Christmas present for racist relative or not?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present

My take the high road as a POC is not really about forgiving, it’s just about accepting situation but also not giving her an inch to make you the bad person here. You can absolutely hold her accountable and encourage her daughter and other family members who saw it to too. But don’t give her any other areas to make her self a victim. This happens all the time over the smallest things.

Hopefully she’s not someone you or the kids have to see often.

Did your husband support you as much as you would have liked on this? Feels like he should be writing to MN now , not you.

Yes - DH and PIL and other family members supported me and do not like her viewpoints. DH was willing to cut her out if I wanted to.

However, she is old, needs (practical) support for a variety of reasons, and they (not DH) were not willing to stop seeing her. To be clear I didn’t want or expect that either - just clarifying the situation regarding support.

Her daughter and granddaughter messaged me and told me they wished they were as brave and that they keep quiet as she can be so vile - this is obviously not a side of her I’ve seen - the comments that precipitated the falling out were the first I’ve heard or heard of. I would not be surprised if she’d been ‘reminded’ to be more moderated when I’m around as I’m a brown person.

Thank you everyone - this has been helpful. I appreciate all viewpoints, even the ones which are unpleasant about me.

DH will sort a gift and I’ll see how Christmas goes. It’s the first time I’ll see her since.

I suppose it’s all just made me feel very sad.

What is there to end? Who is being punished? This isn't a huge drama and doesn't require a grand reconciliation. Encountering racism is a very common experience for POC and while accepting the apology and being civil is sometimes necessary, a racist person is simply never going to be someone I will feel comfortable around or want to get close to. That does not constitute punishing them.

Thank you @gannett

This is a good summary of how I feel.

I understand where you’re coming from and PPs saying you need to move along, don’t know why you won’t accept the apology etc ( and the phrase ‘faux pas’ as if that’s all she’s done - a minor transgression of politeness!??) clearly have very little understanding of intergenerational trauma and what attitudes like hers trigger in a person.

I totally get your quandary. I think whatever you do, think of how you will explain it to your boys because they (and you) are the important people here. So ‘I gave the money back and stopped buying her gifts in our family we have no tolerance for that kind of racist bullshit’ would sound fine to me. It’s your life, your family though and I get that it would cause rifts so I can see why you’re asking because things are never easy in real life.

She doesn’t need to be your bff.
It’s just a Christmas present.
probably best to let husband deal with it.

She made a racist comment and apologised. It doesn’t mean she is a raving racist; it may simply mean she is a flawed human being who has hopefully learned from the experience you describe and is working on her unconscious biases. She clearly loves your children and if she were truly racist she wouldn’t be so generous with her money. She hasn’t ‘shown her true colours’ as it was a one off comment, probably thoughtless and coming form a place of ignorance, not an escalation of racially motivated bad behaviour (as far as I can see from your post). The fact that you are holding the one incident against her indicates that you have NOT actually moved past it at all - so maybe you need to have a coffee and chat and explain that it still smarts?

I’d leave the money she has provided your children alone - it’s not actually yours to return - and if they go to college or need a deposit for a flat one day, it will be there for them. And, yes, I’d buy her a token gift. in your shoes, I’d model taking the higher ground.

I am from a multi-faith, mixed race family, so do understand being on the receiving end of thoughtless, ‘racist’ comments - but I also see/hear people making similarly thoughtless misogynistic or homophobic comments, usually to garner a laugh, and find people tend to sit up and apologise when you gently highlight what they’ve done/said. I’ve also seen an aunt (by marriage) mourn for her father after he was stabbed and died after a racially motivated attack by white youths, so feel proportionality is important. It was a one-off comment for which she apologised. Few people are knowingly, intentionally or hatefully racist/sexist/homophobic but many have unconsciously absorbed attitudes that they are quick to shed when alerted to them, especially if they are older, less educated or worldly wise.

She can’t be that racist if she’s giving your mixed race kids tonnes of money. Actions speak louder than words

Most old people make offhand remarks about this people that people whatever.

The thing is, to them, younger people act all too similar to the military police by reporting them for the wrong speech..

Why? It’s for the children and the aunt obviously wants to gift them otherwise she wouldn’t be doing it. As I said, the children have to put up with a racist aunt as it is, why should they also forgo their gifts?

Ffs.

Few people are knowingly, intentionally or hatefully racist/sexist/homophobic but many have unconsciously absorbed attitudes that they are quick to shed when alerted to them, especially if they are older, less educated or worldly wise.

This is very naive. In my experience alerting someone that they've said or done something bigoted just leads to defensiveness, caveats along the lines of "oh but you're different" and tirades about "wokeness" and "you can't say anything any more" (damn straight you can't say anything bigoted around me).

"Get over yourself "????

How utterly rude. Racism is repugnant. It's not something one just moves on from.

I'm impressed with your self-control, OP.

No gift. Let the kids make her a card.

I don't think I could keep the money regardless of what PIL want. The rift wouldn't be of your making, but hers.

Most old people make offhand remarks about this people that people whatever

No they fucking don’t. I’m really sick of this bollocks.

I’m 46. When I was growing up these ‘old people’ were in their 20s and 30s - it was well known THEN that racism and using offensive and derogatory words were unacceptable.

They knew then, they know now.

This thread though has confirmed that a lot of people really don’t think it’s that big of a deal to be subjected to racism.

Yes, @Merryoldgoat you are correct.

I'm stunned by so many people here telling you to "get over it." And by how many are basically willing to sell their integrity for a measly £10k.

We don't have the content of the supposed racism nor her side of the story. If you were that bothered surely you wouldn't take the money from a racist as you've labelled her. I'd be more worried about the children missing out, both on gifts and a relationship. You have to make your own mind up on this one.

I don't think you have to give her a present, OP. I think if you're keeping the money your DH should acknowledge it and thank her but I don’t think that means you have to buy her a gift or pretend you haven't seen her racism.
I agree that age is no excuse.

Honestly she's in been your life for years , loves your boys and has been really generous to them. Is this the only time she's made a comment ? If so it seems very unfair to judge her on one comment over a 20 year relationship for which she sincerely apologised for and that you pretended to accept.

I wouldn't be remotely bothered about children missing out on a relationship with a racist. (Nor would I be bothered about taking her money and not reciprocating.)

She apologised. You accepted.

Did you not really accept? Don't you believe her? Why haven't you moved on?

The money isn't yours to return. It belongs to your sons.

Really tricky one, but returning money that’s been gifted to your children is quite different from returning a gift to you.

Gift of a novel by a woman of colour? The Vanishing Act for example 🙂

I think accepting an apology is different from forgiveness. The first means you can proceed with a civil relationship with the person. The second is deeper.

I agree with this^
You said that her remark was not exactly out of character for her circumstances but her apology was. So maybe it’s as positive sign.

You shouldn’t put your heart and soul into finding a present. Your DH can do it.

Supposed racism? Do you think the OP has a problem with recognising racism when she hears it? Is this a problem you have?

I think I love you - great post