want to participate.... Well isn't that telling us something we should be listening to?

In this particular case, that's balanced against not bailing out at the last minute when you're expected somewhere and potentially letting people down. But I don't think he should have been forced into this position in the first place.

On the flip side though,

There are countless sad and frustrated posts on here from women whose friends and family have bailed and let them down at the last minute.

Parents who can’t persuade their children to do anything they don’t want to do, such as tidy up / go to college / get a job.

Wives whose husbands opt out of all the tasks they’d rather not do in favour of cycling or going to the pub.

The only people who need to ‘learn how to say no’ are those who are people pleasers to begin with. OP’s son having a strop about his horse-riding and railing against the carol concert doesn’t sound like a people-pleaser. He sounds like a child who needs to learn that he can’t always do what he wants.

@TheaBrandt ’a show to placate the middle aged parents’…In what way?

@Stormyweatheroutthere oh yes, the chatterboxes. There were a few at DS's concert yesterday. Yakking to their mates all the way through it. And the toddlers too. I fully get that people may need to take younger children along but don't let them run up and down the aisle shrieking and stomping. The church even has a little play corner with books and quiet toys for little ones. DS was just doing the songs with the majority of the kids but those with speaking parts could barely be heard at times. I'd have been a bit disappointed if they had been my child as they deserved to have people willing and able to listen.

Because middle aged parents like carols and “it’s the way it’s always been”. Most kids and young people wouldn’t choose to be involved in a Carol service. It’s the awkward age between the cuteness of the nativity when they do as they are told and the sunlight uplands of adulthood when you can choose your own actives depending on preference.

Forcing tweens and teens to partake in this stuff is pointless and counter productive.

All this bollocks about not letting him go riding because he had a strop - why isn't he allowed to be angry about it? It's a school activity, he didn't "agree" to it, he's being made to do something he doesn't enjoy and missing something he does enjoy because that's what school has decided, outside school hours.

Why shouldn't he be allowed to go riding tomorrow as a reward for showing up to something he really didn't want to do tonight?

He's a child. He's allowed to be pissed off.

If he had volunteered for the choir and was being relied on I would think differently. But this isn’t that.

He doesn't want to do it and you don't want to go and watch him do it.

He will be stood at the back miserable and pretending to sing, nobody will notice whether he is there or not.

Why are you forcing it?

Well that’s because you’ve completely missed the point. 😂

Some of us couldn’t give a stuff about dodgy school shows full stop as they’re utterly pointless, in the same vein as watching reality tv shows.

As an older parent and a granny, I think they should be consigned to the same fate as primary schools sports day. (Ours thankfully doesn’t bother with that anymore)

Fine for sporty kids or the drama kids who choose to get involved but of little educational value to the rest of the school population and they really shouldn’t be badgered into being used essentially as a prop. to make the other kids look good. 🙄