To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

Most of the locations are nationwide with that voucher.

Also this, to order numerous cocktails knowing you had a voucher in your pocket to cover yours seems a bit off. It sets you apart from the group that you want to be a part of.

This is mad. It's like saying "Knowing you had cash in your pocket..."
It was op's voucher! The equivalent of a cash bonus from work.

Lesson learned though op. Enough people think like this that makes it sensible to just go with it, if you want them to be friendly with you. And don't bring a voucher with you next time!

I'm all for not entertaining a CF and certainly not for being a pushover to 'keep the peace'. But in this instance it was an easy mistake to make and the right thing to do was share the voucher.

That said, I woudn't be too eager to view your child's school as an opportunity for making friends, or to consider these people as such. If real friendships happen organically then that's different, but these are acquaintances whose kids happen to be at the same school. Don't be too eager to push for acceptance - sometimes people sense this and it isn't necessarily respected - and also bear in mind that your child will make their own friends regardless of who you chat to at the gate.

I often find the periphery a safer, less demanding and more comfortable place to be. No harm done, but I'd proceed with just a bit of caution and a healthy distance.

I think in that situation the voucher would have stayed safe in my handbag.
Personally I wouldn’t expect someone to cover me using a present but if we were very good friends (not the case here) you would probably do so as with most things, sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind.
I do hate the whole “let’s split” when it leaves someone as a disadvantage, but yes I think next time, keep quiet and see what happens.
The good news is if they are users, you will soon find out-they will show their true colours soon enough.
Don’t let the want of friends mean you get taken advantage of. We have all been there, but it’s not a nice place to be.

Fingers crossed, OP?! Come on now. Perhaps try to broaden your horizons a bit - or be a bit less desperate. Did you actually like any of these women or do you just want to fit in? You do know that if this is an equal friendship you could just ask them for coffee rather than acting like a hopeful puppy after another invite…

I’d have kept the voucher for a meal with family or a close friend and just used the discount but I think you’d have looked a bit off not sharing the voucher so I do agree with the way it was done.

I think they maybe didn't understand thst the voucher was yours only, the equivalent of cash.They don't know the system so probably without thinking it through properly thought that it was in the same bracket as the discount.

If I had this type of voucher I probably wouldn't use it in these circumstances as its easy for others to get confused. So that's for the future.

I understand how hard it is to make friends in a new area. It's taken me 6 years to make 2 friends, and one of them has moved away!

Yep, they must have thought Christmas had come early with you and your discount. I bet they wouldn’t have invited you if you hadn’t mentioned anything about working there or a voucher.
They definitely don’t sound worth buying a new outfit for.
I’d cool it towards them - try to find genuine friends rather than a clique who probably look down on you.

I can hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm music playing in my head. I'd have kept the voucher for another time. I think it probably did just look like you were sharing it.

Don't be disheartened about not having parent friends together - for us the summer term of Reception is where it started coming together. If there's a park near school try and encourage a few people to go there after school.

The maths and the voucher aside: you sound lovely, OP, but it also sounds like you are putting enormous pressure on yourself to make lifelong friends which might make you come over as a little intense. It was kind of the mums to invite you but if the invitation came after they learned of your generous staff discount please keep your eyes open to the possibility of cheeky fuckery on their part. Volunteering for the PTA was a good idea but don't put all of your friendship eggs in this basket. You will meet other people as your daughter joins activities; I made one of my closest friends through chatting during our DC's swimming lessons.

Sounds like people had had a few drinks by the time the voucher came out so might've been cheekier than usual, less inhibited. I think you did the right thing anyway and hope it works out for you hanging with them in future. However I think it's very optimistic to join a school in October and be disappointed not to have made more friends within a few weeks. Your mom's experience is not standard for many parents, who just want to pick up and drop of their DC and make their friends through work and other pursuits with more in common than having kids at the same school. There's no shame in being alone in a playground and it's no reflection on your ability to make friends. As I say, this group may work out for you, but I'd cast your next wider and not expect too much too soon. The school is really for your DD to forge friendships.

I 100% guarantee you can find nicer friends than these. Remind yourself that genuine connection with decent people is better than making it into the cool gang.

Keep looking around the playground and don't bother with this lot again.

Why though? Imagine two people go for dinner at £50 each. One has a voucher for £40 that she was going use but the other person insists it's used to split. She now only pays £30 for her meal, but the person with the voucher has spent £70! How is that fair? This is the exact same only spread around more people.

I'd be pleased with the new friendships but I'd try to meet next time on a level playing field. You don't want to set a precedence for you always being so generous.

This. It was a cash equivalent, not a discount and it was personal to OP, so as well as providing the 33% discount, which has no financial impact on OP, she has effectively subsidised them an extra £10 each out of her own pocket and paid for her own meal on top of that.

I’d recommend you watch Motherland. It’s available on Netflix. Any parent who has primary school children will know why I’ve mentioned it!😆

Oh it’s so awks! I would never do what they did - the voucher was obviously your money and it should have been up to you to decide if you share.
in your circumstance I wouldn’t raise it- but I wouldn’t be relying on these women to become my friends either. Perhaps cast your net beyond the school gates for friends - society has changed a lot since your mum made her friends at the school gates - just because you’re all mums doesn’t mean you share the same values and have the same interests beyond being mums.

If I had a voucher and was with close friends I'd automatically share; but in this case they were cheeky especially after you got the discount, however I'd have done the same as you did.

But lesson learned to not use a voucher if you go out with them again!

Cheeky as all hell for them to insist you shared your voucher. It's basically the equivalent of you using cash to pay for your share. It was something you earnt, they had no right to benefit from it, and they had already benefited from you having a decent discount in any case. What I wonder is whether you had told them about this discount ahead of time, and they were (unfortunately) using you for that, rather than it being a genuine invite.

But... that aside you do also come across as bit overinvested in this whole thing re: making friends etc. When you find your group it should just feel natural and comfortable, and it's best not to overthink it. Just see how the relationships develop, without this slightly intense approach to it all.

I think the discount should have been shared. Definitely choose a different chain next time so they can't use you for a discount.

Just take it slowly OP as you don’t know if they’re genuinely a nice group of mums or only want you for your very generous food & beverage discounts. The fact they grabbed your £50 voucher after already receiving a massive discount suggests they’re not actually very nice at all!

See if they happily include you in other activities and get togethers that don’t involve meals out. Don’t offer any discounts for at least the next 3 drinks occasions and see if anyone comments.

Do you invite the friends of your DC to play dates at yours? This is often a good way to get to know other mums. I’m friendly with a couple of mums from DC’s primary school but mostly regarding texting about school matters. We don’t meet up socially.

My proper friends are mostly nothing to do with school matters but related to hobbies and interests I’m involved with.

I have a horrible feeling, OP, that if you had mentioned that you worked at Harrods/insert name of desirable place to shop (I'm clueless!)and what a generous staff discount you get, you would have found them suggesting you all meet there for coffee, then suggesting a wander round the store to do some Christmas shopping and "Oh, how much discount did you say you get.....?". Please be circumspect about this. And take your time. Friends will come at some point and they'll be people who are interested in you and not in your usefulness to them.

I didn't understand when reading your post that the voucher was a reward from your work, I thought you meant it was a freebie from work - so maybe that's what they thought too?

I had to look it up online as I didn't understand why everyone was saying they were CFs 😆

They are CF's.
Just be aware of it.
That was really rude after they got the 33% reduction.
Be wary.

I’d think someone was tight if they got out a voucher and used it only on themselves. It wouldn’t occur to me to get one out in that setting and not offer it for general use.

Are you sure they didn’t misunderstand and thought you were offering?