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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many men single

189 replies

Winter2028 · 12/12/2024 06:26

I know quite a few single men in their 30s. They all have jobs and their own properties. Their friend groups are also overwhelmingly single men; a single friend of mine who is a civil servant used to live in a houses where where all the men had similar jobs and all struggled to find girlfriends (the flatmates apparently railed a lot against 'feminazis'); another friend of mine (late 30s) socialises with a group of 6 friends where only 2 are in relationships (they are all nearly 40) and the rest are single not through choice.

This creates an impression that its hard to get a girlfriend and its because women have more choices and are more picky today (my friend don't think this is a bad thing but it also means they support things like government sponsored dating!) These men are probably not an anomaly as the rise of the far right is apparently correlated with the rise in single young men. However as a woman my impression is that many poor men are in relationships (my dh was a penniless graduate student when we married in our early 20s and his sisters also married men who were poor in their 30s; one of my SIL even had to share a hotel room with her MIL and baby and DH and she she is planning on having another baby with him). Sadly many abusive men are in relationships.

So what is the reason why so many men are not in relationship when women's expectations are hardly sky high. Is it lack of social opportunities (they do go on dates but my impression is the dates don't go anywhere). Is it lack of charisma (many uncharismatic men I know are also in relationships)?

OP posts:
ConnorM885 · 12/12/2024 07:15

Maybe those men just have higher standards

Winter2028 · 12/12/2024 07:16

CleanShirt · 12/12/2024 07:13

I'll bite.

Women don't owe anyone anything. They certainly don't owe some random man attention.

Why is this place so incel-y these days?

That's what I thought. Why are so many men giving off incel vibes.. i am 32 this year and when I was in my 20s most people I knew were in relationships or happily single.. it really wasn't a thing that many people struggled to find a partner and were so unhappy about it.

OP posts:
RingoJuice · 12/12/2024 07:21

It’s very simple. We don’t have to settle for subpar men anymore.

It just looks stark because, as it turns out, good men have always been few in number.

Gorgonemilezola · 12/12/2024 07:24

Son of a friend is a Tate disciple. He's an arrogant, misogynistic prick, ugly inside and out and surprised he can't get a beautiful girlfriend. Talks about feminazis, how women should be queueing up etc. His mother has tried to talk to him but he just shouts her down. Luckily, so far, no woman has been tempted but evidently a few of his mates have similar views. It's really worrying how many men think women were put on this earth to pleasure and please them. I would hate to be looking for a partner these days.
.

aurynne · 12/12/2024 07:24

Because a large proportion of men have nothing to offer to improve women's lives, and women are now more independent and have found out that they actually don't have to put up with one of these men. So they have understandably high standards, because when you're independent and happy by yourself you can afford to be choosy. So these men look back in time at their fathers and grandfathers, who mostly were sexist losers but still managed to get a wife and form a family they barely did anything for, and feel cheated in comparison.

Simple, really. Let them tantrum.

Spaceid · 12/12/2024 07:28

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions based on a very small and skewed sample size (these people are friends and tend to have similar outlooks).

It’s great that people have more respect for themselves and are less willing to compromise and put up with crap partners. Just have a look on here, men doing nothing in the household or childcare. People won’t put up with that anymore and can you blame them?

Honeycrisp · 12/12/2024 07:29

They'll have to have a realistic assessment of their level of attractiveness to women and not hold out for unicorn perfection.

Yup. A lot of this is about correctly identifying one's lane.

bifurCAT · 12/12/2024 07:30

Type in 'why men are not dating' etc into YouTube. Much of it is often spouted as incel stuff, but it basically goes like this: (generalisations):

Women are independent these days. No need for a man. Who wants to not be 'needed'.

Women these days are taught to hate men. Men are the root of all evil.

Promiscuity is rife. Who wants a woman with so much 'history' (competition).

Given all that promiscuity, who wants to risk raising a child that isn't theirs.

Independent 'boss babes' are argumentative, controlling, demanding...

Women still marry 'up', yet initiate 80% (often spouted) of the divorces. Strategic marriages for money.

The 'men just want bellies full, balls empty, and a peaceful life' line.

Many women still 'expect' the man to pay, yet have their own jobs. His money is my money, my money is my money.

So if you're supporting her, what do you get in return? Many women these days can't/won't even cook.

Sex is basically said to disappear after marriage. Why be tied down into something sexless.

What can a man get in a relationship that he can't get being single.

Men are being shamed while women are being supported. A fat man is ugly, a fat woman is 'rocking those curves' etc. Similarly, if a man gets fat during a relationship, he's lazy, but a woman can balloon after kids, never lose it, look nothing like the woman he married, and he's meant to be ok with it.

Workplace culture says it's 'safer' to avoid women all together. One 'safe' joke you could say with 99% of men, you can't say with 99% of women.

Similarly (MN is a great example), half of women HATE men approaching them, and many will actively shout down and berate men who try. "I'm 40 now and it's such a relief men aren't approaching me anymore" sorts of lines. The rest of the women are wondering why they no longer get attention. Why risk it.

