The Christmas Carol concert strop

[Jessieshome]

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”?

I’ve certainly told my managers I can’t make non-core events outside of my contractual working hours. Never been an issue.

I never understand the resistance to this. Nothing wrong with respecting your own time!

In what way would he be letting others down? He doesn’t have any role other than to stand there with other kids and sing, and it’s not a mandatory activity. Sure, I’d make him do it if he had a solo or something, but otherwise it’s just making him be a martyr. We do, indeed, all have to do things we don’t like - which is why I think it’s perfectly OK to only do them when it’s actually important or necessary. He has another commitment on Thursdays that he does enjoy - why is that less important than the carols? Why can’t he choose which one to do?

Every day on Mumsnet there are women telling other women to say no to things they don’t enjoy, telling them not to be people-pleasing martyrs, going on about boundaries and how ‘no is a complete sentence’ etc. But when it’s a kid being asked to do a pointless activity that they hate, purely for appearances, people act like that’s character building. Surely it’s teaching kids to be the people who can’t say no in later life?

Necessary stuff where your presence will be missed - yes, that’s something we have to do even if we’d rather not. But it would be useful to distinguish those things from the unnecessary things that we don’t need to do at all.

Can you imagine if I told my boss I couldn’t make the meeting because “autonomy”?

This isn’t a work meeting though. It’s an out of hours leisure activity, at a time when he has a prior commitment, and at which he has no role.

If my boss asked me to go to a work-related social event, at which I didn’t have any role other than to appear, outside of work hours on an evening when I already had a personal engagement in my diary, of course I’d say ‘Sorry, I won’t be able to make it.’

Thanks all, again, I can't read all the replies but I've read a lot.

The horse riding isn't a commitment he can pretty much go whenever he likes, he's extremely lucky that it's on the family farm with his aunt and cousins and free, so we've not even made a financial commitment. It's outdoor and has floodlights for those talking about it being dark 😊

Anyway, he calmed down loads after playing with his friend and went willingly all be it grumpily and joined in with the singing very half heartedly! But it was actually a lovely concert, I enjoyed it myself as did my husband and older son. He was also in a perfectly good mood afterwards.

As someone mentioned the evening concerts are a hundreds times better for me because of work, I've had to miss many sports days and harvest festivals in the past which has made me very sad.

I'm a big believer in teaching resilience, and handling emotions, yes he doesn't particularly enjoy performing on a stage, but he was in the pews amongst classmates so he wasn't particularly on display, but his main reason for not wanting to go was because he would rather have been horse riding not because he was frightened of performing.

He could be very easily spoiled this boy, he is very good at throwing a tantrum and he knows which buttons to push to try and make me give in, I could quite easily be a terrible mum who lets him get away with everything because I really struggle to cope with his tantrums, and I could end up raising a total twat of a man who thinks he can always have what he wants. Digesting all your comments, thank you, I think I did the right thing. He's a lovely boy really 😍

It looks like you made the right decision. You know your son better than anyone here. My kids didn’t really have tantrums so if they didn’t want to go somewhere (that wasn’t a commitment) they didn’t necessarily have to go. You’d certainly be making a rod for your own back if you gave in to his every tantrum. Glad you enjoyed it.

Not in the slightest! He's choosing to 'be a dick' by letting the others down and needs to know that there are consequences in life, a lesson that so many wet parents on here are frightened to teach, as they cowardly choose to avoid lots of things that may make them unpopular with their children.

Thank you for letting us know and you did the right thing.

Glad it all went ok OP and that you managed to enjoy it. I think you taught your son a very valuable lesson and I’m very much in agreement with your thoughts on it.
I hope he enjoys his horse riding! 😊

He goes to the concert to support his friends and teachers who have invested time and effort into preparing.

How would he feel if he had the solo next year and no-one else turned up, because they didn't have an important enough part?

It won't hurt him to learn a bit of duty early on, as so many youngsters just seem ill-equipped for life in general.

Oh excellent! I hope you all enjoyed it at least 😊.

Glad he went on the end and you were able to see a school event, so many of us miss everything when we are working. I also hope he enjoys his riding and it's not too cold or wet!

U torture him, no one enjoys Xmas Carol concerts, there is always one kid that sounds like a donkey.