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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with BF’s tightness

171 replies

LotofLotty · 11/12/2024 10:58

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

OP posts:
MellowCritic · 15/12/2024 09:18

LotofLotty · 11/12/2024 10:58

My boyfriend of several years has always been quite careful with his money but recently, it has really started to grate on me. If we go and get a takeaway, I’ve noticed that he always lets me pay. He is always asking what food I am bringing over to his house for him to cook. If he cooks he produces some out of date food from the reduced section or something like that.

He is not short of cash. He owns his house and has paid off the mortgage and earns over £3k a month in a relatively cheap northern area.

Ive recently started trying to assert boundaries and make him pay his fair share and it’s come to a bit of a head today. A week and a bit ago we had a day out. We went in my car and I bought the lunch. I said at the time that he would have to buy the next ‘treat’ for us. He didn’t offer any cash for petrol and it was a 3 hour round trip.

We had a takeaway on Sunday night. The app is linked to my card so we discussed it expressly and he said that he would transfer the money to me. I reminded him on Monday and now I’ve just lost my patience with him.

We are going out for Christmas meal with colleagues (we work in the same place) and he always buys his female colleagues drinks. But he never buys me anything. I mentioned that I would like the same treatment as the colleagues and he told me that I had ‘to stop the jealousy’. I suppose I am jealous that he treats work colleagues with more generosity than me.

He maintains that I am making a big deal out of nothing. AIBU please?

Asking for the same treatment as the others is a fair request. You didn't tell him he can't get the drinks for the others you just said can you be treated the same. On the flip side I think he's shown you in many ways his character and maybe its time for you to understand he's not the person you need him to be. You've told him how you feel and if that's not heard and instead used against you then maybe its the end.

GreekGod · 15/12/2024 09:19

Run, no really Run - it will only get worse if you have children with this person. They will never change - it’s in their psyche. Get out while you can.

FrazzledFTworkingMum · 15/12/2024 09:31

put the whole man in the bin.

Pancakeorcrepe · 15/12/2024 09:35

OP, you are great! Love how you dealt with this situation in such a neat and clean way. Definitely the right decision. You can do so much better than him.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/12/2024 09:36

LotofLotty · 12/12/2024 17:31

I blocked him so I don’t know if he replied. He might try to approach me at work but I am currently working my notice so will only have to see him a few times if at all.

He might try to come to my house but if he does I will hold firm.

I was quite happy with the casual nature of the relationship. He said that he felt the same. I have my own commitments and interests and have always made it clear that I wasn’t interested in marriage etc.

I just wanted fair treatment!

Good for you OP, he sounds gross. I think being with someone like that would chip away at a person's confidence, if you carried on with them.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/12/2024 09:43

ImTryingImReallyTrying · 15/12/2024 08:20

Ah, I've been here. Never going out on any dates, the one time he took me out as his treat was a show at his local theatre where tickets were cheap as chips, but he complained endlessly about the money he'd spent and I was only allowed one half a lager in the intermission and we weren't staying for any drinks at the end!

On the way back we could only have kids portions from the chippy. Which had been a step up actually, as the day before we'd been eating dry Aunt Bessie's pre-made frozen Yorkshire puddings for dinner because he'd never buy in proper food in.

But he wasn't desperately poor, he had the money for expensive gaming equipment and a very nice motorbike (which I was never allowed to be passenger on btw). Lots of expensive collectible shit etc.

The day I dumped him was the day he told me he'd joined the LADIES darts team at his new job, and it meant he couldn't see me that weekend because he was going on a night out with all these women, and he'd just bought a nice new set of darts, so he couldn't afford the petrol for his motorbike to drive over to me. And it would mean quite a few weekends/evenings of not seeing me when they went off to WOMENS darts matches, or hung out at their local pub practicing.

We'd been seeing each other for about 7 months, and in that time I'd had one sulky stingy date and nothing else, unless I was paying of course. The second I realised he suddenly had enough money to hang around with a load of other women in their darts team and go to pubs drinking, I was done. There was no moaning about the cost of half a lager then!

The dickhead even refused to return some of my belongings at his house because "I'll just save them here for when you realise how silly you're being. They'll still be here for when you do"

Eurgh. I look back and wonder how I even entertained it for 7 months. Should've dumped him sooner.

Oh no!! Reading this made me die inside 😬🤮😂 What goes on in these people's minds?!

1989whome · 15/12/2024 09:43

I literally ended a relationship like this about 10 months ago, thought I was readingy own story a sec 😂 I have no regrets ending it either lol. You'll never get that money back. I actually got to the stage before ending it I would just go get stuff for my self, did you get me anything? Did you contribute financially you fully grown man you? No? Well off you go then. Please don't put up with it, I know it doesn't bother some people but it ate me up alive 😂 sounds like it's doing the same to you. Just a dead weight, get rid of him.

