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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
NoBinturongsHereMate · 12/12/2024 08:39
Working Out GIF

She doesn't mean 'showing off her lunges' like this.

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 08:40

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 08:16

Are you trying to bully me off the thread?

No I'm suggesting that your lack of comprehension means that you're adding little of value.

SharpOpalNewt · 12/12/2024 08:42

I would definitely complain to the gym owner that this woman is intimidating and harassing you when you are just trying to get on with a workout. They could easily bar her for breach of ts and cs .

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 08:45

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 08:40

No I'm suggesting that your lack of comprehension means that you're adding little of value.

Well, I feel intimidated by you, which by op's definition means that this is a case of bullying.

LoafofSellotape · 12/12/2024 08:46

miliop · 11/12/2024 16:52

So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

Well, you're acting like a frightened victim. Next time you see her, look her in the eye and say 'morning'. People like this, you're better off handling confidently. She isn't going to kick your head in, she's just a bit full of herself.

I'd do the same, kill her with kindness. Smile and say hello and get on with your work out.

sussexman · 12/12/2024 08:46

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 08:28

I don't get the faffing over the semantics of whether it's bullying or intimidation..
I've clearly said it feels like the start of being picked as a victim, that she singles me out.
When threads go like this, I often imagine is the poster like this in real life, like in the staff room at work . Someone says something and they fixate on the semantics, or the minute detail so they fully understand , or is this something they only do on the internet

In real life, if you wanted something done about it, then you absolutely would record the specifics to enable you to make a complaint. What was said or done would be key.

I'm afraid I would probably leave the gym giving the behaviour as my reason.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 08:49

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 16:06

Just because no matter how much I stay under her radar she will find me out and engage in quite rough and aggressive stuff

Personally I would stop going to the gym. Because no other solution offered seems to work for you.

MsMartini · 12/12/2024 08:50

This behaviour is unacceptable. It is particularly important in gyms that people respect the personal space of others and that there are no implied threats, for obvious reasons. I've been in multiple gyms and this behaviour would be unacceptable everywhere. Everyone should be polite and follow the rules but that's it - no requirement to say hello, or be friendly, and many people go to the gym to have time in their own headspace (I am not one of them, and do make friends at the gym, so I've seen that side of it too). Fake lunges towards someone, and hassling them for responses, is definitely not OK, nor is the locker comment. She may be socially inept or she may be trying to intimidate/make people uncomfortable but it doesn't really matter IMO. Her behaviour crosses a line and everyone else has the right to go about their perfectly normal gym routine without all this.

I would ask the others you know feel the same if they are willing to complain as well and then do so. Stick to simple facts.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/12/2024 08:51

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:37

I don't think it's racist, when someone names tropes commonly associated with a particular group, to infer that is whom op is talking about. The op's actual reference is (deliberately?) obscure. Whether or not that's intentional it would be disingenuous for people to pretend they hadn't made the connection. I know that I did.

The OP didn’t mention Traveller. Didn’t even hint at it - just quoted what the woman had said and left a blank so as not to be outing. And immediately - right from the first post, people connected the behaviour described with Traveller. OP didn’t make that connection, other posters did. If it’s not racism, then at the very least it’s unconscious bias and before yelling ‘racist’ and derailing a thread posted for entirely different reasons, they should be looking at what led them to fill in that blank in the way they did. Not least because it turns out they were wrong. Her reference may have been obscure and clumsily executed, but the racism here isn’t on the OP. It’s on those who allowed themselves to be guided by their unconscious bias and the need to virtue signal at all costs,

Dollychopsporkchops · 12/12/2024 08:51

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HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 08:52

sussexman · 12/12/2024 08:46

In real life, if you wanted something done about it, then you absolutely would record the specifics to enable you to make a complaint. What was said or done would be key.

I'm afraid I would probably leave the gym giving the behaviour as my reason.

I also speak from experience. When I've dealt with cases of bullying the person being bullied has to keep a record of the specifics otherwise they're not going to get anywhere. it isn't about semantics.

Changingname1988 · 12/12/2024 08:53

“I’m a Taylor/Garfield/Smith/any other surname” Surely most people have come across members of notorious local (non-traveller!) families before? If not, this makes me feel more working class on mumsnet than any discussion of six-figure DHs or private school!

One of my friends is from such a family, she has a normal life, job and friendly nature but if she comes up against any bloke being a dickhead or trying to intimidate her she just has to mention her surname and they scuttle off apologising.

Op, this woman is an arse but I’d say to kill with confident kindness.

browneyes77 · 12/12/2024 08:53

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MumblesParty · 12/12/2024 08:55

Wonderi · 12/12/2024 06:53

I don’t understand why posters are being so obtuse.

Perhaps if you’d written that a man was acting in an intimidating way, then you would get loads of supportive replies.

If there was a male member who was going through your locker or getting in your personal space, you wouldn’t have such rude replies.

The issue here is that her behaviour is quite low level, which is often worse because there’s less you can do about it.

This is so true! OP if you’d said it was a man, every single reply would have been sympathetic and supportive.

notacooldad · 12/12/2024 08:55

Act like you don't give two fucks about her.
Don't even act. Just do t give a fuck about her.

