Christmas present for racist relative or not?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m in a bit of a quandary.

We have a WhatsApp group with DH’s wider family. Most are lovely - we’ve been together 20 years so I’m not a newbie.

I am mixed black/white but look European (people often think I’m Greek or Spanish) but DH’s family are all aware of my heritage.

A while back one of DH’s relatives made a racist post in the group. I challenged her, we had a fairly spicy exchange and I told her how much less of her I thought and left the group.

Several family members messaged me in support, and she herself messaged me to apologise.

I’m not looking to cause rifts - I can look after myself and will challenge any unpleasantness as required - so accepted her apology and moved past it. She’s shown her true colours and now I am wary but I don’t have to see her so can avoid conflict. I was added back to the group and I have not posted there since but all seems fine.

The dilemma: she gives my two boys money in their savings every month - it’s totalled around £10,000 over the years. I always buy a Christmas gift for her from the boys but I don’t want to - I feel quite hurt that her true opinion about me and people like me has been revealed.

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

TLDR: do I have to buy the racist a gift from my kids given I take her money.

YABU - buy her a present
YANBU - don’t buy her a present

Well maybe she has taken it on board and opened her eyes a bit? I think when someone lives in a bubble they can be fed a narrative much more easily than people who don’t and it can be the only narrative they see/hear. She may not have even considered her words offensive so to hear from someone not in that bubble say actually you’re missing all this part of the story might have been a massive nudge in popping that bubble.

Not the same thing but there was a series of celeb big brother with Courtney Act, John Barnes and Ann Widecombe. Courtney/Shane had some amazing conversations with Ann about her homophobia in a very open way. And John discussed his racial abuse similarly. Maybe this is just the beginning of those discussions for her? Not that you have to be her teacher but maybe even with other members of your family.

I think you’re not unreasonable to be cautious but also just be aware of her ability to grow. It’s sounds pretty fresh so it might take a while/years for you to feel any other way of at all. It might be that she’s completely reverted back but if the apology was decent, at least there is acknowledgment and willing.

Why do I type so much!?!

Is it possible that the situation has made her question and alter her beliefs in any way?

Brilliant!

Difficult.

On the one hand, if someone was going to give my kids 10 grand, I’d let them say whatever they wanted to me, however derogatory it was. So I do think that’s a major complicating factor.

I’m wondering if this is a grandparent / what the age is and if there is any “excuse” in her upbringing or background for what was said.

Is it her true opinion now or has she really changed her opinion since the comment and apology? Essentially is she re-educated and genuinely sorry, remorseful and understanding of what’s happened?

Your boys are 1/4 black and she clearly thinks very highly of them.

Does this relative have form for other bad behaviour?

again, difficult.

My guess is that’s unlikely but I don’t know.

I am absolutely certain that she’s embarrassed and angry I confronted the issue because none of them would ever do that - she doesn’t like to be challenged and isn’t used to it. She’s quite fierce. However she’s nothing compared with the women who raised me and I am not easily quieted.

However their family like the veneer of harmony and discord would be very undesirable.

DH and her daughter were shocked she apologised - not her usual MO.

Given this, I'd forgive (but not forget) and carry on as previously (i.e., give and accept gifts). Maybe this confrontation has enlightened or shifted her perspective, and hence has been a good thing. I'd give the benefit of doubt at this point, but if anything similar happens again, pull the plug.

@Ja428

not a grandparent - PIL are absolutely wonderful. She is old though and difficult and strident.

Zero excuse. Well travelled, wealthy, lived abroad in Africa for a number of years.

She does love my boys. But they ARE part black and the older would be very confused hear comments like that and very hurt (obviously he doesn’t know about the incident).

I don’t see the point of accepting an apology if you really aren’t going to let it go.

Sounds like she really cares about your children to save that much for them.

There was an opportunity to discuss the issue when she apologised but you didn’t.

I don’t think it’s healthy or fair to reverse an apology acceptance.

Oh god I'd have been so tempted to get her the Reni E-L book. If her apology was genuine she wouldn't be offended!

