Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

[Soniastrumpet1984]

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

I took it as the woman comes from a well known crime family. Who has probably been moved rurally by the council and is now swaggering about the gym where she knows everyone knows what her surname is.

Well, my advice is to speak to other people at the gym. Especially when it happens. For example, after she lunged you could speak to whoever is on duty and to other members. They will either reassure you that there's nothing to it, or agree that it is threatening. Even better is to email management because, even if they don't do anything, you will have a paper trail to prove that you flagged up her behaviour if things get worse.

The other thing is that she may not be directly bullying you, but she is making you and others feel uncomfortable in the gym. You should flag that up in your email because, even if the gym is unsupervised, it is their duty to make you all feel safe.

Maybe listen to what people are saying instead of painting yourself to be a “hysterical victim”.

See I imagine it to be like this, which is bullying and intimidating.

This. 100%. Those virtue signalling about Travellers maybe should investigate their own unconscious bias. I took it that the woman was from a particular town in Scotland, or that she had a particular surname locally associated with bad behaviour, so OP was trying to avoid offence by not filling in the blanks.

OP has been perfectly clear about what’s going on, and the fact that this person is careful never to overstep into something warranting official complaint. We’ve all experienced similar. Weird that some people are asking for clarification of something pretty much black and white already.

I think that sounds less like bullying than what OP describes, actually, if she apologised and was contrite afterwards.

I know what you're saying @Soniastrumpet1984 . I do think you mean intimidating not bullying, but they make you feel the same - helpless, frightened, unsure.

I had this happen on a train platform. A male person getting up close and in people's personal space with aggressive body language. People were clearly very uncomfortable and that's what he was after. I did my best to avoid eye contact, not draw attention etc but he rocks on up to me doing the same BS. I steadied myself looked up from my phone, stood my ground subtly, flashed a smile and said "hi, how are you?" He looked like I'd slapped him across the face. The swagger faltered and he stumbled a bit for words and walked on with a "have a good day" from me as I went back to my phone.

People like that want the rabbit in the headlights reaction. They live for it. You don't have to be ballsy, just blasé. "Oh, it's you, ho hum. Got stuff to do, have fun" then walk away.

Nope. She’s spot on with that characterisation. It’s happening all over the thread along with copious amounts of virtue signalling and unconscious bias, right from the first reply. OP I’d ask for this to be taken down. Some people are just out to wind you up.

If you are genuinely this obtuse then you really don't have much to offer this thread. Most people will immediately recognise the intimidating behaviour the OP is describing.

But as she didn’t say, the fact people are linking the actions/attitude in the OPs post with the incorrect group surely says’mpre about them?

Are you trying to bully me off the thread?

🤣 the irony

Next time you see her say to her that you don't want her to think you're rude or unfriendly but you use your time at the gym to reset and tend to zone out and concentrate on your workout, so if you don't acknowledge her that's why.

You're right OP. This faux puzzlement from posters that they don't understand what this woman is doing wrong and that it is all in your head is ridiculous.

Being targetted by someone for constant attention, even if there is only an undercurrent of a threat, is quite disconcerting and upsetting and almost impossible to deal with if there is no-one in charge to speak to and she is there all the time.

Wow, how does it feel to be so totally wrong?

And then continue the misinformation in your next post?

OUCH!

This. Plus with the the fake lunges, a slightly baffled "You alright?" or even a "Thought you tripped over for a second" 😂

@HagathaChristi Oh the irony !! Maybe look back at some of your own posts to the OP. In one you’ve assumed that OP is alone with this woman and suggested that she go when there are more people around - when what the rest of us read was that there are other people around and they are also intimidated. And why is it creepy for OP to notice this woman is there every day ? She drives past the place every morning and if this woman is standing outside vaping she’s hardly inconspicuous. It’s not ‘creepy’ to make the connection that she’s there every day, because she clearly is. This thread is weird.

As distressing as this probably was for the poor op, at least posters with an IQ above that of a potato can appreciate the delicious irony at play in this thread.

Hint: If you jump right in, associating ANY set of negative actions with a specific race or ethnicity, you need to hold that mirror up real close while shrieking 'racist!'.

I don't get the faffing over the semantics of whether it's bullying or intimidation..
I've clearly said it feels like the start of being picked as a victim, that she singles me out.
When threads go like this, I often imagine is the poster like this in real life, like in the staff room at work . Someone says something and they fixate on the semantics, or the minute detail so they fully understand , or is this something they only do on the internet

What a weird thread. Loads of people standing up for a woman they have never met and trying to guess her heritage but then accusing op of being racist. It's very clear from your description that this woman is an absolute pain in the ass and makes the environment uncomfortable for other gym users. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it as she has marked her territory and no one is going to get rid of her. If I were you I would save your money by cancelling your membership and use that extra cash to pay for home equipment and work out at home.

Could you bear to kill it with kindness? She does sound a bit unhinged but it all sounds rooted in attention seeking and poor social skills.

I had a neighbour who seemed to want to intimate me and clearly, for reasons I didn't understand, had a narrative in her head that I was unfriendly. It helped to meet her head on so calling out "Hi Sheila" even when she was far enough away that I could have pretended not to see her, flashing my lights and waving if I was driving.

Could you greet her first? Could you shrink back in exaggerated horror if she lunges at you? "No, no don't hit me. I know you're from Portsmouth, I'm not hard enough". Could you say something encouraging while she's working out "looking strong Sheila?" "I don't think I'll ever get as strong as you, you really put the work in".

I think it's getting under her skin that you don't pay her attention and she senses your discomfort. I know you don't want to get involved in conversations with her but you might be able to hold her off with a bunch of cheerful remarks which don't get you drawn in but which stop her being able to file you in her head as standoffish.

This is a great description of what's happening.
It's the undercurrent of a threat that is so difficult to pin down, it's very passive aggressive and hard to combat head on.

Op I'm wondering what would happen if you matched her energy, not to put yourself in a vulnerable position of course.

She reminds me of my fil who is a very bombastic person, very extroverted, larger than life. Always surrounded by chaos and drama.
He can't understand people who aren't like him and wants to get the energy up around him, so almost goads people to respond.

I'm not saying to respond in a combative way but more big greetings when you see her, acknowledging her loudly etc almost like a buddy, show her something of your personality so she can categorise you in her mind and then hopefully settle down around you.

@Soniastrumpet1984, you have posted in AIBU, so posters have quite reasonably assumed that you are asking whether or not you are being unreasonable to feel that she is bullying you. And because you are being vague about exact things she has said to you, they are asking questions to clarify so they can answer the question of whether or not you are being unreasonable.

You are actually asking for tips to handle this woman, so you shouldn't have posted in AIBU in the first place. You can ask for MNHQ to move this thread to Chat.

Quite right. You are concerned about being intimidated and bullied and have come on here for advice and understanding and guess what? You’re being intimidated and bullied. Thank goodness there are some decent people on here who have tried to offer you some genuine support.

Good luck with the situation OP. I’m afraid I would leave the gym and find somewhere else regardless as I would find the situation just too unsettling. You are being very courageous in trying to deal with it so you have my respect!

'Lunge' has 2 meanings. A gym move. And a sudden movement towards someone as the start of or threat of attack.

The OP means the second type.