The 90:10 rule. Due to OLD, women can be super selective. 90% of women are aiming for 10% of men. They will probably end up all sleeping with those 10%, because why would those 10% refuse sex with all those women. This gives those 'average' woman a hyper-inflated sense of self worth ("I once got a '10', clearly im a 10, I deserve 10s now!"). They all end up holding out for 10s, ending up bitter because those 10s are just after one thing and will no doubt have cheated on them OR theyll find their man and now have that feeling like they've 'settled' for average... even though they themselves are average. So what man wants to be the one they settle for.

Plus the MN double standards... In a sexless relstionship a man can't 'want' sex, he's a sex pest. If a woman does, she has a right to be happy. A man not wanting sex MUST be a porn addict/cheating. A woman deserves oral, but a man has no right to it.

The infographic attached. Who wants to risk that?

This is what's being spouted on the forums etc. It appears to be the general 'vibe' out there. It's not exactly conducive to relationships.

Why are so many men single
WinterFoxes · 12/12/2024 07:36

Sulking about independent women being feminazis probably doesn't help them. 🤔 They need to get out in the world and interact with women as individuals.

username299 · 12/12/2024 07:42

I would say that they're single because their expectations are too high and they aren't willing to compromise.

Also online dating has created a sweetshop mentality in some men and they can't settle on anyone.

If they wanted to be in a relationship and were realistic about their prospects, then they would be.

CleanShirt · 12/12/2024 07:44

WinterFoxes · 12/12/2024 07:36

Sulking about independent women being feminazis probably doesn't help them. 🤔 They need to get out in the world and interact with women as individuals.

I'd rather these "men" stayed home thanks.

Ginmonkeyagain · 12/12/2024 07:48

In a era where women have their own good jobs and property, men need to bring a bit more to the party. Also there is no social stigma for women in being single.

Gone are the days where simply being a man, even a shit one, made them a desirable commodity.

MaybeALittle · 12/12/2024 07:48

Because using the term ‘feminazi’ is an automatic ‘no’ to 99.0874% of the female population? Come on, OP. It’s not rocket science.

Gingerbread981 · 12/12/2024 07:57

I’m the opposite, I know so many single women. Who are happy being single. Most have tried online dating and not had much luck. Men don’t seem to be able to offer enough for us to be bothered with a relationship. Maybe this is why there are single men. Just more single people in general.

JeremiahBullfrog · 12/12/2024 07:58

Why are men who basically hate women and only really hang out with other men single? I can't imagine.

Most men in their thirties are not single. Even middle-class men. The reason this group stands out is because they've all clumped together due to their shared lifestyle, but they're still in a minority.

It is true that many working-class men do not struggle to get girlfriends in spite of obvious personality defects. But they mostly have young, working-class girlfriends many of whom sadly seem to have low standards. Stuck-up middle-class blokes aren't interested in dating these sorts of girls.

napody · 12/12/2024 07:59

Suzuki76 · 12/12/2024 07:12

I know one of these. He basically thinks his job and salary in Fintech and his expensive suits entitle him to no less than a supermodel. Trouble is we're now in our 40s so he's considerably less appealing to the 25 year olds he fancies...

This illustrates it- it's the attitude of a woman is another possession on a list of things to collect.

Feminism: the radical notion that women are people.

And @jeremiahbullfrog I don't think it's 'working class women have lower standards' - I actually see a lot more of the incelly behaviour above from middle class men. WC men tend to spend a lot less time online and more interacting with actual humans.

Edingril · 12/12/2024 07:59

Not everyone is desperate to be in a couple

echt · 12/12/2024 08:00

@Winter2028 .

It's not "so many men are single", it's just some blokes you know.

Try not to generalise from the particular.

Use some actual data and you might have a point.

MushMonster · 12/12/2024 08:02

The vast majority of men I know are in long term relationships. Same for females.
It may have something to do with the social circles we move in.
I had not even realised that there are more single men around than in the past.

Itiswhatitis80 · 12/12/2024 08:03

My brother is good looking civil servant but is boring as hell,that why he is single.

Itiswhatitis80 · 12/12/2024 08:03

That’s

hazelnutvanillalatte · 12/12/2024 08:06

My ex is single mid-30s. Lives in a house share with single male friends. They just don't want to commit and get serious - their girlfriends always do, and they end the relationships (what happened with us - lots of noises about settling down and marriage but it wasn't reality). They are happy focusing on their careers, friends, dating and personal lives.

SallyWD · 12/12/2024 08:10

The societal pressure for people to get married has almost disappeared. Most men can have sex without commitment. Some men are scared of settling down, having kids and all that responsibility. Life's easier as a single man. Some also fear losing everything in divorce.

MushMonster · 12/12/2024 08:11

Government sponsorded dating?
Now I heard it all.
No, thanks.

CurbsideProphet · 12/12/2024 08:11

Great post 🧐
I don't know any single men. Your friends must give off that unpleasant air of "I'm a man therefore women owe me" .

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