Failing that I would absolutely get her something connected to refugees and immigration. This recipe book, for example (he's a Syrian refugee who opened an excellent restaurant in London): https://www.nigella.com/cookbook-corner/imads-syrian-kitchen-by-imad-alarnab

Or the recipe calendar or merch from the Refugee Community Kitchen: https://refugeecommunitykitchen.org/shop

Or a cookery class with a refugee: https://www.migrateful.org/

There are plenty more initiatives, cookbooks etc like those, and I'm sure lots in the way of arts and crafts as well.

Stop accepting her money since you disapprove so much. Put your money where your mouth is, literally.

Get something much more subtle than the Reni E-L book. A copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.

I’m not sure that’s very subtle - it’s littered with the n word

https://www.goodgifts.org/prize-bull-semen-1

I bought my sister this. It’s a charity gift but I’m sure you can see from the link what it is…. £15 and it benefits farmers in Africa. What could be wrong with that?

You accepted her apology and, by all accounts from your family, an apology from her is unheard of, so maybe she was appalled at her own faux-pas and genuinely contrite. Perhaps on that basis, you could put this on the back burner for the sake of family harmony, and continue with gifts. Althoughmaybe you would feel it would be more appropriate if your DH arranges it.

Oh and by the way, the RNLI does a great line in charity Christmas cards. Maybe next year...

Christmas is supposed to be about charity and goodwill . Maybe you could be the bigger person and accept her apology ?

I'm not so sure about that. I'm all for relieving unpleasant people of their money.

She wanted to return the money, DH and family want to the sons to keep it. Not because of the sons but because it will cause a family rift. Hardly OP’s fault

DH and I wanted to return all the money (it’s untouched) but DH’s dad asked us not to - he said it would create a massive rift.

I feel like a hypocrite keeping her money and continuing to receive it but it’s DH’s family and I’ve ceded the decision to him.

He's already made the decision, you said he wants to return the money?

You'd both be massive hypocrites if you kept it.

It has fuck all to do with his dad but if he's willing to use his dad as an excuse to keep it, I'd have trouble looking your DH in the eye ever again.

But money talks it would seem 🤷‍♀️

I’m really not interested in being the bigger person.

I have accepted her apology in that there is no discord, I will attend events where she is and be pleasant etc.

But a black person shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re being petty for not just shoving the hurtful comments out of their mind and acting like all is fine.

What rankles is that I can’t just shut the door on her. That’s what I generally do. No drama - I just move along.

How about a lovely box of English Tea?

An entirely valid viewpoint.

She apologised, you accepted it, move on. Why should your kids lose £10k because you’re hanging onto resentment - she’s apologised? Get over yourself, do the bare minimum gift and forget about it,

As above. Why are you questioning this if you accepted her apology and she thanked you for accepting her apology.
You say she has been in your life for 20 years and she loves your sons, also gifting them quite a substantial sum for their future. She made a mistake, cam you not move on?

All of that.

She apologised fulsomely, to everyone's astonishment. To me, that signifies that she had some understanding of why what she said was wrong.

She made that step, you forgave her. If that step that she made is going to lead anywhere positive, you need to accept it fully. If you or your husband retaliate in any way at this point, you will undo that progress that she made.

You apologised, she's generous to your sons. Let it go.

Present on behalf of the children. If one were to be making a point, something that means something to you that could educate her about your heritage or something you are proud of. I don't know your dynamics with your heritage though so don't want to overstep.

There are people who have disrespected me the past year (not racism but xenophobia) and I keep the peace for my children's sake who go to school in an eu country. In the sense when they say good morning, I sometimes say good morning back, or if in a bad mood I say "no thank you" in their language. Sometimes, unfairly so, it's better to keep the peace but literally mind your business. Am I mad? Yes. Do I hold a grudge? 100%. Did I tell them about themselves? You bet. Am I alienated and left to my own devices? 97% of the time. Do I bite my tongue? Until it bleeds. Why? For the sake of the kids.