She'll say things like "ooh who rattled your cage, doesn't cost anything to be friendly "
I probably would deal with this by having a big smile and say 'Morning, you alright' ( in my charming northern manner) and pop my airbuds in and leave it at that. What else can she do. If poss I would go to the gym already changed, just do my routine and go.
If she tries to have a convo while you're working out I'd say, ' I'll catch up with you in a bit, I'm just in the middle of my sets

Rosscameasdoody · 12/12/2024 09:07

oakleaffy · Today 07:05

ShilohTikva · Yesterday 15:50
"Bare knuckle boxing"
"All protect each other"
"I'm not nicking"
Any other stereotypes to fit in?

“Is that your dog, missus?” - if the person has a fit Lurcher

This deeply unpleasant exchange says much more about you two, than it does about the OP.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 09:12

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 08:37

@Soniastrumpet1984, you have posted in AIBU, so posters have quite reasonably assumed that you are asking whether or not you are being unreasonable to feel that she is bullying you. And because you are being vague about exact things she has said to you, they are asking questions to clarify so they can answer the question of whether or not you are being unreasonable.

You are actually asking for tips to handle this woman, so you shouldn't have posted in AIBU in the first place. You can ask for MNHQ to move this thread to Chat.

No, it's perfectly acceptable to post in AIBU

Also people do not need absolute specifics to offer general help in this area

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 09:14

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 12/12/2024 08:34

Could you bear to kill it with kindness? She does sound a bit unhinged but it all sounds rooted in attention seeking and poor social skills.

I had a neighbour who seemed to want to intimate me and clearly, for reasons I didn't understand, had a narrative in her head that I was unfriendly. It helped to meet her head on so calling out "Hi Sheila" even when she was far enough away that I could have pretended not to see her, flashing my lights and waving if I was driving.

Could you greet her first? Could you shrink back in exaggerated horror if she lunges at you? "No, no don't hit me. I know you're from Portsmouth, I'm not hard enough". Could you say something encouraging while she's working out "looking strong Sheila?" "I don't think I'll ever get as strong as you, you really put the work in".

I think it's getting under her skin that you don't pay her attention and she senses your discomfort. I know you don't want to get involved in conversations with her but you might be able to hold her off with a bunch of cheerful remarks which don't get you drawn in but which stop her being able to file you in her head as standoffish.

I think I could definitely try this and it might work!

OP posts:
ThatRareUmberJoker · 12/12/2024 09:15

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 06:48

She’s asking what the hectoring involves quite obviously because the OP hasn’t actually given any examples.

She did if you read her posts she does give an example.

Webbb · 12/12/2024 09:16

Could you greet her first? Could you shrink back in exaggerated horror if she lunges at you? "No, no don't hit me. I know you're from Portsmouth, I'm not hard enough". Could you say something encouraging while she's working out "looking strong Sheila?" "I don't think I'll ever get as strong as you, you really put the work in".

This is great advice, as is the confidentially saying hello and not acting like a victim in any way (even though you feel it).

Good luck- and ignore the horrible replies. I get you!

Alondra · 12/12/2024 09:18

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 08:28

I don't get the faffing over the semantics of whether it's bullying or intimidation..
I've clearly said it feels like the start of being picked as a victim, that she singles me out.
When threads go like this, I often imagine is the poster like this in real life, like in the staff room at work . Someone says something and they fixate on the semantics, or the minute detail so they fully understand , or is this something they only do on the internet

It's bullying and intimidation but you can't let her get to you. You have to change your attitude and push back. Otherwise she'll always be in your face.

If she's trying to engage you, say nothing, look at her straight in her eyes and put your headphones on. Do your stuff in the gym. If she follows you, bullying you, get your phone and start recording her without saying a word.

What is she going to do? Get physical? If she does, you contact the police right then and there, saying you are being assaulted.

Bullies feed on people who are afraid of them. Don't be afraid. The gym is a public place and she's not an idiot. She'll know when to back off.

MatildaTheCat · 12/12/2024 09:20

@Soniastrumpet1984 many gyms have similar types of members who decide to ‘own the place’. I do think it’s worth discussing with the management because it’s very highly unlikely that you are the only member to be made uncomfortable by this woman and she only pays one membership fee.

In the meantime just smile, say ‘morning, got to listen to this for work, sorry’ pop in your earbuds and get going. Don’t stop using the showers etc, that’s just silly.

Bonsaitree7 · 12/12/2024 09:20

Sorry OP, I was chuckling a bit as I was imagining a hard as nails, big, beefy Miss Trunchbull or Mandy from This Country type. I have this mental image of her throwing her weight around, thudding her way around the gym. Woe betide you if you encounter her with her truncheon!

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2024 09:22

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:53

"I had a work employee scream at me and throw a tantrum, a very angry woman"

See, THIS is bullying - an extreme example of it. I hope she got a warning for doing that.

Yes - extreme

Just because the OP is experiencing lower levels doesn't make the situation less difficult

Jabbabong · 12/12/2024 09:23

Pretend to be crazy. People do not know how to deal with that. If she engages you in conversation start completely still and dart your eyes all over the place whilst asking her about her favourite type of potato, if she changes the topic keep coming back to it until she gives an answer or walks off. Do it politely and in a non aggressive tone.

Generally act weird and start talking to the air conditioning whist pretending to be in a daze. Then put your headphones back on.

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