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AIBU?

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
Timble · 12/12/2024 06:39

There are clearly posters in this thread who have never encountered a bullying intimidating person. I’m from the north and there were well known families who were known to be very rough and you’d definitely want to be nowhere near them. Not travellers just known by their family name. They would start fights with people out of nowhere and just generally walk around the place like they owned it.
so when people suggest just be upfront I’d suggest you do not do that. I’d be polite but never engage, she sounds like quite a difficult person who you most likely don’t want to get on the wrong side of. If it was me I’d definitely find somewhere else to train or buy some equipment for home (like weights/resistance stuff). It’s not worth the worry to avoid this person!

pennyHD · 12/12/2024 06:42

Oh fuck that! I'd leave the gym, OP, and just work out at home.

The woman sounds awful!

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 06:42

This is a woman whose whole life seems to be spent at the gym, working out and trying to get people to notice her. She doesn't have the skills to make proper conversation, let alone friendships so is resorting to bizarre interactions (the lunging) to get a reaction from you and god knows what the rest of her life must be like if this is how she spends her time. I think the pp was right - act confident, greet her assertively, then get on with your day. Poor woman clearly has issues but they're not yours to fix.

Timble · 12/12/2024 06:43

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 18:16

This constant attempt to belittle me by using the patronising phrases "use her words " and "big girl words" are really horrible.

I see this on posts all the time. It’s funny on a post about feeling bullied and looking for support you get a load of people trying to make you feel shit about yourself. Honestly OP I’ve known people like this woman. Do not confront, she may be all mouth but you don’t really any to find yy

Timble · 12/12/2024 06:44

Timble · 12/12/2024 06:43

I see this on posts all the time. It’s funny on a post about feeling bullied and looking for support you get a load of people trying to make you feel shit about yourself. Honestly OP I’ve known people like this woman. Do not confront, she may be all mouth but you don’t really any to find yy

Sorry posted too quick. I was just saying she may be all mouth but you don’t really want to find out if that’s the case!!

Pipsquiggle · 12/12/2024 06:45

Have a look at Jefferson Fisher on Instagram
He advises you on what to say in different/ difficult situations. Very short videos.

The problem is that it sounds like she is either an out and out bully /nasty person or she lacks self awareness so even if you point out her weird behaviour it won't resonate with her at all.

A PP has mentioned, say hello to her, make eye contact.
With overbearing people sometimes a short hello is better than putting them in their place.

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 06:46

ThatTealViewer · 12/12/2024 00:00

What does ‘hectoring’ you entail? And what do you mean by fake lunges?

None of this is at all clear, OP. Which is probably why you’re getting the responses that you are.

Hectoring and fake lunges is pretty clear surely, maybe hectoring isn't a widely used work but how do you not know what a fake lunge is?

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 06:48

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 06:09

I don't know how to help you understand if writing it down isn't enough.

Op you need to get a grip the woman’s not actually done anything. I think from the last sentence of your OP you’re being prejudice at the very least.

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 06:48

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 06:46

Hectoring and fake lunges is pretty clear surely, maybe hectoring isn't a widely used work but how do you not know what a fake lunge is?

She’s asking what the hectoring involves quite obviously because the OP hasn’t actually given any examples.

Wonderi · 12/12/2024 06:49

She sounds like an absolute twat.

Fortunately, you know that this isn’t a personal thing and that others members and staff feel exactly the same about her as you do.

Some people have issues.
It could be awful social skills, attachment issues, autism, ADHD etc and often these can present as being very loud or brutish. She could also just be an absolute knob.

But it does sound like she wants attention and this is often how some people try and make friends but they also want people to feel intimidated by them at the same time.

I find being friendly in a confident way can help with these sorts of people, to almost show you’re not a threat yourself but also not timid.

I think you’ve been doing the right thing.
I would also say hello to her and everyone else confidently and then put your headphones in.

And apart from doing what you’ve been doing, then I would just try and avoid the confrontation. So lock your locker and try and avoid the changing rooms when she’s in there etc.

It’s not the best advice sorry but there isn’t much you can do about someone like this.

8misskitty8 · 12/12/2024 06:51

I live in Scotland and have no idea what you are meaning by her being a specific heritage 🤷🏻‍♀️ you’ll need to explain that better.

Either ignore, report to management, tell her to fuck off or change gyms.

Wonderi · 12/12/2024 06:53

I don’t understand why posters are being so obtuse.

Perhaps if you’d written that a man was acting in an intimidating way, then you would get loads of supportive replies.

If there was a male member who was going through your locker or getting in your personal space, you wouldn’t have such rude replies.

