The Christmas Carol concert strop

[Jessieshome]

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

Horse riding. Horses are therapeutic and it's a stressy time of year for everyone.

He does find then very therapeutic, he loves cuddling them! It is also an RDA stables so it's literally promoted as a therapeutic activity. Perhaps I am being a very mean mum! :(

He should go. Imagine what the performance would be like if half of those taking part decided not to bother turning up. It's one evening of the year. As others have said, life is full of things we would rather not be doing. If we bail out of them, we are letting other people down.

So many people who don’t get how a choir works. You need the numbers. What if everyone in it decided they were ‘just’ choir and bailed.
Plus it’s clear the activity can just as well be done tomorrow as per OP’s update - he’s not missing it completely and nobody there is relying on him.
He should definitely do the carol concert.

Perhaps I should go horse riding with him! 😄

He can go horse riding tomorrow - OP has confirmed this.

If he doesn't go to the carol concert then fine but he wouldn't be going horse riding either ! Don't reward the strop!

I went to a school myself that use to have Christmas concerts after school and I remember when kids didn’t turn up how it affected the performance for everyone. Even if they didn’t have a solo part it still affected everyone. I would send him to the concert especially as his horse riding can be rearranged within the next couple of days.

Did he ever agree to go to the carol concert?

There's no lesson to be learned if he had no say in attending from the start.

Thank you very much for all your replies, I can see all your points. I think I will stick with making him go, because he can go horse riding tomorrow, and the points people have about needing numbers in the choir even if you are 'just' part of the chorus line. And it's a lesson in life sucks sometimes learn to control your frustration! Thanks for some advice in dealing with it too. :)

The teacher may have a regular Thursday activity she likes to do that she can't do this week because she's doing this in the evening. Should she decide nah, just fvck it? Its not like it's in her regular working hours. You can agree with him it's a shame he's had to miss a few lately (sounds like he wouldnt be kicking off about tonight either if he had been able to go recently) but he's part of this school event and he can go horseriding another night. And I definitely wouldn't be teaching him that if he complains loudly enough he gets what he wants.

I think you’re doing the right thing making him do it. Otherwise the message he gets is that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
It might be an exam next time. Or a doctor’s appointment. Or getting a job when he’s 18.
Don’t set that precedent. He does have a part, he’s in the choir. I’m sure the vast majority would rather be elsewhere, but if they all bailed there’d be no concert. I’m sure the concert brings joy to a lot of people each year, and it celebrates an important event in the calendar. It’s a commitment he needs to honour.

It's not really something you agree or don't agree to it's just how it is. Unless there are particular religious, cultural, behavioural or safeguarding issues it's just expected you'll be there I think. It's just a normal state school nothing fancy. hey have told us about it for a couple of months, we just hadn't clocked the day and activity clash.

I agree with this.

This is not a hill I'd die on tbh. I'd let him do his favoured activity. Nowt wrong with making a choice to do something he loves, versus something you all don't like!! Seems like a punishment for no good reason.

If he had an important part, or it was a quartet or a tiny choir or something like that, where it would be an issue for the others, of course he would need to go.
But in this particular case, I'd sack it off and go do something more fun instead!!

I have never forced my dc to perform like this. It takes away their autonomy. That is why he is angry. There are plenty of children that love to perform and sing, and there are plenty that don’t. The whole event is not hanging in the balance of your son turning up, quite the reverse no one will even notice.

I think you should have said at the beginning he wouldn’t be attending. Next time you can give more notice. Children are people, they should have a choice as far as possible.

I would let him go to activity on the understanding he lets you know in good time if he doesn’t want to participate in the future.

I think you sound like a great mum. Deferred gratification is an incredibly useful life lesson. And being part of a chorus line after having a starring role. A video of him looking pained during the singing will give hours of amusement to you and your DH.

I’d hold the line on this - we’ve always insisted that ours go to the school concert whether they have a part or not. School expect it and we see it as being part of a community. The only thing I wish I’d done differently was sports day as that was just one long humiliation for DS2. But sitting with your class mates in the choir is no hardship.

If he is still kicking off when he comes home, and he was mine, he’d get an ultimatum at that age - calm down, do it with good grace to support your class mates and school - or the Thursday activity stops. I can accept a protest but not one that drags on and threatens to spoil the whole evening.

Teach your child the meaning of duty - make him go to the carol concert. He can go horse riding tomorrow.

Have fun, OP!

Why would the classmates need ‘support’ singing a few carols?! Goodness they are not climbing Everest as a team 😂

I personally wouldn’t make him go - it isn’t a commitment it’s an obligation, except it’s one that he isn’t actually obliged to do. It’s an overwhelming time of year and if he really doesn’t want to do it, what’s the benefit? He’s just a kid. Not everything needs to be a lesson.

I’m depressed by the number of posts that say let him sack it off - what happens if most of the kids don’t go? Is that how we support our schools?

Mine would be reminded that they get to do the other activity most weeks - but this week it’s a school event. End of argument.

School hours? Sure, he does the concert. But out of school hours? Nope.
Why? Because he didn't sign up for it as a 'club'; it was part of his school day curriculum. That doesn't mean he has to appear in the evening.

I'd send him to his club.

Won't it be too dark to ride after school?

And those saying that it’s not ‘just’ being part of the chorus and what if everyone decided just to skip it…maybe the school
would then realise they shouldn’t force evening activities onto their pupils? It should be either during school time or immediately after school really.

Not a chance I’d make him go if it were my DS. I can’t stand school concerts, nativity etc. so if DS wasn’t keen on getting involved in an activity that’s after school, that’s his choice. As it worked out, he did always attend as he was keen to be with his friends but I hated having to go and watch sat in a draughty church. It’s pure tedium. 😠 (for the record, I dislike concerts of any sort and can’t stand musical theatre.)