Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

You’re telling me what my sons consultant told me now? You were there?

Recently we started a joint account, but the money is strictly allocated to certain things, x amount a week for groceries etc. If I want anything for myself I have to sell some of my old stuff on Vinted

No it doesn't. Again, epipens aren't given "just in case" to people with only mild symptoms. They are prescribed based on risk.

Oh dear. And does the same apply to him? Does he spend money on clothes, alcohol or hobbies?
Does he run it past you before spending any large sums of money or does he see it all as "his" money?

You need urgent legal advice. Many Family solicitors will give half an hour free advice.

He is a piece of shit.

No, I'm saying it's nonsense.

I have an allergy to peanuts and my family wouldn’t eat peanut butter because of this.

You do realise that it can get worse with each contact…?. You definitely have an allergy to peanuts as that is the reaction I’ve had in past.

Your husband is abusive. Can you try to get back to work to get some financial independence?

I was stung by a wasp 8 times as a child apart from localised pain no reaction then as a teenager twice a bit red but okay as an adult I had a sting on my hand that caused my arm to swell and the next time by my arm pit saw me in hospital....he's wrong and a Pratt no wonder why he already has an ex.

My DS was diagnosed with a peanut allergy just before his 1st birthday as he picked up my peanut butter toast and got it on his face. His lips swelled at the time.

He has never had an epi pen and he's nearly 11 now.

We recently tested again and was told he is highly allergic, still no epi pen though.

Are you mad, severe allergies kill people rinsing your mouth is not enough.

To your original question, yanbu. If there was something that I had a reaction to, even just mildly, my husband wouldn't expose me to it.

Your other updates are worrying Rosegarden47 Physical intimidation and grabbing you from behind is abuse. Telling you he's taking your daughter is horrible. The times after he does something particularly bad, the ones where you feel like a strong couple, are all part of the cycle of abuse. It how he reels you back in.

Do you have family or friends you could go to for support? It would be worth calling Womens Aid and having a think about an escape route.

He’s never hit me, but he’s laid hands on me. The first time was when I was pregnant.

That’s a very common time for abuse to start, or ramp up.

The fact he put his hand over your mouth is very concerning.

That plus dismissing your fears over the peanut butter, and then trying to gaslight you saying conversations didn’t happen is something you should discuss with women’s aid.

OP doesnt have a severe allergy - see her first post. but i would be concerned about the physical abuse while pregnant. this is clearly not just about peanut butter.

As I suspected, you're being financially abused also. Please talk to women's aid or similar.

Also, she doesn't say the "only" time. She says the first time!

Is that because as a family you are in dire financial straights or because he won’t allow you?

do you know what he’s really earning as in his wage is paid straight into the account?

it’s not painting a healthy picture @Rosegarden47 do your friends and family know all this or do you hide it from them.

This country has appalling levels of ignorance about allergies. Far too many people think being medically unable to eat something is just being fussy, trendy, attention seeking etc. Oh a little bit won't do you any harm! Er eyes it will. I was at a buffet with work a while ago. Despite requests the caterers failed to provide coeliac safe food for two of us and sprinkled peanuts over the salad platters as a garnish. One of my team is allergic to them and had said so on his lunch form. And people who cross contaminate foods at salad bars etc. yes people with allergies probably won't risk it but how hard is it to use and replace the correct spoon/tongs and not drip food everywhere? There needs to be some sort of public information campaign.

You can get hives and facial swelling from pet allergies though. Or sometimes hives along with hayfever as a response to plants/pollen. All are IgE mediated, like food allergies, but you’re very rarely prescribed an epipen in these cases.

That said, OP may well need to carry an epipen but she needs to see a doctor again when she can. I’m sorry you’re going through all this OP.

She says in her first post she doesn't have a severe allergy, but she minimises some other quite serious things in the rest of her posts as well. We can see from her description of her husband's behaviour that he is abusive. We can also see from her description of her reaction to peanuts that her allergy is likely to be severe.

I agree, @Rosegarden47 your updates are really concerning. You can get free legal advice for England and wales here: www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk

Please do take this seriously. It will only get worse and it will impact on your daughter.

Your husband is abusive, you are in a very dangerous relationship.

If her lips are swelling and she has tingling in her throat, I’d say that was pretty serious.

OP, your husband is emotionally, verbally, financially and physically abusive.

Please speak to women's aid. Please confide in a trusted friend. This is not safe for you or for your daughter.

Tingling in her lips she said

Are you for real ? You’re saying it’s all in the OP’s head ? Christ, the misogyny.