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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
Fabulouslyunfabulous · 12/12/2024 07:30

We have a woman like this (although not quite so bad).
Written complaint to staff every time.
Who’s it run by? Private company or council? Maybe go to the head office if those on the ground are incapable of dealing with her.

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"

Might be easier to fill in your blank because you’ll have people filling it for you.

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2024 07:31

I think it's perfectly clear what you are writing. You either engage some other support from regulars. Or from a large relative. Or you have to stand up to her. Look her in the eye and ask her to move out of your space. She's a bully and getting her kicks from being the big I am.

CatalinaLoo · 12/12/2024 07:32

ShilohTikva · 11/12/2024 15:47

A clear traveller bashing thread then...

A clearly wrong assumption from you then…. Isn’t it racist if you to assume a post about an unpleasant character is about a traveller? Oh dear. How the tables have turned 😂

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 07:34

CatalinaLoo · 12/12/2024 07:32

A clearly wrong assumption from you then…. Isn’t it racist if you to assume a post about an unpleasant character is about a traveller? Oh dear. How the tables have turned 😂

An at the risk of perpertrating a stereotype traveller women are surely extremely unlikely to be spending all day in a gym

Ithinkyou · 12/12/2024 07:36

You're being perfectly clear, maybe no one else has encountered this kind of character. As a long time pub manager, I have. Many times!

Unfortunately, as these people always manage to just stay on the side of 'not actually done anything wrong' there's nothing you can do apart from figure out how to co-exist or leave the gym.

As a previous poster said, making sure you get in the first 'hello' and maybe a shared 'private joke' / banter goes a long way.

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:37

CatalinaLoo · 12/12/2024 07:32

A clearly wrong assumption from you then…. Isn’t it racist if you to assume a post about an unpleasant character is about a traveller? Oh dear. How the tables have turned 😂

I don't think it's racist, when someone names tropes commonly associated with a particular group, to infer that is whom op is talking about. The op's actual reference is (deliberately?) obscure. Whether or not that's intentional it would be disingenuous for people to pretend they hadn't made the connection. I know that I did.

sloecat · 12/12/2024 07:37

ThatTealViewer · 12/12/2024 00:00

What does ‘hectoring’ you entail? And what do you mean by fake lunges?

None of this is at all clear, OP. Which is probably why you’re getting the responses that you are.

It’s perfectly clear to me. This person is trying to intimidate OP.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:40

What I have written is perfectly clear, followed by clarifying updates.

I didn't fill in the blank as it doesn't really matter,
"Im from Portsmouth/ chipping camden/cardiff, we are all fighters there" I thought that would would derail the thread with posters going "oi I'm from Portsmouth/chipping camden/Cardiff and I'm not like that how dare you"

The point is not the blank, the point is she uses it as a thing to suggest a reputation.
I can't be clearer about her lunging towards me in a way that suggests violence or about her staring not just looking at my locker , or all the other ways she is difficult.
I haven't ever been bullied before, which Is why I would like tactics (thanks to those on here who have given helpful ideas) to avoid it. I can't say anything but the truth which is that I feel on the back foot, like she singles me out and that my boundaries are being eroded. I feel like an object for her entertainment or bullishness. I will definitely be trying the say hello first and I will be making a written concern to the gym team. The gym is attached to a conference centre so they will have a general manager who might be a good port of call.

OP posts:
HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:41

sloecat · 12/12/2024 07:37

It’s perfectly clear to me. This person is trying to intimidate OP.

By being at the gym 24/7? By bragging about being strong? By showing off her lunges?

OP, what do you want to get from this thread? How can anyone possibly help you, apart from agreeing with you - as many are - that this woman is a bully? I think people need to refresh their memories about what bullying actually is. She may be a bit strange, incredibly annoying and you might feel afraid of her physical presence, but she is not bullying you.

In fact, op, if you were to make an official complaint I am pretty sure you would receive some kind of caution from the gym for your behaviour (the part where you notice she is at the gym when you drive by on your way to work is particularly creepy.)

ilovesooty · 12/12/2024 07:42

TwigletsAndRadishes · 11/12/2024 17:01

I'd be tempted to start doing weird things like whispering to myself as though I'm having a conversation with someone she can't see, or let her catch you smearing the inside of your locker with jam and when she asks what you're doing, cackle madly and shout; 'The ANTS! The ants NEED sugar TOOOOOO'.
You could tell her you have such bad social anxiety that having to speak to anyone in a public setting literally makes you poo yourself, then pull a face as though you're actually having a poo right there and then (maybe crush a stink bomb surreptitiously in your pocket for the full effect).

WTAF have I just read?

Exactly. Weird.

CatalinaLoo · 12/12/2024 07:42

You’re being perfectly clear OP. This woman sounds like a dick. She also sounds like she has MH issues. Ignore her but let yourself appear intimidated, as then she’ll never stop.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:45

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:41

By being at the gym 24/7? By bragging about being strong? By showing off her lunges?

OP, what do you want to get from this thread? How can anyone possibly help you, apart from agreeing with you - as many are - that this woman is a bully? I think people need to refresh their memories about what bullying actually is. She may be a bit strange, incredibly annoying and you might feel afraid of her physical presence, but she is not bullying you.

In fact, op, if you were to make an official complaint I am pretty sure you would receive some kind of caution from the gym for your behaviour (the part where you notice she is at the gym when you drive by on your way to work is particularly creepy.)