B0RING · 15/12/2024 09:46

CandyStripedCottonBedsheet · 11/12/2024 11:39

Look closer. Look very closely. You'll suddenly see that his meanness and stingy miserable actions are calculated, and all aimed at you. And there will be loads of little things.. A big old fishnet of a man, full of holes everywhere.

He buys drinks for colleagues because that's "worth it", that is an easy way of boosting his public image as a Nice Guy™.

My exh did it too. It's much much easier for them to perform those public niceties and obfuscate the truth with his own partner, that he's a freeloading selfish wad. People wouldn't believe it even if you told them, because nah! Not Dave! He always gets a round in! 😠 it's amazing how long they can string otherwise competent women along with their bullshit. I am actually better off now without mine, which was gobsmacking (and very painful) to realise. But I am better off in every way alone. I'd think about that option very seriously.

Behind closed doors he's just another parsimonious selfish loser. Who categorically does not care equally about you. I'd fuck him right off away from me tbh. Imagine having a child with him! .

Don't become the woman with a similar husband and she's not even allowed to spend her own money now without a scene, so she doesn't bother any more.

Don't become the pensioner whose husband is sitting on his own giant pension, golfing and such but letting her scrabble about to pay for the bread and milk.

Don't become the mum who slipped so gradually into a situation where she alone pays for the kids shoes, and treats, the books, while he hoards his gold like Smaug.

He's not worth it!

Excellent advice !

WildCats24 · 15/12/2024 09:54

Bullet dodged, OP.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 10:04

Thank goodness you can cut your losses. You don’t have children, houses, assets and legalities to work through.

zizza · 15/12/2024 10:12

Download the Splitwise app and start putting all your joint spending on there.

viques · 15/12/2024 10:18

I think your post explains why he has managed to pay off his mortgage, or more accurately why everyone who comes into contact with him and pays for his coffees, his snacks, his drinks, his food, his travel etc etc has kindly helped to pay off his mortgage for him!

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 15/12/2024 10:25

Zichy · 15/12/2024 09:14

My problem here is the 1% that said you are being unreasonable 🙄

That will be Tank1980 with their, er, refreshingly different take on the situation.
Meanwhile, back in reality, well done OP!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/12/2024 10:29

He's worse than tight. He's an arsehole and a user. Get rid!!! For the love of God don't ever live with him.

viques · 15/12/2024 10:31

Just spotted the update @LotofLotty , well done you . Hope you kept the receipt for his Christmas present! Xmas Smile

PinkyFlamingo · 15/12/2024 10:38

bifurCAT · 11/12/2024 14:48

Does he have a 'subconscious' feeling that he's paying it elsewhere?

For example, my partner and I have separate accounts, always have. I pay for the groceries, but on the one day a week my partner works late and we get takeaway, my partner will pay. So it 'works out in the wash'.

If he's paying utilities, DIY, tickets, fuel, buys expensive presents, etc (I know you've discounted some of these already), maybe he feels you balance it out with food?

I doubt this is the case from what you've said, I'm just exploring all options.

Did you actually read her first post?

Thedandyanddude · 15/12/2024 10:44

Hes not careful with his money, he's a freeloader. Glad you've binned him.

Jostuki · 15/12/2024 10:45

What a pointless relationship!

Just bin him and find someone who is your equal. Throw this selective tight area back.

Ohhbaby · 15/12/2024 10:49

LotofLotty · 11/12/2024 19:40

Thank you everyone. I’m not really sure what he adds to my life. I’ve just messaged him telling him that I am no longer interested in being in the relationship. He did pay me earlier today though at least!

I would've walked away as well, but find it pretty poor taste to dump someone over the phone, especially since it's been going on a few years like your OP said.
But anyway, you did it already

EmmerdaleFan78 · 15/12/2024 11:21

He sounds awful. I once had a boyfriend like that and it gave me the ick. I love the reduced section but he would pretty much only eat from it and would have the weirdest combinations, just to save a few pennies. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bargain (£96 of food for £9 once 🙌) but know when to stop. He also had a pretty well paid job but would hardly buy any furniture as it was a ‘waste’ and used to borrow his parents car rather than run his own. Fuck than.

Manara · 15/12/2024 11:28

Ohhbaby · 15/12/2024 10:49

I would've walked away as well, but find it pretty poor taste to dump someone over the phone, especially since it's been going on a few years like your OP said.
But anyway, you did it already

Show quote history

Seriously, that’s what you took from this thread? He’s fleeced her for years, she doesn’t owe him anything.

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 11:29

Good for you. Meanness is such an unattractive trait.

Skyrainlight · 15/12/2024 11:45

Dump him. He doesn't respect you, he is using you.

Yellowhellop · 15/12/2024 12:01

Get rid!!! This won’t get better.

Katievic82 · 15/12/2024 12:07

I've only got one thing to say.......DUMP HIM HE IS A LOSER AND WILL NEVER CHANGE