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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with BF’s tightness

171 replies

LotofLotty · 11/12/2024 10:58

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 15/12/2024 08:05

TANK1980 .......the boyfriend is a tightfisted freeloader! He knew EXACTLY what he was doing so do stop talking like a total prat! The OP is well rid of him now anyway.

cheekyginger · 15/12/2024 08:06

If you sit down and really think about it. Do you see a future with him?
Reading between the lines, you say you have been together "several years", yet are not living together. I'm sorry, but it seems like he's having his cake and eating it. He basically has a booty call on tap and one that is also happy to pay for everything. My alarm bells would have been rining a long time ago. I'm all about equality, and this isn't an equal relationship. He's actually treating you pretty shitty IMO.
If you do see a futue, you need to sit down and have a big heart to heart.... maybe a joint bank account that you both put money into each month that you use for your joint adventures. If he's not willing to compromise, he's not good enough for you. Dump him and be happier single 🥰

TimeForATerf · 15/12/2024 08:07

Well done OP, good, firm boundaries.

TENSsion · 15/12/2024 08:07

Don’t let this man cost you any more- both financially and your time.

He needs to go.

SqueamishHamish · 15/12/2024 08:14

It is very simple, you just say 'i can't afford to pay for most of our days out and meals and I can't understand why you are happy to let that happen. Please explain'. Don't be a doormat.

Tiredmomma86 · 15/12/2024 08:16

I was also with an ex like this. We lived together in his mums house and he earned more than me but yet it was always me buying wine/takeaways on the way home (I worked later hours than him). At first I didn’t mind but when I found out he was sitting on 10k savings, whilst I was constantly in my overdraft, it pissed me off. Suffice to say, it was a big factor in why I’m no longer with him! I think these sort of men never change tbh and you’re probably best just finding someone who doesn’t squeak when they walk due to their tightness!

EDIT: I see you’ve left him, well done to you!

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 08:17

PullTheBricksDown · 11/12/2024 11:01

Stop all of it. Don't go anywhere in your car unless he gives you petrol money first. Same with takeaway, he transfers it before you order. Tell him it's his turn to get the food.

Or just ditch him and find someone who isn't mean. He doesn't sound nice to be with.

i would have agreed with this until I sent the part about the work colleagues.
Just end it OP .
If anyone asks he made you pay for him daily then was. A creep with the females pretending he was someone he is not.

@LotofLotty He doesn’t respect you .
You are his free ride . He is now using darvo technique like stated by another poster.

You can do much better im sure you know that .

Viviennemary · 15/12/2024 08:20

LotofLotty · 11/12/2024 10:58

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

Got as far as never buys you a drink. Dump dump dump.

ImTryingImReallyTrying · 15/12/2024 08:20

Ah, I've been here. Never going out on any dates, the one time he took me out as his treat was a show at his local theatre where tickets were cheap as chips, but he complained endlessly about the money he'd spent and I was only allowed one half a lager in the intermission and we weren't staying for any drinks at the end!

On the way back we could only have kids portions from the chippy. Which had been a step up actually, as the day before we'd been eating dry Aunt Bessie's pre-made frozen Yorkshire puddings for dinner because he'd never buy in proper food in.

But he wasn't desperately poor, he had the money for expensive gaming equipment and a very nice motorbike (which I was never allowed to be passenger on btw). Lots of expensive collectible shit etc.

The day I dumped him was the day he told me he'd joined the LADIES darts team at his new job, and it meant he couldn't see me that weekend because he was going on a night out with all these women, and he'd just bought a nice new set of darts, so he couldn't afford the petrol for his motorbike to drive over to me. And it would mean quite a few weekends/evenings of not seeing me when they went off to WOMENS darts matches, or hung out at their local pub practicing.

We'd been seeing each other for about 7 months, and in that time I'd had one sulky stingy date and nothing else, unless I was paying of course. The second I realised he suddenly had enough money to hang around with a load of other women in their darts team and go to pubs drinking, I was done. There was no moaning about the cost of half a lager then!

The dickhead even refused to return some of my belongings at his house because "I'll just save them here for when you realise how silly you're being. They'll still be here for when you do"

Eurgh. I look back and wonder how I even entertained it for 7 months. Should've dumped him sooner.