Edited

What lots of people want from MN . A place to talk issues through, get advice if they can't discuss in real life, spend some time chatting.
With great respect, I know very clearly what bullying is and this feels like the start of it if i don't head it off.
Also, as I clearly stated , this is not only me. Several.people at the gym clearly find her difficult. I agree with a pp who said they do not quite enough to be able to tackle anything .

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:47

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:41

By being at the gym 24/7? By bragging about being strong? By showing off her lunges?

OP, what do you want to get from this thread? How can anyone possibly help you, apart from agreeing with you - as many are - that this woman is a bully? I think people need to refresh their memories about what bullying actually is. She may be a bit strange, incredibly annoying and you might feel afraid of her physical presence, but she is not bullying you.

In fact, op, if you were to make an official complaint I am pretty sure you would receive some kind of caution from the gym for your behaviour (the part where you notice she is at the gym when you drive by on your way to work is particularly creepy.)

Edited

It isn't creepy. As I drive by, she is outside vaping. I made this point to show how there is never a day she isn't there, so adjusting my schedule wouldn't necessarily work.

OP posts:
Brownbottle · 12/12/2024 07:48

Your thread doesn’t seem unclear to me OP, not really sure what others mean. I would have stock phrases in your mind and practice saying them confidentially - firmly say “morning” and leave it like that. She may move on if she just gets a confident uninterested reaction. She seems like a bully.

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:49

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:45

What lots of people want from MN . A place to talk issues through, get advice if they can't discuss in real life, spend some time chatting.
With great respect, I know very clearly what bullying is and this feels like the start of it if i don't head it off.
Also, as I clearly stated , this is not only me. Several.people at the gym clearly find her difficult. I agree with a pp who said they do not quite enough to be able to tackle anything .

But you haven't actually said how she bullies you. You have described feeling intimidated by her, which is a different thing.

Equally respectfully, from your post it sounds as though you are always alone with her. Is the gym not well attended or do you go at times when it is just the two of you present. If so, have you thought about going when there are more people around?

timeforteaandbiscuits · 12/12/2024 07:50

Neville Goddard's revision technique. You'll have to do it a few times but it works.

I had a work employee scream at me and throw a tantrum, a very angry woman, the very next day she was making me cups of tea and apologised.

Ohthatsabitshit · 12/12/2024 07:51

Does the gym have CCTV?
Respond blandly to her chatter and ask her to stop if she “play lunges” at you. Speak to the manager about how uncomfortable she makes you feel.

GoldenLegend · 12/12/2024 07:52

There seem to be a few bullies on here using the tactic of ‘I don’t know what you mean, explain yourself’ persistently to undermine the OP when she has been perfectly clear. And if you are assuming the OP is describing Travellers when she lists certain behaviours, that is YOU making assumptions.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:52

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:49

But you haven't actually said how she bullies you. You have described feeling intimidated by her, which is a different thing.

Equally respectfully, from your post it sounds as though you are always alone with her. Is the gym not well attended or do you go at times when it is just the two of you present. If so, have you thought about going when there are more people around?

No not always alone, I said upthread, she tries to engage others who are also a little intimidated.
She is eroding my boundaries and attempting to humiliate, this is definitely the start of bullish behaviour towards me.
It doesn't actually matter whether you fully understand, or if I report in detail every interaction so you can decide if its bullying or not.

OP posts:
HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:53

timeforteaandbiscuits · 12/12/2024 07:50

Neville Goddard's revision technique. You'll have to do it a few times but it works.

I had a work employee scream at me and throw a tantrum, a very angry woman, the very next day she was making me cups of tea and apologised.

"I had a work employee scream at me and throw a tantrum, a very angry woman"

See, THIS is bullying - an extreme example of it. I hope she got a warning for doing that.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 07:54

The tactic of "I don't understand" is from the same playbook.
Victim looks increasingly hysterical

OP posts:
Fabulouslyunfabulous · 12/12/2024 07:54

GoldenLegend · 12/12/2024 07:52

There seem to be a few bullies on here using the tactic of ‘I don’t know what you mean, explain yourself’ persistently to undermine the OP when she has been perfectly clear. And if you are assuming the OP is describing Travellers when she lists certain behaviours, that is YOU making assumptions.

I agree with this. I wonder if gym bully is a mumsnetter.

ThatDearOtter · 12/12/2024 07:56

Honestly some people on here need to have a word with themselves. Traveller bashing? What on earth. The ones virtue signalling should have a look at some of the prejudices they clearly have. I assumed she put a blank in space of a surname? Like in Northern Ireland some people will say "I'm a (insert surname) " meaning my family our well known for being in and out of jail. Wouldn't be wise to put the surname on a thread on mum's net would it?

LoudSnoringDog · 12/12/2024 07:57

She sounds mentally unwell

Lwrenn · 12/12/2024 07:58

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/12/2024 06:38

You have me 😑, I’m Scottish and I’ve no idea what family/ group you’re talking about.

It would be helpful if you could clear this up as it’s a large piece of context that is missing.

As for the woman, be polite but cold, if she lunges for you , simply stare her down and ask her if she’s ok with a confused look on your face.

Her behaviour is clearly not normal.

Edited

I was raised for a good while by a Scottish woman so I say wee constantly and “ya wee bellend” is probably my most used sentence 😂😂
I adore Scottish women. If I end up chatting to a Scottish lassie on the phone for my energy supplier or something in I’m actual heaven.

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