The Christmas Carol concert strop

[Jessieshome]

It’s my 11 year old son’s Christmas carol concert tonight, it’s at the local church at 6pm. He usually does an activity which he adores on a Thursday evening, an activity that was cancelled last Thursday and Saturday because of terrible weather. So he hasn’t been ‘FOREVER!’. He doesn’t have a speaking part in the concert as he has previous years, he’s just in the choir as all his classmates are. He doesn’t enjoy performing or singing on stage so even if he didn’t have somewhere else he would love to be he’d still not be keen.

We’re making him go to the carol concert and he’s furious. He’s been stomping and banging about in his room since he got home from school and has gone off to knock for his friend for a bit.

Am I being unreasonable to force him to go? Or is it fair enough - it’s part of Christmas, it’s his last carol concert as he’ll be in high school next year and he needs to learn he can’t always have it his way. We’re all going to have an absolutely terrible time, sat in a cold church watching our son sit at the back of his school choir in a massive mood!

We gave up with forcing after the violin wars. Dd1 stopped practising and had a miserable time at violin camp. Binned it. She found a sport she enjoyed that she played throughout her school years at a club and achieved top gcse and a level results and is going to a great university. Honestly my one
parenting regret was forcing this sort
of nonsense on her.

Absolutely whisky if you want to join in fab knock yourself out. Otherwise who cares?

Our primary did it really well the older years children chose if they wanted to be in the school choir or play an instrument. Those that weren’t musical performers stayed out of the whole thing.

I'd make him go. He's old enough to start negotiating through these things. Also choirs need numbers so it's very unfair to drop out.

You're then practicing what you're preaching by going yourselves.

He is one of many in a choir so won't be missed.

What if all the others are having similar strops?

Some kids really enjoy being in the choir. Mine did.

Maybe the school will realise having an non optional event outside of school time isn’t ideal

but Presumably it is held on an evening to gain the maximum amount of pupils and parents it can understanding that not everyone can make it

these threads always strike me that sometimes we have higher expectations of children than adults.

Of course he should go. He has made a commitment to his classmates and the school. It’s a one off, not an every week thing!

He also needs to recognise that throwing a strop is not the way to go about things. Sometimes in life we have to make sacrifices and occasionally do something we’d rather not, for the sake of others.

It’s no wonder we have so many children ruling the roost and ignoring parents when you see how many people on here would back down. Rewarding poor behaviour only leads to further poor behaviour.

It’s funny how adults make kids do things a lot of us adults would hate to have to do ourselves. If as adults we were conscripted to do a carol concert whether we wanted to or not we would throw a fit and tell them where to go, but with kids we just make them. I was shy as a kid and hated this sort of thing, concerts, plays etc and still do, though of course have had to rise to the challenge of being an adult and speaking to people, but none of these forced activities as a child helped that, I just sort of grew up.

Obviously it’s too late for your child, it’s a done deal and he can’t let everyone down now if they all have to be there. But just think as adults if we were made to do shit like this we dislike, it shouldn’t be different for children.

But isn’t the concert a subsequent commitment? If he had already committed to the hobby class/session, then isn’t it the concert that needs to b dropped on the basis that he already wasnt free that night?

But there’s tonnes of stuff adults have to do in life that they don’t want to- work meetings, team building rubbish, presentations, training days, working late, medical tests…
It’s just the things we are expected to do are a little different than carol concerts and school plays.

So, he doesn’t want to go, the school says he doesn’t have to go, him not going won’t affect anything as he is only in the choir and doesn’t have a speaking part, and he has a pre-existing activity that he wants to go to? Personally, I would let him do the activity in this situation.

But Carol concerts are supposed to be fun?!! Your examples are of work related and medical stuff the kids are required to do as well.

Yeah but those examples mostly are part of employment to earn money to live and pay bills, a carol concert or play come under forced fun and serve absolutely no benefit to a child who is shy.

Also medical tests are very different from being forced to sing ‘we wish you a merry Christmas’ to entertain adults like we were trained monkeys.

The school haven't said he doesn't have to go. The op said they expect all the pupils to take part.

YABU!! It's a carol concert. He's 11, he's not got a speaking role, why on earth are you making him go when he doesn't want to and nobody else wants to particularly?? What an odd hill to die on.

Sounds like the school made the commitment on his behalf. He didn't commit to it. He didn't actually have to go, according to op it's not compulsory. So why should he be forced to do something he never wanted to do, that is actually optional, that has no educational value and conflicts with something that does have value to him?

From your posts on this and another thread this evening, it sounds like you think that children should have a difficult, uncomfortable and unpleasant upbringing because you had to.

If he didn’t choose the school and he didn’t sign up to be in the choir or in some other way volunteer/commit to having his evening taken up with this, then I think he should be able to opt out of doing it for whatever reason he wants.

The consequences of him not going aren’t significant and the forcing him to go is just an exercise in power, not a justified requirement that does him (or anyone else) any good.

Spot on RawBloomer

Not all. I had the most amazing childhood actually. But I do believe that something has gone wrong with parenting in recent years (I was also a teacher so I’ve seen this from that side too) and you read posts on this forum and you can see why.

If the school forced this upon him, then the decision not to participate could have been made earlier. Fair enough. But a last minute decision to not turn up is poor form and isn’t teaching this lad much at all.

I know this is too late as concert well under way/over, but I agree I wouldn’t make my 11 yo participate. I’m a literal singing teacher but performing is my eldest child’s worst nightmare. He even refused his nursery nativity and carved out a tech role for himself in his infant nativity 😅

Quite shocked at the number of people who would let him pull out of the concert.

I wouldn’t have made him no, My daughter actually missed parents evening (y9) last week for her riding lesson. Me and DH went on our own though

I disagree, you are empowering him to make decisions, to listen to his own needs and self respect. Children are not generic sheep instructed to jump to command. They are not there to be performing seals.
Next time he will give more notice perhaps but should not be wheeled out for the sake of it.

OP said “The school hasn't insisted he go but it's strongly recommended.” It is not obligatory ie. he doesn’t have to go.

Fair enough. We shall agree to disagree.
I just personally don’t think rewarding stroppy behaviour is the way to go on this occasion. But I’d certainly sit down and have a chat with him at some point about how to approach this type of situation if it ever happened again.