DismissiveAgain · 15/12/2024 08:21

Well done OP. Stinginess is so unattractive. I would love him to know that was the main reason though…

LovelyDaaling · 15/12/2024 08:21

He's always going to be tight. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you'll dump him. Otherwise, prepare to be miserable

Glitchymn1 · 15/12/2024 08:22

What @OhBling said.
He just sounded very tight until the ‘stop with the jealousy’ comment.
He isn’t generous with the work colleagues, he sponges off you to do it (steals in fact as he doesn’t reimburse you after agreeing to). You’ve basically bought their gifts not him!

@nationalsausagefund 🙌 nailed it.

TANK1980 · 15/12/2024 08:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PaterPower · 15/12/2024 08:28

You made the right decision OP.

And this way you’re not now going to be posting on Christmas Day about the thoughtful present you bought him vs the cheap, generic tat he had wrapped up for you.

Machooda · 15/12/2024 08:29

Try and reread your post OP imagining someone else you don't know wrote it. Can you see it all sounds wrong? He is using you financially. I wonder if the 3k salary, house ownership and all that is true. If so, shame on him. Could it be a lie? Could he be relying on you financially just so he can buy his mates drinks in the pub and make himself look good?

Whichever way (whether he's lying about it or not) this is so wrong on many fronts. I assume, being your boyfriend, he's getting regular sex from you, too?

Sorry to put it like this but you're feeding him, beng his taxi driver and pleasuring him for very little in return.

I really wouldn't bother trying to have a talk with him.

Just end it with him.

Machooda · 15/12/2024 08:33

I missed that you're work colleagues with him OP and that he buys 'female colleagues' drinks. What a total knob! Also glad you've ended it. Onwards.

BCBird · 15/12/2024 08:37

Get rid. I was with someone for 2 and a h years. I paid 99 percent of time. Never again. Mean with money and in other area too. Ended up in debt too.

PaleAzureofSummer · 15/12/2024 08:38

You made the right choice OP. He'd never have changed. He probably just has a series of girlfriends and congratulates himself on all the freebies he got each time they get sick of it and dump him. He probably keeps a running total! What a bellend

daisychain01 · 15/12/2024 08:55

He's a tight free-loading grifter.

the fact he buys everyone else a drink but not you is an absolute insult.

Bachboo · 15/12/2024 08:55

Time for some self respect OP and dump Scrooge

Rosscameasdoody · 15/12/2024 08:56

Do you want to be calculating your share for the rest of your life?

Probably not, but the kind of tight fisted behaviour her BF is displaying now doesn’t bode well for the future. I’d be worried l was setting myself up for financial abuse when it came to marriage or co-habiting.

Squashedorangeaid · 15/12/2024 09:02

Tiredmomma86 · 15/12/2024 08:16

I was also with an ex like this. We lived together in his mums house and he earned more than me but yet it was always me buying wine/takeaways on the way home (I worked later hours than him). At first I didn’t mind but when I found out he was sitting on 10k savings, whilst I was constantly in my overdraft, it pissed me off. Suffice to say, it was a big factor in why I’m no longer with him! I think these sort of men never change tbh and you’re probably best just finding someone who doesn’t squeak when they walk due to their tightness!

EDIT: I see you’ve left him, well done to you!

Edited

I ended up living with a friend like this at uni. I was always the one to paying for everything, she claimed to be poor but then let on that she had 10k in savings. Im embarrassed I was such a mug, it took me way too long to drop her and she still tried to blame me saying I was a bad friend and jealous of her newer friends.
Well done for getting out! It’s sometimes hard to see what’s going on when you’re in the middle of it.

nationalsausagefund · 15/12/2024 09:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Loud and proud about a roll? She’s not Greggs

Zichy · 15/12/2024 09:14

My problem here is the 1% that said you are being unreasonable 🙄

SoftKitty · 15/12/2024 09:18

Look up ‘financial abuse’. This behaviour will only get worse so whatever you do, don’t have kids with this man. This isn’t how things should be - relationships are about equity, equality, kindness, communication and respect - he shows you none of this. Having previously been is a similar situation myself, in your position I’d end the relationship and look for a new job. Put yourself first and get the hell out of dodge while you still can.

Edited to say I’ve just RTFT and seen you’ve done both of those things. Good for you! 👏🏻