Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Consultants must vary on this because ours didn’t prescribe an epipen until the airways were involved.
He wouldn’t for rash and lip swelling, but once DS started wheezing on exposure to the allergen he did.
He literally said, ‘Once the airways are compromised I have no choice but to presribe’.

Reactions do not get more severe on each exposure. They may be more severe but that’s not the same thing. They may be life threatening at any time as you say. They are difficult to predict.

Oh no OP, just read your latest update. It really sounds like you’d be safer leaving. I’m so sorry.

He laid hands on you when you were pregnant?!?!?! In what way? I'd find a way to safely split up with him without a confrontation this will only get worse.

He's being appalling behaved. If you can manage to, bag and bin any jars of peanut butter he buys.
Photograph any physical reaction you have for your records. And note his comments/dismissal of your concerns.
(Considering his ex's history am really shocked at his behaviour.)
I can't eat shellfish - my husband loves it so compromise is he eats it when out or if it's in the house he deals with everything to do with it. It is carefully stored in the fridge and any plates cutlery he uses he deals with.

He hasn’t changed. He just hid his true self until you were trapped with him because you have child together. Now he’s taken off the mask. This is the real him.

I’m so sorry, but I think you know you can’t carry on being with this man who LAID HANDS ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT.

Please take steps towards leaving him.

If you don't know what you're talking about, don't comment, especially when your ignorance could be dangerous. People with IgE-mediated allergies do require an epipen to be safe as not every exposure is the same level of severity. My children have allergies. With my first, the first exposure caused a mild itchy rash, and the second sent us to resus.

OP putting all the medical stuff to one side for a minute...which must be a huge worry for you - your updates on his behaviour are very concerning.

After demanding an apology for your "Rudeness" in pointing out that you didn't like his behaviour ( which was DEFINITELY unreasonable btw) he then picked up your 18 month old daughter and said he was leaving with her...a horrible threat...
And then told you to f off out of HIS house.
This is totally abusive.

You do need to talk to someone in RL who can help you... Womens Aid is often suggested.

He seems determined to start fights with you, and is deliberately provoking you to justify this. It is very concerning, because what started as a disagreement over a potential allergy has escalated in a very shot time. His ignorant, entitled, abusive attitude and his threats to evict you from your home or separate you from your young child make me very concerned that he could do something deliberately stupid with the peanut butter etc in order to prove his point. Its also telling that his ex had an allergy and its no surprise that they are an ex.

It doesn't matter if he's been wonderful to you in the past. You cannot separate the wonderful person from the abusive person. They are the same man. It matters how his episodes of being horrible and how he's treating you now have escalated. He is actually taunting you with something that could potentially be life threatening.

Please get help and advice asap on how to protect yourself and your DD. And on a practical level, get tested, even if privately so that you can go back to your GP and get whatever medical help/advice you may need. If you have supportive friends/family reach out to them for help too. Try not to worry about the medical issues. It sounds as if they are easy to deal with after consultation. The abusive DH is another matter.

On that occasion I was crying (I guess following an argument, I don’t really remember) and he grabbed me from behind and forced his hand over my mouth to stop me crying. I guess it’s probably a stretch calling that “laying hands” but it was the first time he’d done anything like that

I think you're underplaying that massively. That's horrific.

You really need to get away from him, OP. Do you have time when he's not there, when you could contact Women's Aid?

Totally agree.

I think you know you are married to an abusive man and you need to make plans to leave safely with your DC.

He's telling you he doesn't care if you die. He knows peanut allergies can be fatal and he's taunting you with his power to kill you essentially.

That is fucking awful. No one normal would do that.cWhy was he trying to stop you crying, so other people wouldn't hear???
The fact your memory is fuzzy as well shows you must have been scared. I have memory blanks in situations like that. I had an abusive ex- similar as never hit me but used to shout at me and he put his hand over my mouth once. I used to have memory blanks after occasions of him shouting at me.
This is far bigger than peanut butter. If it wasn't that it would be something else.
Please read "Why does he do that".

"grabbed" and "forced" to stop you crying after an argument... when you were pregnant.
I agree with @Jaehee - underplaying it.

That is physical abuse. and it was "the first time" does that mean he's done similar since then?

I think you should be careful. Get some support/advice and stop engaging in any argument with him at all whilst you work out what you can do to protect yourself. Its important not to escalate anything until you feel safe.

That’s not a stretch - that is most definitely inappropriate behaviour on his part. Other things you’ve mentioned highlight that your husband has a habit of manipulating you, trying to control you and dismissing your needs.

Please seek advice from an organisation such as Women’s Aid, your husband should not be treating you in this manner, and threatening to take your child with him when he said he was going to leave (because you stood up for yourself and refused to apologise when he was the one in the wrong not you) was a red flag.

He hates you.

Get away from him.

Would he be quite so blasé if it was a child who displayed signs and symptoms of an allergic reaction to the peanut butter? He sound like a total jerk.

Oh I know what I am talking about. Your son has a severe allergy. Hence why he has an epipen. My allergies are not severe. Hence why I do not have an epipen. Should I develop a severe allergy, I will be prescribed an epipen. Not every IgE-mediated allergy requires an epipen. Only the people who are at risk of anaphylaxis are given them.

Do you actually have an allergy?

Or just anxiety over peanuts. Always had a phobia and then an odd potentially psychosyomatic response.

Quite controlling to ban a perfectly decent food over potentially nothing. And really rude to insult it when he's eating it.

Get an allergy test if you actually think you've got one.

Dear God, at least read the OP's updates if nothing else

Pardon my French here, and I apologise for insulting the man you love,

BUT…..
Op, your husband is a twat. Of the highest order.

This is actually abusive behaviour. You now know you have a peanut allergy. Even if it starts out mild, you are at risk of it increasing in severity in the future.

You do not muck about with a peanut allergy. Throw it out, and tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he tries to bring anything peanut related into the house in future, it’ll be him that you throw out next.

Do yourself a favour and get tested for allergies at the doctor. If it is real then you will have proof to shut him up. If you are being hysterical then you'll have your mind set to rest.

Husband changed a lot (not for the better) after our daughter was born 18 months ago.

It comes as no surprise that the behaviour started when you were pregnant. It's a classic time for abusers to reveal their true self.

Unfortunately, in your case, you have a husband who is at best ambivalent as to whether you live or die and is happy to tempt fate. I'd get a private referral for testing (for your own peace of mind) and then start making plans to leave.

And for God's sake, don't have any more kids with this person.

@Rosegarden47 With every update he sounds worse and worse. He assaulted you while you were crying and pregnant. That is incredibly cruel and disturbing.

Imagine your wee daughter is grown up and married. Now imagine she is pregnant. Now imagine her husband doing what your monster of a husband did. It’s fucked up that your past experiences have conditioned you into thinking these things are “ok”. They are so far from okay, sweetheart.

Fucking Hell!!!

I wonder what else you're minimising.