The issue here is that her behaviour is quite low level, which is often worse because there’s less you can do about it.

Recentgradneedingachance · 12/12/2024 06:53

Porcuporpoise · 12/12/2024 06:42

This is a woman whose whole life seems to be spent at the gym, working out and trying to get people to notice her. She doesn't have the skills to make proper conversation, let alone friendships so is resorting to bizarre interactions (the lunging) to get a reaction from you and god knows what the rest of her life must be like if this is how she spends her time. I think the pp was right - act confident, greet her assertively, then get on with your day. Poor woman clearly has issues but they're not yours to fix.

Well said 👏

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 06:55

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 06:48

She’s asking what the hectoring involves quite obviously because the OP hasn’t actually given any examples.

Buy you don't need to know the specific words used to understand what the woman is doing. It's like sledging or barracking the word is enough to explain the problem

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 07:05

ShilohTikva · 11/12/2024 15:50

"Bare knuckle boxing"
"All protect each other"
"I'm not nicking"

Any other stereotypes to fit in?

“Is that your dog, missus?” - if the person has a fit Lurcher

buttonousmaximous · 12/12/2024 07:07

I think you need to be firm back. The passive avoidance hasn't worked. I'd say a strong "morning" with eye contact. If she insults you I would stare at her and say "don't say xyz, I don't like it " if she says something like I'm not nicking your stuff say "then stop staring at it" if she lunges say "stop doing that" whatever dickhead response she gives, look straight at her for a few seconds then carry on doing what your doing.

Pushing back should be enough to get her to back off (although she will just find another victim) as she's likely all bluster but if she gets worse then you have a legitimate reason to complain to staff, if she's being rude and aggressive she needs banning.

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 07:07

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SkyGrant · 12/12/2024 07:08

Hi Op Sorry to hear about this dreadful person. I think that you have only one option at the moment as the people who run the place are unable to control her, in fact she appears to out of control and completely odd.

I understand the situation that you are in having lived in a rural part of the country and only one option available for gym membership, I have been there.With awkward members who thought that they owned the place, were loud with music generally childish behaviour towards me a new member!

What I would do is suspend your membership if you can and await this person getting booted out or she does something else. this is not giving in it is allowing her to move on or find some other past time.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/12/2024 07:16

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She clarified they are not a traveller upthread. I kind of got the impression she was talking about Glaswegian.

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 07:18

@Soniastrumpet1984 She sounds a tiresome pain to be around.
Sadly stables can also be hotbeds of bullying as well - Where people try to plan to do their horse when the yard bully is unlikely to be there.

Lock your locker so she can’t snoop, and I’m surprised she doesn’t work ( assumed she worked there?)

Petergriffinschins · 12/12/2024 07:22

Why is everyone jumping on OP?

The woman sounds like a cunt. You know travellers can be cunts too, right? If that’s what she is. It doesn’t matter. She’s acting like a prick and making OP feel uncomfortable. What’s she supposed to do, let it go so she doesn’t offend anyone?

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 07:27

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She's said definitely not a traveler, it doesn't matter but I'm interested to know what this type of Scor is

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:28

I have some questions -

a) When you say "fake lunges" do you mean that she actually pretends to go for you, or that she is doing an exercise lunge?

b) If it is an exercise lunge why does it intimidate you so much?

c)Why is it an issue that she is always at the gym? In my local gym there are men who virtually live there.

d) Has she said directly to you that she will bring her bare knuckle uncles down to deal with you?

e)Why was it so unnerving when she was looking in the direction of your locker, after all she wasn't staring at you (and may not have even been looking in your locker as it sounds as though she may have been disassociating).

f)When you say she is lining you up to be her next victim, who is the current victim? And what specifically makes you think this.

My own verdict is that you may find this woman unpleasant in many ways, but on the strength of the evidence you have given so far I am not convinced that she is as interested in you as you are in her. In fact, if I was her I would complain to the staff about you stalking her, staring at her and starting MN threads about her for no good reason - but I am very open and perhaps your answers will enlighten me.

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 07:29

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 07:05

“Is that your dog, missus?” - if the person has a fit Lurcher

Exactly 🤣 I've heard all these stereotypes so many times.

CatalinaLoo · 12/12/2024 07:30

Wheelyfast · 11/12/2024 15:40

If you're going to have a traveller bashing thread at least have that conviction to use the word, & not skirt around it hoping others will.

Haha hilarious that is you that made the connection to travellers when the OP wasn’t talking about them at all….! Maybe you’re the racist one for assuming a thread about an unpleasant person was about a traveller!