AIBU with BF’s tightness

[LotofLotty]

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

There’s a big difference between being careful and frugal with your own money and deliberately spending someone else’s. He’s not playing fair and he knows it. Few things less attractive than a miser who’s sponging off you.

Omg dump him! Don't you deserve much better than this!?

He's more than tight, he's actively sponging off you. All the while giving freely to others and attempting to gaslight you into thinking that you expecting some of the same treatment is jealousy 🙄.

All you're asking is what you've done for him - pay for a few takeaways etc. I bet if you calculated every penny you've each spent on time together, he'd be way way up. It sounds like you've given the benefit of the doubt that things might even up and it just isn't happening. It'd be the end of the road for me if I had to force someone (who has plenty of money) into financial equality. You'll never be able to take your eye off the financial situation between you without him taking full advantage and making sure he spends your money.

He sounds awful. I had a BF once who kept a note of how we'd shared costs (I didn't, it was swings and roundabouts and I paid my share, no idea he was writing it all down after a date) and he actually got out a notebook and told me I owed him £2.36 or whatever. He was toast.

I was so attracted to my DH for his generosity and decades later he is still the same.

Ditch the tightwad!

You've helped him to clear his mortgage.

Please dump him, he will never change.

I could not be with a man who was tight with money. He'd have been dumped ages ago.

Surely you mean 'does she want to be taken the piss out of for the rest of her life'? (Edited to add, not sure if you mean stop calculating, or dump him LOL.)

Just stop, OP. Don't pay for things. If he doesn't transfer money before ordering the takeaway, don't order it.

If he objects to all of this, dump him.

Just dump him. He cares more about what random female colleagues think of him that you

Was politely trying to say dump him 😂

Got to be careful of the Talk rules!

And 10 years down the line he will have £50k saved up in his account and you will be living hand to mouth with no spare cash - seen it, lived it, put your foot down and agree on something, maybe have a joint social fund and you both put set amount in a month for days out meals and take-aways and when that's gone its gone

Or call it a day

It’s not being tight; it’s leaching off you.

Sounds like he s being very selfish and greedy. I have no problem paying for things but I do expect a level of equity or a show of consideration and care in return. He doesn’t sound like he’s doing those things either.

Being someone’s partner is about providing them with support and ensuring they are looked after. That’s not necessarily about money, however he sounds like he’s not providing you with any show of partnership here.

Sounds like you are a giver and he is very much a taker. I wouldn’t stay.

OP, I recognise a couple of narcissistic traits here.

Buying drinks for colleagues while being mean to those closest to you - this is known as 'narcissistic supply'. The narcissist wants to be admired, and those who are peripheral to him can supply it. Those who are closest can be overlooked and treated meanly, because that relationship is established. So he will buy drinks for people who are on the fringe of his life, but not you!

You also mentioned jealousy. Narcissistic people are frequently jealous of other people, and expect others to be jealous of them.

Do some reading around narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It may be that he is simply mean. But if the other tendencies sound familiar ... run, run, run ... as fast as your legs will carry you.

Narcissistic people are almost always greedy with money (not food).

Good luck with him. He doesn't sound very nice.

What is it about him that makes him so irresistible that you don’t just walk away from him?
I find it difficult to understand why you are with him.

Please free yourself from this man.

You can't share your life with someone who not only doesn't enjoy treating you but actually thinks you should pay for his food and petrol.

Even when challenged he blames you.

What are his redeeming features? They must be incredible to make this worthwhile.

Well done on not living together, keep it that way.

What's the point in continuing the relationship? He isn't going to miraculously get any better, and can you imagine the miserable existence you'd have with his children?

Get yourself free from this selfish and parsimonious twat.

Stop it all. No more taking food or paying for him, just order your own. If it’s not improving dump him because trust me it gets worse.

Urgh

Being tight with money is deeply unattractive anyway,
He's actually sponging off you by letting you pay for things - how did it become a thing that you took food to his house to cook??? Whenever I go to my BF's he provides all the food and cooks (as do I when he comes here)
Buying other girls drinks and not you is plain rude
Telling you to drop the jealousy is gaslighting IMO

The Hills are this way >>>>>>>.

Not having a lot of money is in direct contrast of the rules men have to follow, six figure bank balance, six foot tall. You’ve had a lucky escape.

Let him down gently if he doesn’t pick you up in a Bentley.

Bin him off. This won't get better. Absolutely don't have kids with him. He reminds me of somebody loosely connected to my friendship group who found herself without a single gift on Christmas morning while her boyfriend had loads from her. He claimed he'd forgotten to buy all the stuff he'd put in his Amazon basket for her. Yeah sure. He didn't even bring a bottle of wine. Still with him, she pays for everything. Utter mug.

@LotofLotty you probably think we are all very quick to say “Dump” but can you tell us why you wouldn’t want to dump someone so stingy? Like, what are his good points?

Clearly he knows the difference, since he will buy a drink for someone he is not in a relationship with. Did he pretend to be generous like that to you before you and he were officially together?

@LotofLotty I knew a man who used to charge his wife mileage for taking her to the supermarket! The marriage - unsurprisingly - did not last!

That’s not what anyone is saying at all. But what they are saying is he clearly isn’t contributing to the relationship as a partner (not just in terms of the finances) or seemingly is caring.

Relationships are a two way street, not just one person attempting to reap all the benefit and take advantage of the other’s generosity and kindness. That’s just purely selfish and not the qualities you should attempt to bring to a relationship.