Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

[Soniastrumpet1984]

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

I wonder if she is used to people judging her. She sounds like she possibly has adhd. I would be extra nice but keep her at arms length. I wonder what would happen if you ask her how she is one day. I bet she isn’t loving life. Hence spending all day in a gym with nothing else going on? Maybe she is too much and you can’t approach her but the other solution is to find another form of exercise that isn’t ruined by others behaviour.

So it's OK for you to belittle and question the OP's feelings and reactions about the possibility of a physical threat from a woman who singles out OP every time she goes to this gym but if another poster suggests that your conbributions are not helping the OP, you are being bullied?

You've dealt with bullying cases?

Were you as helpful/sympathetic as on here?

Yikes - is the woman you?!

This, basically. Still not clear on what exactly this woman has done apart from look in her locker.

I asked what the alleged hectoring entailed and got multiple people explaining the meaning of the word ‘hectoring’ to me. I know what the word means, I’m asking what was said and how. But that’s apparently me haranguing OP.

This is one of the oddest threads I’ve seen in a while.

She's a Godsend?
Anyone using whatever their ethnicity is to put down those who complain about attitude/behaviour etc is behaving wrongly. I don't go round implying I am X so don't mess with me! It's racist.

Okey dokey. In that case, YABU.

It's not difficult is it, I don't understand why some people are struggling with what op is talking about.

Jesus..go and have a coffee and chill out...

We've a couple of local families some of them real hard nuts. They'll tell anyone listening that they're a........ Insert surname. Unfortunately they've both got unusual surnames which is awkward for other distant family burdened with the same surname.

My husband, then my children came across these ferals occasionally. Nowadays, unfortunately they're involved in county line gangs acting as local distributors.

Back in the day they were just fighters, car stealers and burglars. All amateurish, got caught often. This generation of drug dealers are swimming in different city dealer waters.. we've had a few disappearances, suspect murders.

I'd join a different gym

Nothing traveller specific in the OP. I thought she meant one of my lot, Cockney 😀

If you are still not clear after multiple posts I can't help you.
Agree this thread is very very odd...

Hi, OP, I know the kind of character you mean. There have been two of them at my gym but I only had an issue with the first one because the second liked me!

The first woman was super aggro and loud, although not as bad as the one you’re talking about. But she stopped coming during Covid and then I ran into her randomly in the supermarket and she told me her dad had died and she was afraid of the virus and I actually felt sorry for her. It reminded me we don’t know the whole of people, just what they project.

Anyway, I think other people who’ve suggested being laughy and jokey back might help. But keep it moving. Since you don’t like her, don’t let her do the other thing these types do and start a conversation. Just say “hey mate” or “good on you” (I seem to be channeling an inner Australian here!) and move it along.

I genuinely detest when bad behaviour, even criminal one, is given as a justification, comparing them to people with genuine medical disorders.

The majority of people with ADHD have problems with impulsivity, hyperactivity and inattention. They aren't bullies FFS.

The Mandy from This Country is actually very very close but more scary.
Like the woman in the reading group circle. She's younger though and more physically intimidating due to the boxing

Someone who bangs on about having family who will come in and sort people out if they complain about her doesn't exactly sound pleasant

I absolutely agree with this - I'm from East London and know plenty of women who think they're Ronnie Krayettes - it's a definite type and they are mouthy, no social norms, aggressive. Even as teenagers they'd walk up to you and say 'I heard you called me a 'slag' just as a reason to hit you, and they don't change much when they become adults. It's an act that can be intimidating if you aren't used to dealing with people like it. Obviously most of the posters on here "ooh a bashing thread....why can't you just say you don't want to talk etc' have never left their cosy home counties bubble. Anyway, I digress, you've got 2 options with people like this. You can either go back mouthy yourself, which you can't do if it isn't natural to do, or you can kill her with kindness. Trust me, this really works, but do it with confidence. So, next time you see her, say (loudly) 'alright?, big smile' then proceed to make some small talk. Just be a bit overly friendly yourself. Say something like 'God I wasn't sure if I'd make it today, backs been killing me lately..' you know, small talk rubbish but actually talking. What she is really saying when she acts up is 'I'm important, I'm someone, notice me'. So do it, talk to her, notice her, chat to her. I often have dealt with people like this and honestly when you show them some attention with confidence, they're putty in your hand.

Fortunately, I’m not the one that needs help.

Your multiple vague posts have explained nothing. If she’d actually done anything to you, you’d have said. So, she clearly hasn’t.

Based on what you’ve said, this woman is guilty of being loud, crass, working class and a bit weird. She’s had the temerity to be these things in your presence. That does not constitute bullying.

If anything, from the language you use to describe her, the more likely bully is you.

I think a pp makes a good point about people like that not understanding others around them and trying to get their energy up. It may be that she also feels out of place and is "acting up" to be a bit of a character and not show she feels intimidated.

I think you are missing the point or being deliberately obtuse.

Recording someone on your phone is prohibited in my gym.

Tbh she doenst sound like a bully. Just someone who's a bit loud and mouthy. Just ignore her. Ppl like that are often all mouth and no trousers.

@Soniastrumpet1984 I understand exactly what you mean. I’m originally from a North of England city and there were girls when I was growing up who’d revel in I’m from ( rough suburb) and I’ve got 6 brothers so don’t mess with me.

I think writing to the management is a good move and in the meantime brazen it out, say a general hello around the room. Is there another woman also intimidated by her? Perhaps pal up with her, if you’re just chatting about jobs or whatever bully woman can hardly chip in.

I understand exactly what you mean OP. This person has an aggressive demeanour and is regularly putting themselves in your personal space. I would find this intimidating. The only thing you can do is report it to the management.

No, there’s more to it than that, and enough posters have identified the OP as being intimidated by the underlying threat this woman presents. It’s low level threat which goes under the radar because the behaviour falls just short of reportable. And OP says others feel threatened. The gym has a duty to keep members safe and this woman makes them feel anything but.