Why are so many men single

[Winter2028]

I know quite a few single men in their 30s. They all have jobs and their own properties. Their friend groups are also overwhelmingly single men; a single friend of mine who is a civil servant used to live in a houses where where all the men had similar jobs and all struggled to find girlfriends (the flatmates apparently railed a lot against 'feminazis'); another friend of mine (late 30s) socialises with a group of 6 friends where only 2 are in relationships (they are all nearly 40) and the rest are single not through choice.

This creates an impression that its hard to get a girlfriend and its because women have more choices and are more picky today (my friend don't think this is a bad thing but it also means they support things like government sponsored dating!) These men are probably not an anomaly as the rise of the far right is apparently correlated with the rise in single young men. However as a woman my impression is that many poor men are in relationships (my dh was a penniless graduate student when we married in our early 20s and his sisters also married men who were poor in their 30s; one of my SIL even had to share a hotel room with her MIL and baby and DH and she she is planning on having another baby with him). Sadly many abusive men are in relationships.

So what is the reason why so many men are not in relationship when women's expectations are hardly sky high. Is it lack of social opportunities (they do go on dates but my impression is the dates don't go anywhere). Is it lack of charisma (many uncharismatic men I know are also in relationships)?

Given that the population of earth is more or less split 50-50 between male and female, it reasons that for every single male there is a single female (we'll just ignore other sexual orientations for the sake of argument).

Therefore it implies that these men can't find girlfriends because they are inherently unlikeable. Your description makes them sound like 'alpha male frat-bro/incel' types. They maybe could have gotten away with that for a while in their early 20s, but are now in their late 30s/40s and confused why no-one likes them when the answer seems pretty obvious.

Bloody hell, would you like some toast with that giant cup of classism you're having for breakfast?

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/why-are-so-many-young-britons-single/

In America 60% of young men are single.

The men that you are describing are incels @Winter2028
I'm very glad to hear that they are unable to find women desperate enough to date them. If they want a relationship then they need to change the way they think about women, how they treat women and how they behave around women then they might have a chance of a relationship with a woman

Casual sex is on tap due to the apps.

The men talking about feminazis aren't my friends. It's just worrying that over the years they started to hang out more with people like that and talk about government sponsored dating and lament how hard it is to get a girlfriend co

Bad luck and patchy mental health are my excuses. It's painful sometimes but one has to accept shit happens and not everybody - man or woman - is dealt a winning hand.

So there is more lesbians?

The birth rate is falling because women know that it’s not their duty to have babies. The times where women were expected to find a husband and have children, meaning they had no income of their own or independence, has passed. Why wouldn’t women take the opportunity to have the same freedoms that men have had for a millennia (even when said men had children)?

This 100%

We don't live in Gilead.

My experience of dating is men want a mother and carer not an equal and independent partner.

Single men today act as if there’s never been single men before in the history of mankind.

I don’t think I know any single men in their 30’s or 40’s. Lots of single women that age.

It’s tough out there. I see it with older women friends dating. Their kids are grown up, they have money and their health. They want companionship, sex and an equal partner.

Some men are looking for a mother replacement, or have got to their 50s without being able to tidy up after themselves, remember their kids’ birthdays, or cook a delicious meal. Some also struggle to get it up due to age / porn.

Singapore. I was referring to the government sponsored dating there and both my parents went to uni there in the 80s (they did their masters in the uk though) .

Some people also went abroad (like my aunt and uncle) and that was higher than 1% . Right now for my generation (90s babies) it's 30% I think. It's a lot lower

For me I have been single for the best part of my late 30s and early 40s. A lot of the men I have met don't seem to have their shit together, even now in my current relationship. I'm the more career focused, I own my own house, I've been paying in to pensions for years and have recently started to invest in the stock market. My boyfriend doesn't seem fussed about any of those things - he is very kind and caring, he does a lot of me and my kids but isn't fazed by any of this. I don't worry about his finances because that is for him to sort, but I don't have any plans to live with him.

There’s still far too many women willing to accept bad behaviour if Mumsnet is to be believed. I found the thread on moody joy sucking partners really quite upsetting.

In my early 40s and the one single man on our friendship circle is divorced (sad story, not at all his fault). I do, on the other hand, know several very excellent single women my age who have been strung along by shitbag men who wasted their 30s.

Exactly this.

Can't really get beyond the 'feminazi' comment tbh. 🙄

As for the 'getting married is the be all and end all of life' - my DM is one of those. She just doesn't understand why my DD19 'hasn't got a boyfriend when she's so beautiful and lovely...' I'm tired of repeating the fact that 'she doesn't want one and that things have changed now mum!' but I do constantly repeat it. On a regular basis.

DS1 had problems before he was 30 finding a long term girlfriend. He is attractive and has a good job, had plenty of female friends and the occasional short term girlfriend. He is keen on a settled home life and having a family. My view was that most of the young women he met were really enjoying single life and were not ready to settle down. I suggested to him that as he entered his thirties this might change.
At 33 he started to have a lot of success with OLD and soon met someone very lovely, she is a little bit older than him. The biological clock explains a lot.

Age preferences are probably significant. You can reasonably generalise that women would seek a partner the same age as them or a bit older and that men would seek a partner the same age as them or a bit younger.

That means that a 21 year old man has a relatively small pool of potential partners (18-21 year olds tops) with a lot of competition for those partners. On the other hand a 21 year old woman has a relatively large pool of potential partners (probably 30-21 year olds) and rather weaker competition. Then layer on all the societal shifts other posters have mentioned and it's to be expected there'd be a lot of single young men in society.

That effect probably narrows and then flips as people mature, maybe like late 30s.

What about all the older single and divorced women desperate for a man?

There's loads of them!

I read half way through and agreed with many points made.

I'll add that it's a consequence of young men being more influenced by their peers now than parents, grandparents.
The generational family values and importance of partnering with someone is not getting to them like they did to someone of my age (for good, or for bad).
Many don't learn about valuing a partner from their mother, they learn about what to think about women from porn, online, and immature peers.

And on the other hand are young women who also are more influenced by other young women, rather than parents, etc. They want more (and often rightly so) from what their mothers generally had.

The link of previous generation influencing to promote togetherness is missing, so we just have two groups of each sex going different directions.

Men are single because women would rather be single than put up with their bull*t. Men expect women to put out 24/7, refuse to do any housework, childcare and expect their gf/wife to work whilst doing it all. There's also many many men who have swallowed the red pill and believe they are victims instead of changing their behaviours.

Yes that's the thing. I am in my 30s and lots of women have bad partners. We do not have high expectations.

Yes, I get that this is mainly about older men. But when I was young, it was sort of the norm by 22 to last have had a couple of short relationships by then (I was married, and I’m 43 so hardly ancient!).

So many of his peers haven’t even had casual relationships by now. I worry that this makes them the men of tomorrow being talked about on this thread as they have fuck all experience of relationships.

But by the same token, a lot of younger women don’t seem to want relationships and whilst I feel bad for my son who would like a relationship, there’s a huge part of me that’s fucking relieved that times have changed and girls don’t want to put some man before living their lives like so many people, including me did.

If I was to split from my husband, there is no way on this earth that I’d want another man in my life again.