AIBU with BF’s tightness

[LotofLotty]

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

Stop all of it. Don't go anywhere in your car unless he gives you petrol money first. Same with takeaway, he transfers it before you order. Tell him it's his turn to get the food.

Or just ditch him and find someone who isn't mean. He doesn't sound nice to be with.

Sorry - but this is depressingly transactional.

Where's the joy of being together?
Do you want to be calculating your share for the rest of your life?

If he can't even make the effort at Christmas I would return any gifts you have bought him and start 2025 without him. Start calling him Scooge.. Especially at the work do... Then ltb...

Bin him.

So, he's managed to turn a long history of taking the piss financially into you being "jealous" of your colleagues.

Pretty classic DARVO there I'd say.

Simply take the colleagues out of it. Reiterate that you consistently pay more for days out, meals out, meals in, petrol etc. You'd like him to pay his way and to stop letting you fund him.

ETA: but I'd just bin him. Stinginess and being a user are so unattractive.

Don’t have children with this man!

Eurghhh I hate hate hate greed, tightness and stingy people

Its an awful trait

You need to address this with him!

Dear Smartprice

I am fed up of you being tight and mean with your money, therefore you are dumped as I don’t fancy another cheap out of date meal from the supermarket nor do I fancy chasing you for payment for our last takeaway.

Love Taste The Difference!

What’s he buying you for Christmas?

Leave this man, he sounds like he has zero respect for you 🥺

The buying other women drinks thing clinches it for me, hes a dick. Are you having other issues?

I agree this sounds transactional and shouldn't be like this in a relationship, but I also don't blame you. You've noticed he never takes initiative to be generous towards you or pay for anything (but will for female collegues) - and you've tried to solve this by trying to even it out, making it "fairer", encourage him to "pay for half" etc.

Unfortunately, I don't think it would solve the issue even if you succeeded... 1, because as already said, relationships shouldn't be transactional like this and 2, it wouldn't solve the issue you actually have here... your partner doesn't WANT to treat you, be generous towards you, have even finances, etc. He just doesn't. The most you'd ever get is him being forced, which won't improve your overall relationship and certainly not his attitude towards you.

Get a new one who gives more of a shit about you.

Being frugal with money is fine, but what he's doing is leeching if you.

Did you get the money back for the takeaway?

Just stop now, if he wants a takeaway he pays up front, if he wants a day trip he pays fuel up front - but tbh it's such an awful way to have a relationship I'd throw this one back

Christ get rid of him. What a tight wanker. Why stay with someone like that? Please don't say that he has other redeeming features because the two aren't mutually exclusive!!

Wow. And you still find him attractive ? I had to fight with my DH in the beginning to let me pay sometimes because I can't stand leeching. Your bf is actually just using you for money. The fact that he buys his female collegues drinks and not you is very telling. Dump dump dump the stingy bastard.

Tighter than a cat's arse.

What attractive qualities does he actually have!?

He doesn't sound like a great boyfriend, the stinginess or talking shite. The sole point of a boyfriend is to enhance your life hugely and make it fun, otherwise what on earth are you doing?
Watch some of Christian Walkers videos and raise your standards significantly.

I would think very carefully if this the type of tight ass you want to spend your life with. I would reevaluate the whole relationship rather than address specific behaviours.

He sounds like a right miser and I'd walk away.

The worst thing about it is that it has got you keeping score in your head, because you can feel that it's not right and you're trying to make sense of it and fix it. It's hurting you and making you less generous.

A couple of years into my relationship with my OH, we went away for a weekend. I paid for some things, they paid for others. We'd agreed to split the costs fifty-fifty, and on the way back we added everything up and it ended up exactly even, right to the penny. We stopped keeping track after that because we reckoned we didn't need to.

That's how it should be. Don't put up with it.

Leech and a lech.

He’s using you and it’s a bit abusive.

Look closer. Look very closely. You'll suddenly see that his meanness and stingy miserable actions are calculated, and all aimed at you. And there will be loads of little things.. A big old fishnet of a man, full of holes everywhere.

He buys drinks for colleagues because that's "worth it", that is an easy way of boosting his public image as a Nice Guy™.

My exh did it too. It's much much easier for them to perform those public niceties and obfuscate the truth with his own partner, that he's a freeloading selfish wad. People wouldn't believe it even if you told them, because nah! Not Dave! He always gets a round in! 😠 it's amazing how long they can string otherwise competent women along with their bullshit. I am actually better off now without mine, which was gobsmacking (and very painful) to realise. But I am better off in every way alone. I'd think about that option very seriously.

Behind closed doors he's just another parsimonious selfish loser. Who categorically does not care equally about you. I'd fuck him right off away from me tbh. Imagine having a child with him! .

Don't become the woman with a similar husband and she's not even allowed to spend her own money now without a scene, so she doesn't bother any more.

Don't become the pensioner whose husband is sitting on his own giant pension, golfing and such but letting her scrabble about to pay for the bread and milk.

Don't become the mum who slipped so gradually into a situation where she alone pays for the kids shoes, and treats, the books, while he hoards his gold like Smaug.

He's not worth it!

It’s free to dump someone! Treat yo’self!

Another vote here for seriously considering your relationship. If there was a serious income disparity and you'd agreed for one to carry the bulk of costs or the "richer" party kept organising expensive outings I might think differently. This, however, is good old fashioned leeching. You'd be better off without him.

You are paying him to go out with you. He wouldn't go out with you unless you paid him.

Think about that, then dump him now. If you've bought him anything for Christmas, send it back or sell it. Don't even think of giving it to him.

Look at how he's buying female colleagues drinks. He is trying to impress them. Let him crack on with it. You know what he's like and if they end up dating him, they'll pay that price, too.

Ugh he sounds horrible. What are his redeeming qualities? If you can't immediately list a dozen, then ditch him and start 2025 single and happy (and with more money, since you won't be carrying him!)

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