Christmas present for racist relative or not?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present

How about a book - something like Renni Eddo Lodge's book which explores racism - or something more recent . The Penguin book list is quite good.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race

https://antiracistcumbria.org/anti-racist-reading-list/

https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/2020/05/racism-black-lives-matter-antiracist-reading-list-books

Don't buy her a present.

The gift is to your sons not you.

Perhaps let them choose a little something bland and sign the tag from them. They can make their own decision about the money when they're older.

What did she say?

And let your DH deal with it all.

Crikey! I’m a brave woman but this might be beyond me… 😱🤣

I think this is the way.

This is such a difficult one. Has she said anything since? Was her apology acknowledging her ignorance or more a sorry I upset you but..?

Without knowing the level of what she said, I think I would be able to buy the gift but it would probably just be generic and more from DH than me and just a take the high road but also pretty checked out gesture. I can be polite but guarded sort of thing. In a poc too with racist PIL, more othering conversations and casually using offensive terms due to ignorance than anything vehement, so I feel you. If the level was severe though I don’t know if I just wouldn’t see this person anymore/avoid her in group settings and I wouldn’t want my children around her. But again DH can take a gift because I can detach from that. It’s just a thing. And if she’s never going to change then it’s more about who else is affected if you are already detached if that makes sense? I might be waffling now but you are in no way wrong if you didn’t give anything and totally understand the money feels tainted and wrong now.

It was to do with the riots a while back - talk of swarms, don’t recognise my country etc. The usual.

She lives in about as white a part of Surrey you could get.

Let DH sort it using some of the money - just like £20 from the tainted money she gave your kids

Hopefully she's learned from her past behaviour. You've accepted her apology and moved on (rightly so with your guard up). I would buy her a gift from the boys for the sake of harmony and not because of the money she gives them.

Oh don’t do this. Better to give nothing.

It's your husband's relative that made the offensive remark so it's up to him to sort the problem out. Make it crystal clear that it's up to him and him alone to choosse and buy a Christmas presentfor this offending relative , and that you want nothing to do with the choosing and buying of said present.

Don't return the money she's given your sons over the years as to do so would cause unnecessary offence; put it in the bank and give to your sons when they reach 18.

@MiddleClassProblem

To be fair she did apologise (and fairly fulsomely) and thanked me for accepting her apology.

I just can’t help but see her differently. Normally I would just move along and not have anything to do with her but that’s obviously not possible here.

Definitely let your DH field it. It's his relative anyway. The money makes it uncomfortable, I see that, but I don't think I could bring myself to buy a nice gift for someone I knew was a racist.

A Nigel Farage t-shirt and mug.

Thank you.

I will ask DH to buy the gift and keep me out of it.

And don’t worry @Calliopespa I won’t buy her the book! It’s tempting but I won’t.

🤣🤣🤣

You told her that you accepted her apology. Therefore continue with the 'small gift from your children' tradition. Is it necessary to buy something or would a homemade craft from the children be more appropriate?

The money is for your children, so I would send a gift labelled from them. Something extremely generic but unable to cause offence like a big box of nice chocolates.
Very pointedly labelled from the children only.

....but if I was feeling facetious, maybe a card saying you've made a donation to the RNLI in her name 😈

Yes let the boys gift. It’s half way between getting over it and gifting yourself, and doing nothing. Don’t do the racism book: you’ve apologised and that just re-ignites it all.

I can understand how hurtful it must have been but we are complicated bundles as humans, and it’s possible - given she has apologised - that she genuinely regrets what she said. She clearly loves your boys to have given that sort of level of gift to them.

Sorry, we cross posed.

Im sorry you went through this. I once heard a friend talking when they didn’t know I could hear.It wasn’t even about me but I realised they weren’t quite who I thought they were. It’s really disturbing - and in your case also hurtful.

Just suggested this to DH and he spat his tea out 🤣

And attach the card to a model of a small boat. From the DC. Honest.

She apologised.
You accepted her apology.
end of.