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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Christmas Carol concert strop

163 replies

Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 15:53

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 12/12/2024 15:55

I'm not sure why you would force him to participate in something he dislikes, whether or not there is another activity he would rather do.

lazyarse123 · 12/12/2024 15:57

I wouldn't force him especially as he doesn't have a solo part. Everybody will be miserable.

ByMerryKoala · 12/12/2024 15:58

Yeah, of course, you don't just bail on your class mates because you CBA and don't have the limelight.

Reallybadidea · 12/12/2024 16:09

YANBU sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not because we've made a commitment/we don't let others down/it's the right thing to do.

PastaAndProse · 12/12/2024 16:11

I wouldn't entertain any out of hours activities for school to be honest, unless the child wants to participate. Your DS doesn't, so I wouldn't make him. Let him do the activity he enjoys.

Snorlaxo · 12/12/2024 16:16

I would send him to his activity tbh. He doesn’t enjoy events like that and his absence isn’t going to affect the performance.

PoppyFleur · 12/12/2024 16:16

Why did you agree to this activity in the first place if it clashed with a pre arranged activity?

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:16

Reallybadidea · 12/12/2024 16:09

YANBU sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not because we've made a commitment/we don't let others down/it's the right thing to do.

This is mine and my husbands thinking, he probably wouldn't be that bothered about going if it wasn't for the fact that he had somewhere else to be. The carol concert has been at 6pm every year since COVID now. It's been quite nice previous years and he has had a speaking part and been proud he was one of the louder, clearer speakers even though he doesn't love this type of performance. I'm not sure why he isn't speaking this year. I think he's just being a bit of a dick! The school hasn't insisted he go but it's strongly recommended.

OP posts:
Trallers · 12/12/2024 16:17

I don't think it's good to pull out of things at the last minute because you don't fancy it. There's an expectation he'll be there, even if just as another face in the choir crowd, and that should be honoured imo. It'd be different if he felt a bit unwell, or had been planned further ahead of time, but that's not the case so he should go.

I would say he needs sympathy and space to find it annoying without you expressing finding him too annoying. The situation should be the enemy, not you. Gosh, yes it sucks to missing x after 2 weeks doesn't it, and just to sit in the choir too. Unfortunately we can't just pull of things we've committed to, but I'm right there with you. Let's plan something enjoyable for when we get home to take the sting out of it at least etc etc.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:18

PoppyFleur · 12/12/2024 16:16

Why did you agree to this activity in the first place if it clashed with a pre arranged activity?

He goes to the other activity every Thursday all year round. This is the school Christmas carol concert, it's just when they do it and have done for a couple of years now. Nursey to year 2 do there's in school hours year 3-6 do an evening concert. I'm not sure how normal this is compared to other places.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 12/12/2024 16:18

YANBU, I wouldn't bail at the last minute. If there was an opportunity to pull out sooner so the teachers can organise themselves, then I would have allowed.

Dampfnudeln · 12/12/2024 16:22

Yanbu, it's important to learn about honouring commitments and not dropping out at the last minute due to a better offer.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:22

Trallers · 12/12/2024 16:17

I don't think it's good to pull out of things at the last minute because you don't fancy it. There's an expectation he'll be there, even if just as another face in the choir crowd, and that should be honoured imo. It'd be different if he felt a bit unwell, or had been planned further ahead of time, but that's not the case so he should go.

I would say he needs sympathy and space to find it annoying without you expressing finding him too annoying. The situation should be the enemy, not you. Gosh, yes it sucks to missing x after 2 weeks doesn't it, and just to sit in the choir too. Unfortunately we can't just pull of things we've committed to, but I'm right there with you. Let's plan something enjoyable for when we get home to take the sting out of it at least etc etc.

Thank you, that's lovely. I'm not shouting at him, I've just let him have his strop and I've remained calm today, although I did snap at him briefly last night when he kept going on about it. I'm the 'softer' parent so he usually goes on and on at me in the higher hope that I will break, he wouldn't dream of whinging and getting cross at his dad!

Thanks very much for the advice. :)

OP posts:
SausageRoll2020 · 12/12/2024 16:22

He doesn't want to go.
By the sound of your post you don't really want to go.
He is one of many in a choir so won't be missed.
He has another scheduled activity that he prefers (and presumably is also pre-committed to)

Why are you considering going? Sounds like it'd be an utterly miserable evening for all of you. There will be plenty of times in life he'll have to do things that aren't enjoyable but maybe learning how to say no to things is also an important life skill to learn. Maybe he could be the one to contact the organisers to tell them he won't be coming? Learning to do this politely is a good skill to have.

