Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Wait wait, what? I've never heard of anyone else having this stupid reaction to pine nuts, I was got about 3 times before I put it together. Was he able to get tested on the NHS?

It sounds like you probably have what would be called an intolerance, perhaps quite a severe one, rather than a severe allergy. But this is just the semantics of medical classifications, and just because something doesn't cause you to drop down dead doesn't mean it isn't a real problem. Sadly, there is a percentage of arseholes in the population who think that all allergies are made up by people who are seeking attention. "We didn't have allergies when I was a kid, we just got on with it, hur hur".

It's particularly stupid in this case because your DH actually knew someone who had a genuine allergy, but didn't apparently have the curiosity to work out that these things are all on a continuum. So as well as being an arsehole, he is also apparently a bit thick. 🤷‍♀️

(It's true that there are one or two people who claim to be allergic to a bunch of things which they then seem to forget about and be eating perfectly happily a few months later. But for your DH to accuse you of being in that group is astonishingly disrespectful.)

My dh is allergic to cranberries. Will get the same symptoms as you describe experiencing with peanuts. Therefore I don’t bring anything with cranberries into our house.
Especially at this time of year it’s in so much so I make sure I check anything that may have it in.

I absolutely love a turkey and cranberry sandwich (for example) but I respect dh, so it wouldn’t cross my mind to even bring it into the house.
If I really wanted cranberries I’ve been known to buy a Christmas sandwich from m&s with cranberry in it and eat it when out and about without dh.
it’s not difficult to respect your partner surely, and I would have thought that was a basic level!

He has never asked me to not bring it into the house, it’s a conversation that’s so obvious that we’ve never needed to have it.

It sounds like he’s getting a weird sort of kick making you feel uncomfortable about it, are there not any other red flags in his behaviour? As a normal reasonable person wouldn’t act like that with someone they love (or just anyone surely!)

It sounds like you have an allergy. In which case he is unreasonable. My son has a cashew allergy so they are banned in our house

It sounds like you have an allergy. In which case he is unreasonable. My son has a cashew allergy so they are banned in our house

But from her husband's POV that's how he sees it. Hence why she should get properly tested, even if it means paying to get it done, so she can shut him up once and for all. It's rare (not unheard of, but rare) to develop a peanut allergy in adulthood and if she's never had an issue in the past until this recent incident, then while her DH is being a bit of an arse about it, I don't think you can blame him for questioning whether or not she is really allergic.

For all we know this might be one of many health anxieties that the OP has, and her DH has learned not to take any of them seriously. Either that, or she has developed an allergy, she's not usually a catastrophiser and he's being an absolute arsehole. But until she gets properly tested we can't possibly know.

OP as the GP won't send you for testing you could always go sit in the waiting room and say 'I'm just going to eat this here, okay? Because I know you'll have an epipen to hand if I need one and you can get me into A&E immediately if I need that too.' Then get your teaspoon out. That's one way to beat an allergy testing waiting list.

It's really worrying that DH is behaving like this. Is he normally so aggressive? Do you get on well in other ways?

My son has a severe cashew allergy and carries an epi pen

People need to stop calling this an 'intolerance' to peanut butter.

OP is outright allergic. Hives and lip swelling are symptoms of allergy, not intolerance.

OP, you might find this link helpful. https://www.allergyuk.org/types-of-allergies/food-allergy/ It will explain to any normal person that what you are experiencing is an allergy.

Obviously this won't help with your arsehole husband, but divorce really would, and from your updates it is the very best way to avoid peanut butter.

No, this sounds like an allergy.

The man is an idiot at best but to be frank it sounds more like he’s abusive. Telling you your reaction to peanut butter is ‘in your head’? That you’re rude for telling him it makes you feel unwell? Followed by asking for an apology, then denying a conversation about peanut butter, then telling you you’re rude, then threatening to leave with your daughter, then telling you to fuck off and then that he didn’t mean to say he’s done with you but taking no ownership of his own behaviour. This is not the behaviour of a mature adult who has the best interests of you and your child in mind. Find your power and leave. You don’t deserve this and your child should not be exposed to this kind of behaviour. Please.

