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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
Matronic6 · 12/12/2024 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stop embarrassing yourself. OP give enough information to explain the situation the persons actual label was irrelevant.

You were one of the people to attach a label to the person based on YOUR assumptions and YOUR stereotypes.

Travelodge · 12/12/2024 10:04

ThatTealViewer · 12/12/2024 09:46

Fortunately, I’m not the one that needs help.

Your multiple vague posts have explained nothing. If she’d actually done anything to you, you’d have said. So, she clearly hasn’t.

Based on what you’ve said, this woman is guilty of being loud, crass, working class and a bit weird. She’s had the temerity to be these things in your presence. That does not constitute bullying.

If anything, from the language you use to describe her, the more likely bully is you.

No idea why you’re being so unpleasant. The woman's continual unwanted behaviour towards the OP clearly makes the OP feel uncomfortable, so why are you gaslighting and trying to shame her into not feeling uncomfortable?

PinkLionFind · 12/12/2024 10:05

Just do your workout and go home.

There are annoying people everywhere.

Seeingadistance · 12/12/2024 10:05

StoorieHoose · 12/12/2024 07:59

I took it as the woman comes from a well known crime family. Who has probably been moved rurally by the council and is now swaggering about the gym where she knows everyone knows what her surname is.

Yes, that’s how I understood it. I can easily fill in the blanks with a surname or street name from my own area. The word ‘traveller’ didn’t come to mind.

pinkdelight · 12/12/2024 10:10

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 08:28

I don't get the faffing over the semantics of whether it's bullying or intimidation..
I've clearly said it feels like the start of being picked as a victim, that she singles me out.
When threads go like this, I often imagine is the poster like this in real life, like in the staff room at work . Someone says something and they fixate on the semantics, or the minute detail so they fully understand , or is this something they only do on the internet

I don't get the faffing either but there's a lot of it about on here at the moment. Your posts are perfectly clear and it's completely understandable why you feel uncomfortable and wanted advice. You don't go to he gym to socialise and even if you did, she sounds too much and quite threatening. What you've described would put me off going because I'd want to enjoy my work-out not feel on edge. If you really can't find another gym, or do work-outs at home (lots of good work-outs to follow on YT), then headphones and positive but minimal contact seems the way to go. She's not going to change though so I'd keep looking for alternative places if at all possible.

AnnaL94 · 12/12/2024 10:12

@Soniastrumpet1984 She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"

What is her specific heritage? I’ve read all your updates and it’s really not clear.

The only things you can do are:

  1. Move gyms. I don’t care if you’re rural - you will need to make the effort to travel if staying at this one will cause you distress.
  2. Just talk to her. If she was going to “get her bare knuckle fighting uncles” to come sort people out, she would have done it by now. Greet her, say “morning/afternoon”. Have a couple minutes of chat, ask her about her training then put on some head phones and carry on with your workout.
Allfur · 12/12/2024 10:15

She sounds really annoying, perhaps learning to deal with her is all part of your physical and mental work out!

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2024 10:17

ThatTealViewer · 12/12/2024 09:46

Fortunately, I’m not the one that needs help.

Your multiple vague posts have explained nothing. If she’d actually done anything to you, you’d have said. So, she clearly hasn’t.

Based on what you’ve said, this woman is guilty of being loud, crass, working class and a bit weird. She’s had the temerity to be these things in your presence. That does not constitute bullying.

If anything, from the language you use to describe her, the more likely bully is you.

It's clear that this woman is constantly in OP's face, when OP just wants to be left alone. Saying things like "ooh who rattled your cage, doesn't cost anything to be friendly", doing 'fake' lunges towards OP, making comments when asked to calm down by staff that her uncles will come down, can all be passed off as jokes but OP feels intimidated and very uncomfortable.

How on earth you can you say that OP is the bully when she just wants to go to the gym and be left alone?

I love the way you can say that this doesn't constitute bullying when backing up and agreeing with the poster who has said that she is being bullied off this thread when told that her contributions were not helping the OP.

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:22

ilovesooty · 12/12/2024 09:53

Recording someone on your phone is prohibited in my gym.

Bullying is also illegal but it's happening to the OP without the company doing anything about it.

AlexaSetATimer · 12/12/2024 10:23

miliop · 11/12/2024 16:52

So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

Well, you're acting like a frightened victim. Next time you see her, look her in the eye and say 'morning'. People like this, you're better off handling confidently. She isn't going to kick your head in, she's just a bit full of herself.

I agree.

If you act like the meek little mouse, you'll be prey.

