AIBU with BF’s tightness

[LotofLotty]

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

Good for you and I'm happy to learn you did it over txt. After using you for years he doesn't deserve a decent break up!

Yes its a two way street! Both should be paying their fair share for things. If its one way its not going to go anywhere

Glad you've dumped him and blocked him. Sounds like the type of guy you read about on here who would expect you to 'reimburse him' for covering maternity time off and childcare etc

If it were me I'd break up. I hate a tight arse! When you're in a relationship with someone you should both be able to talk about money and who pays for what - and if he owes he should want to pay you! This will be your existence forever otherwise - the holiday you put on your card and he'll pay you apart from it never comes; constantly reminding him for some cash for some shared expense. It wouldn't be for me.

I would end this.
But if you won't, then you need to set up a system like a joint account that you get all of your joint expenses like meals and trips together from and you put the same percentage of your disposable income in per month. So he might have 2k left after bills, he puts £500 in, you might only have £400 left after rent and bills so you out £100 in.
This is fair.
If he doesn't agree then bin him.

I strongly agree speaking from experience of someone who had a baby with a man like this (and I am now lumbered with the entire nursery fees alone!)

He doesn't sound like he's even worth being with so I'd be dumping him

You won’t regret it. Well done 👏

This.

Good for you!! Delighted you binned him. He’s not poor, he’s stingy and that is soooo unattractive.

Stop everything. Don’t buy takeaways, don’t take him on days out and don’t take food over to his place. Better still, don’t buy him a Christmas present and say you’re cutting back and trying to make up for what you’ve already forked out. I would even contemplate going into 2025 single and better off!

This made for depressing reading, please get away from this loser fast. My partner would never treat me like this, making you feel as if your a second class citizen but will buy his women colleagues a drink to make himself look good!

I totally agree with this and all the other posts. It’s a huge red flag for me. I had a boyfriend in the past who did this along with other controlling and coercive behaviour.
Really sorry, LTB before this gets worse.

very pleased to read this.

How can you stand/ put up with this miserable tight tosser?

Your bar is set far too low. You need to value yourself and get rid of this miserable stingy git. No one should be treating you like this.

I'm amazed that anyone would need to ask this question. Get rid.

Good advice. Tight people - who have no need be - never change, they should be reminded that there no pockets in a shroud. OP, find a normal chap, not a freeloader.

Interesting, because being poor is certainly unattractive

It's one of the unwritten three things that a man should never be

Poor
Overweight
Short

Any one of these going to be difficult but any two out of the three and its an instant avoid.

He’s a leech, if someone is cautious with money I would say they are sensible but no you are basically paying his way. And he pays when other people can see him because he doesn’t actually care what you think of him. Leave him, he’s shit and won’t ever make you feel important. He just doesn’t care. He’s basically a sponger.

Oh sorry good for you OP, have a great xmas!

I don’t agree with this. Being poor can be circumstantial but being stingy is just from being mean. If you can afford to go out with someone poor, and they’re hardworking etc I see no issue.

The vast majority of people look better slimmer, and yet tonnes of people are overweight (and still have partners!) so I don’t think it’s particularly relevant if you like someone.

And people can’t help their height so that’s not very fair. If you like someone for who they are, their height is irrelevant.