You could have endless marriage counselling but it will never help, it’s a waste of time for you. He knows exactly what he is doing and why, you can plead, explain to him until your blue in the face but it won’t make any difference.
You said he got worse after your dd was born, women are very vulnerable after birth and a coercive controller often becomes much more abusive.
He used your child in an argument by picking her up and threatening to leave with her, he then changed his mind and told you to both to fuck off out of the house. You are not allowed to answer back, have a different in opinion or god forbid an allergy unless he say you are allowed, he is a Coercive Controller!
Nothing will change him, marriage counselling won’t work because he is abusive and enjoys it. He gaslights you by denying he ever said this or done that to make you doubt your own mind, he will do the same to your dd too.
This isn’t really about peanut butter Op you are being abused x

You know that he is abusive and won't change. You need to speak to Women's Aid and make plans to separate, preferably with him leaving.

What is your work/financial situation?

I’d say lip tingling and swelling is a pretty damn good sign, however.

As has been noted by others, this is nothing much really to do with peanut butter, and more to do with coercive control. If someone loves you and respects you, they wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy, whether it's about a reaction to a particular foodstuff, or about anything else.

Give him an ultimatum. Either respect your feelings and concerns, and stop bringing peanut butter or peanut products into the house, or yes, tell him you have no other choice to leave. Could you go to
your parents with your daughter? I’m hoping a few days away will help him to his senses. If he doesn’t, then surely you can’t stay with someone like that. Sending a hug.

I don't understand why so many people are focussing on the allergy versus intolerance debate. It doesn't matter. He's an abusive, selfish arsehole regardless.

OP, you and your daughter can do so much better. Please realise this.

He is abusive but it’s also important OP gets the correct medical treatment.

That’s not true. My sons consultant told me once you are diagnose with an allergy, you are given an epi pen because by nature the reaction gets more severe with each exposure. There is absolutely no way to tell when it might become life threatening, hence you are given, and are to carry, an epipen at alll times.

About her husband. Not the allergy

Yes, agreed. But we can't go around diagnosing ourselves with things we've not been medically tested for and expecting other people to take us seriously based on nothing else other than our insistence. It wouldn't work with any other illness or condition requiring special treatment or extra vigilance, would it?

I've experienced lip tingling and slight swelling after eating both fresh tomatoes and very strong cheddar, more than once. But that is not my usual experience of eating either of those things, so I would not assume a serious allergy based on a couple of minor reactions or a one-off fairly minor experience. If it was bad enough to seriously concern me, or happened every single time I ate those things then I'd get tested.

She says she has always had a strong aversion to peanuts so has avoided them. Which suggests that she has always been allergic and has stayed away from them instinctively, not that she's newly developed an allergy. It's also not that rare to develop new allergies, and can be triggered by all sorts of things. Everything that she describes in her posts is strong evidence that she has a peanut allergy - powerful aversion, nausea at the smell, hives and swollen lips at slight contact with peanut butter. I don't think you can say 'we can't possibly know' until she gets tested when those are the symptoms!

I am sure you were joking about her eating peanuts in the waiting room but for those of us living with this kind of allergy in our families, it really isn't a joke. People die, sometimes even with epipens and prompt emergency treatment and it should always, always be taken extremely seriously.

She does need to be tested, because she needs to have medication prescribed in the event of exposure. Not to convince her stupid, abusive husband but for her own health.

I am not going to diagnose you online but please treat this seriously as an allergy, not an intolerance. Please please get private allergy testing done if you can, and then if it comes back that you are allergic, ask a friend to help you safely remove all of the peanut products from the house.

You husband sounds abusive, so please also when it is safe to do so get some support. 💐

That's nonsense. Millions of people have allergies, they don't all carry epipens.

My parents had an extremely violent and abusive relationship and sometimes I feel don’t know what is “normal” fighting and what crosses the line.

I feel so confused and conflicted about the relationship. When we’re good we’re so happy and such a good team it can stay like that weeks at a time.. that follows a really bad patch or a really nasty fight. I’m sometimes ready to leave then those good times remind me of why we’re together.

He has been physically intimidating a handful of times in the past. He’s never hit me, but he’s laid hands on me. The first time was when I was pregnant. After those occasions he’s really made an effort and we’ve had our strongest times together as parents, but there’s always a next time, be it weeks or months later. We never had any of these issues before our daughter, we had the strongest, healthiest relationship and it breaks my heart it’s gone this way because she brings us so much joy I don’t understand why he’s changed.