TickingAlongNicely · 12/12/2024 16:25

I wouldn't force him to attend the Carol concert, if he's going to grumpy and not participate.

But I wouldn't award a tantrum with going going to his the other activity either.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/12/2024 16:25

Just back from such an endurance test... Too many chatty bloody people who should have gone to a cafe not a concert..
Told dh next year I wil be washing my hair.... Ds hated every second. Yabu to put you all through it op. I bet dc would prefer tidying their bedroom..

IKEAJesus · 12/12/2024 16:26

Did he opt into the carol concert as an extra-curricular or is it something school are making them do?

If he opted in, I’d be making him go because he chose to commit to it. If it’s a whole-class / whole-school thing I’d let him miss it if he doesn’t want to go.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:38

It's something the school are sort of making him do, it's just how this school does carol concerts, they are after school for this age group. the activity is horse riding, his auntie owns and manages a stables on the old family farm, he can theoretically go whenever he likes within reason but he goes twice a week so it's not a team sport where he is needed like in football or rugby and doesn't cost us money.

I genuinely think he'd be happy enough to go to the concert if it wasn't for the fact he was missing the horses. We hadn't noticed the clash until earlier this week (it's a busy time of year!) so a bit of a last minute change of routine for him (he's not neurodivergent just doesn't like changes to plans too much).

I really love carol concerts usually, and we've all enjoyed previous ones, I just I know this one will be miserable because he is so angry.

OP posts:
fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:40

I think he should go to the carol concert and not pull out at the last minute.
Yes, it's annoying that the school organized the concert at that time on a Thursday evening but you should have made the school aware of the clash at the time and said he wouldn't be able to go because he had to go to the other activity instead.
It's not fair on the people organizing the carol concert or on his classmates to pull out now at the last minute. What if lots of people do the same thing? The choir could end up being quite depleted.
I used to run a children's choir and I ended up stopping because of this sort of thing. People signing their children up to the choir, confirming they would be there at a particular event and then either sending a quick message a couple of hours before "Sorry, can't make it, something's come up" or just simply not showing up. One of the events we did ended up with half the choir just not there.

It's about honouring a commitment (even if he didn't opt in as such because it is a whole school thing) or saying a clear no at an early point when you realize there is a clash so that the people organizing are aware.

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:41

Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:38

It's something the school are sort of making him do, it's just how this school does carol concerts, they are after school for this age group. the activity is horse riding, his auntie owns and manages a stables on the old family farm, he can theoretically go whenever he likes within reason but he goes twice a week so it's not a team sport where he is needed like in football or rugby and doesn't cost us money.

I genuinely think he'd be happy enough to go to the concert if it wasn't for the fact he was missing the horses. We hadn't noticed the clash until earlier this week (it's a busy time of year!) so a bit of a last minute change of routine for him (he's not neurodivergent just doesn't like changes to plans too much).

I really love carol concerts usually, and we've all enjoyed previous ones, I just I know this one will be miserable because he is so angry.

In that case can't the horse riding be postponed until tomorrow or the weekend? Then he can do both.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:42

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 16:41

In that case can't the horse riding be postponed until tomorrow or the weekend? Then he can do both.

Show quote history

That's what I've said to him but he's still not happy! I'm hoping after running around with his friend he will come back a bit calmer.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 12/12/2024 16:44

He should go.

TheaBrandt · 12/12/2024 16:45

Definitely skip it. Unless he’s a habitual bailer. Honestly life’s too short. It’s supposed to
be enjoyable not an endurance test.

Marblesbackagain · 12/12/2024 16:46

YABU, it's a choir he wants to do n activity not sit in his room gaming 🤷‍♀️.

Original poster
Jessieshome · 12/12/2024 16:47

It's normal to me that the concert is outside of school hours, perhaps this isn't normal in other areas. They're not forcing him to be there as such but it is expected. It's not a specific school choir he is a member of, it's all of years 3-6 singing together (possibly years 4-6 actually), they've been practicing for a while and he's been singing the songs and carols at home. I'd always expect him to attend, it's just part of school life to me, and like another poster said, what if all the kids decided they didn't want to go and it was just a couple of them that turn up to sing.

OP posts: