Christmas present for racist relative or not?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present

I think the problem is her views are also about your sons.
I know a few racists and sadly have some in my family and your sons are definitely viewed as having "tainted" blood even if they look fully white.

It's just how it is. She hasn't said anything to them so, I'd still get her a present from them.

She probably just forgot you were mixed since you pass for 'other'.
You've forgiven her, it's Christmas.

I don't agree with posts saying buy gifts educating about racism, why is it always placed on the victim to educate or placate the idiot?

Your relative apologised and you accepted it.
You need to rise above letting this affect your relationship.
I agree with buying her a book about racism.
Seek counselling on how to move on if you are finding it hard..

Bloody hell.

Keep the money.

That post saying you'd be hypocrites, is just gaslighting you.
The money was not given to you or your husband but your kids. IF when they are older they want to give it back (if she's passed by then, then to her kids) that's for them to decide.

Do not give it back.

What's a book going to do exactly?

Buy her two Gammon steaks, and a St George's flag.

The fact that she reached out and apologised, plus the fact that you graciously accepted the apology, would suggest to me that’s it’s water under the bridge. So I would continue getting her a present from the children.

You never know, you challenging her behaviour may have caused her to re-evaluate her thoughts and beliefs. I truly believe people should be given a chance if they actively repent, apologise and try to change their behaviour, although I know a lot of people will disagree with this.

However, you are wise to keep your guard up. And if she makes any more inappropriate comments I would stop interacting and buying her presents. It would be up to her to ask for the money back or to tell you she will stop gifting the children money.

You say you've accepted her apology but clearly haven't.

She reached out and apologised, and you accepted. By all accounts, it sounds like it was a genuine apology.

What would you hope to achieve by dragging it back up now?

@Merryoldgoat She did something wrong, and apologised and her apology was accepted.

It too would change my view of her, but ultimately life is too short to live with animosity, you either reject an apology or accept it and move on. I'm all for choosing an easy and harmonious life.

Perhaps it was an education for her and she's learned from it, that's what I'd hope and I'd carry on as per usual. I.e. Is she a racist, or did she make a racist remark and has learned from it?

She sounds very generous to have gifted your children so much money and must hold your family in high regard.

In summary, I'd buy a gift, yes.

I agree with this.

How do you know she's racist? You sound racist yourself.

We should all have a problem when someone labels someone as racist and everyone believes it...even when they've met neither person

Me too.

Maybe it was a genuine mistake? And you haven't actually written exactly what her comment was word for word. I say this as a brown person but I feel we all think or say things that are a little bit racist to an extent.

instead of returning the money, you could tell her that she doesn't need to send money anymore. Then you don't need to buy her a present.

We have had a similar situation with family, though no direct apology. Deeply upsetting but we just would avoid as much as possible. Personally I wouldn’t keep the money but I appreciate the aftermath of returning it might be tiresome.

? Don't you find it rather difficult to respond sensibly on an anonymous Internet forum if you need to meet the poster and everyone involved in the post before you form an opinion? Fair enough, but it suggests Mumsnet really isn't for you.

Tell me though, if I looked at your responses on other threads, would I find the same objections?

A basket full of 'foreign food' the message won't be lost on her

What is "foreign food"?

No-one is telling her to get over it. What they are pointing out is that she accepted the apology. So now, acting as if there's been no apology, let alone what seemed to be a sincere and fulsome one, would be wrong, and lose OP the moral high ground.

Yes, she won't forget what was said, not should she, but as regards the money, it's now not hers to return. It was given directly into her children's accounts. It is theirs. It would be punishing her children for the relatives action .

Also, causing wider family upset (again, after having accepted an apology) would cause more problems than it solves, and family members who've been supportive, might become less so.

@saraclara

A previous poster literally told me to ‘get over it’.

I get the feeling that this thread isn't helping. Some posters are winding OP up instead of helping her since the problem (which was initially about whether to buy the relative a Christmas present).
Some suggestions are so inflammatory, but if course those making those suggestions won't have to pick up the pieces for OP when an action or gift that's perceived as spiteful, causes other family members to think OP is unreasonable and get involved.
Things are rarely as simple as we'd like them to be.

Sorry, I must have missed that.

I've been on here since it started. I don't have to answer your question. I just find the hypocrisy amusing. Calling someone racist is a big thing...people are commenting as if they're sure she is. Let's hope none of those people do jury service. Some people pose questions on here when they don't really want any advice. Pointless. Mind's made up.

No. 'most' old people do not make racist comments FFS.

You're not accepting of all races all your life and suddenly became racist when you hit 65.

You're either racist or you aren't.

Ageism is a horrid trait.

You know all the beautiful different cultured food this island has been blessed with as a result of migration from people they ( racists) don't want. I.e good old curry, polish biscuits, African styled dish. Anything - then ask her if she liked the dishes from your immigrant first / second whatever generation it is- neighbours recipe books.