Why are so many men single

[Winter2028]

I know quite a few single men in their 30s. They all have jobs and their own properties. Their friend groups are also overwhelmingly single men; a single friend of mine who is a civil servant used to live in a houses where where all the men had similar jobs and all struggled to find girlfriends (the flatmates apparently railed a lot against 'feminazis'); another friend of mine (late 30s) socialises with a group of 6 friends where only 2 are in relationships (they are all nearly 40) and the rest are single not through choice.

This creates an impression that its hard to get a girlfriend and its because women have more choices and are more picky today (my friend don't think this is a bad thing but it also means they support things like government sponsored dating!) These men are probably not an anomaly as the rise of the far right is apparently correlated with the rise in single young men. However as a woman my impression is that many poor men are in relationships (my dh was a penniless graduate student when we married in our early 20s and his sisters also married men who were poor in their 30s; one of my SIL even had to share a hotel room with her MIL and baby and DH and she she is planning on having another baby with him). Sadly many abusive men are in relationships.

So what is the reason why so many men are not in relationship when women's expectations are hardly sky high. Is it lack of social opportunities (they do go on dates but my impression is the dates don't go anywhere). Is it lack of charisma (many uncharismatic men I know are also in relationships)?

I think it's easy to treat every man like that man who hurt you, just as it is for a man to treat every woman like that one who rejected him.

Rejecting someone is not the same as hurting them though. Women “reject” men for all sorts of reasons that aren’t personal. I’ve had men say some truly horrible, hurtful things to me when they’ve asked me out and I said no but I’ve been in the same relationship since I was young, the main reason I’m not interested is because I’m not single. It’s nothing to do with them and yet they took it personally.
When I was younger, I usually took the initiative and asked a boy out if I liked him or very clearly let them know I was interested. A few times it wasn’t reciprocated and it was disappointing and it hurt, but to be angry about it is not a natural or even logical reaction to rejection.

In my experience lots of men go for the high maintenance assertive and bossy woman. It’s so common for men to joke that they are under the thumb and for their DW or GF to boss them around. Maybe it’s the not needing them that puts them off.
But anyway there are some traits that really are unattractive like being mean or untrustworthy which is fair enough. But it’s stupid to change what drink you have at the pub in case a man doesn’t like that you drink it. Plenty of men won’t give a shit or will actually like it. Might as well hold out for one of them.

Yes, lots of men like bossy women because it means they can think less.

Thai wives a solution?

That's really strange you say that because it's usually the USA incel crowd that comes out with the "six foot/six figures " crap.

Can we bring back matchmaking?! I would like that. Let us 50 somethings set them all up. Dd2 had an adorable friend at primary Dh and I really liked him. Now they are 16 he is a mathlete and she is very cool but we live in hope!

I've never really been single though. I met DH when I was 22 and at the end of a previous relationship. I was looking forward to being footloose and fancy free and resisted a relationship with eventual DH for six months.

As a lifelong singleton, the one thing that intrigues me is that so few people of any personal significance have ever asked me why. Needless to say my bachelorhood is nobody's business but mine. And yet, my late parents never asked. My six older brothers and sisters have never asked. No work colleagues have ever asked. Maybe nobody really cares or they're minding their own business!

Cos we don't need 'em!

I think in recent years social skills have just plummeted. Everyone is on their phones. I also think men honestly don't understand how often they talk down to women; giving me unsolicited advice about how to walk my dog, park my car and where to park to park it. Also the subtle bullying which again they probably don't understand. In OLD I quite often get asked to move to WhatsApp early on but I always say I am not comfortable then 60 per cent will try to persuade me otherwise just ignoring my feelings. It just goes on. I really think manners and thoughtfulness are just rare.

That’s interesting. Why are you single? Obviously just ignore if you don’t want to answer. I don’t mean to cause any offence.

No offence taken. To answer your question in plain terms, I've been unlucky and unpopular and unattractive. Going more deeply, I'm fairly sure I'm saddled with Schizoid Personality Disorder - essentially this means I'm heavily introverted and short on empathy. In other words, my interactions with others are largely stunted and unsuccessful. I'm emotionally unavailable and I'm missing that spark that could kick start a meaningful connection between me and any other.

I'd rather they grew up and learned that women are individual autonomous human beings, not put on this earth to meet their fantasies. They need to interact to learn this.

As a case in point, there's a thread in 30 Days by a woman who is on her knees after her second child but her husband (who has plenty of spare time) refuses to acknowledge it. I feel immensely sorry for those who find themselves trapped, especially when the relationship was previously equal and, on top of the trenches of small children, they're horrified to see their partner's true colours.

I remember my ex promising me that we'd be completely equal if we had children, he'd make sure he stepped up, but he couldn't even be trusted to do his share of laundry! I still shiver at the thought of the bullet I dodged by walking away.