Head up, cheery smile, hi 👋 and get on with your workout.

Jumpingthruhoops · 12/12/2024 10:28

Wheelyfast · 11/12/2024 15:40

If you're going to have a traveller bashing thread at least have that conviction to use the word, & not skirt around it hoping others will.

To be fair, I didn't make that connection until I read your post. OP was calling out a bully. The End.

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 10:28

Alondra · 12/12/2024 09:38

I genuinely detest when bad behaviour, even criminal one, is given as a justification, comparing them to people with genuine medical disorders.

The majority of people with ADHD have problems with impulsivity, hyperactivity and inattention. They aren't bullies FFS.

Not always but sometimes it goes hand in hand. I never said bullying was ok.

Beeinalily · 12/12/2024 10:31

I'm sorry OP, first you were being bullied/hectored by this woman, and now by many posters on here. May I suggest to those who find the OP's vocabulary too difficult that they go back to Reddit?

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:33

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 10:28

Not always but sometimes it goes hand in hand. I never said bullying was ok.

Bullying never goes hand in hand with ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD are the opposite of bullying arseholes. And I say "most" because there is a million to one possibility that a person with ADHD could also be a bully.

We need to stop justifying people with antisocial behaviour by blaming "a possible" medical disorder. It makes it much harder for people suffering their condition to combat society perception that every awful behaviour from a NT can be blamed at their door.

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 10:36

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:33

Bullying never goes hand in hand with ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD are the opposite of bullying arseholes. And I say "most" because there is a million to one possibility that a person with ADHD could also be a bully.

We need to stop justifying people with antisocial behaviour by blaming "a possible" medical disorder. It makes it much harder for people suffering their condition to combat society perception that every awful behaviour from a NT can be blamed at their door.

Edited

And I never said that. Married to someone with adhd and a child with asd. I was coming from a misunderstood/what’s going on really view, never mind.

Oodydoody · 12/12/2024 10:37

OP, your posts are clear.
Unfortunately your thread has attracted the obtuse crowd on MN 🙄.

TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere · 12/12/2024 10:40

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 09:23

I wonder if she is used to people judging her. She sounds like she possibly has adhd. I would be extra nice but keep her at arms length. I wonder what would happen if you ask her how she is one day. I bet she isn’t loving life. Hence spending all day in a gym with nothing else going on? Maybe she is too much and you can’t approach her but the other solution is to find another form of exercise that isn’t ruined by others behaviour.

Oh, give over. I'm so sick of people assuming every arsehole is an arsehole because they're neurodiverse. Most of us walk among you and don't behave like this.

OuchyEars · 12/12/2024 10:42

brunettemic · 11/12/2024 21:31

As with the post you’ve quoted I’m struggling to figure out what she’s actually done beyond being a bit irritating.

Later OP said she will lunge at her next time after a (lack of) response she doesn't think good enough.
I would find that way beyond irritating and clear intentional intimidation.

WinterBones · 12/12/2024 10:43

the omission could have been a local gang, a family name, or a city.. The OP made no mention of 'heritage' people just assumed, and are still showing themselves out for making a shitty, racist, stereotyped assumption.

i know i used to name drop an in-law relative who was a notorious aggressive nut job, and the fact i have friends in some pretty dodgy well known Biker clubs when people were assholes to me.

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:46

What is the ethnicity??

WinterBones · 12/12/2024 10:50

*of actual heritage.

off topic: anyone having problems with their browser crashing when on MN lately?

Skodasuperb · 12/12/2024 10:50

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:46

What is the ethnicity??

Inuit. Turns the AC onto max and does the rowing machine wearing a massive parka.

GirlFromMarsBars · 12/12/2024 10:54

Wow there's some unpleasant bullying going on right here on this thread. Well done OP for calling it out.

Regarding suggestions for dealing with this lady, could you ask her for any advice - using a piece of new equipment or technique etc? Similar to a PPs suggestion, it might flatter her and leave her less inclined to intimidated you?

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:55

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 10:36

And I never said that. Married to someone with adhd and a child with asd. I was coming from a misunderstood/what’s going on really view, never mind.

This is what you said in the opening sentence I quoted you.

I wonder if she is used to people judging her. She sounds like she possibly has adhd.

You were justifying her bullying as a possibility of ADHD. Come on, take responsibility for what you post.

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:58

Skodasuperb · 12/12/2024 10:50

Inuit. Turns the AC onto max and does the rowing machine wearing a massive parka.

😂

I'm Scottish too and fascinated by what group this could be - it was traveller wasn't it?! OP just didn't want to say because she was getting flack