Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

Very wise words - thank you, @Petrasings.

Glad you’ve booked the holiday and are staying strong.

Thanks all,

Sorry for a delayed update. Lots more drama has kicked off and whilst at the beginning I had plenty of adrenaline to combat it, now I just feel sluggish and overwhelmed. Won't share the details as a few people have mentioned there's probably too much detail in here already (and I definitely don't want this ending up in the Daily Mail 😬) but thought I'd pop on and say I'm okay! And appreciate all the comments/advice.

@Grinch123 phone off for the weekend if you can, relax and holiday plan with your little one. Have a lovely weekend xx

Sorry to hear. I suppose the 'goose who lays thr golden eggs' hs gone and they're not happy about it.

Keep talking to friends in RL OP. Keep all the contact from them (if there is any) so you can log it all if need be. Don't respond to it. Maybe buy yourself another SIM that you only give to immediate network (nursery, close friends etc) so you don't have to see anything else?
Otherwise I hope you are safe. Try and get some rest this weekend x

get a friend round this weekend who is a positive force in your life if you can, even if just for a quick cuppa. Good luck OP, keep going!!

Their reaction is so telling. They are worried about themselves and not about you or your child. Don't give in. It may get worse before it is better, but in long term it will calm.

This is spot on

Their entitlement over you and the resources at your disposal is disgusting.

You are the mouse who roared OP. You may be done roaring for now, and there’s no shame or harm in a bit of quiet time, so long as you don’t give those fuckers an inch.

They will start throwing each other under the bus soon. “ I can understand why you don’t want to give money to X, but you know I am on your side “ You can’t trust any of them. They had their own WA group where they probably took the piss out of what they were going to sting you for next.

You need time and space to come to terms with it all.💐💐💐

@Grinch123 seriously, you need to consider going NO CONTACT with any of them forever! they dont deserve you but you deserve to have a stressfree life away from all of them! you and your wee girl will do well without the stress. xxx

Op I know you can’t go into detail, and I completely agree you must not. Are things okay on the SS front? That has been my main concern. I hope the police and other agencies are offering help and support - there are others I thought would be helpful:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You might feel very alone at the moment, battling against a tsunami of emotions and fears, many others have been through the same - and have come out the other side. Gone on to have fulfilling, stress free happy lives.

You might even be questioning why on earth you decided to make this Christmas of all things your hill to die on, to wish you could switch everything back to the way it was. Depleted and exhausted by their attacks and their attempts to destroy your life - that you alone have worked so hard to create.

It can be a crushing experience and frightening. Look at your little dd and ask yourself if you want her to be in your position in a few years time? That the pain you feel now will be nothing compared to watching dd struggle in future toxic relationships, trying to buy love, desperately- not understanding where real connection and love lies. And all the coping strategies that’s likely to be needed to survive.

You have simply asked to be respected op. Not unreasonably and by doing so will be providing a bench mark to dd of what should be expected as a base minimum.

I can imagine this is so hard, and ‘seeing’ them as they are can be excruciating.

But know the problem lies with them, not you. You are not the problem here. It’s their incapacity to feel love, care and respect for you and others.

Keep going 💪🏻

The adrenaline wearing off is normal. I'm not surprised you feel tired.

This is not someone in dire straits facing life-changing news, where you could understand an extreme reaction from them. Nope, it's kicking off because you won't provide them with Christmas dinner and presents. Keep reminding yourself of this context. It's not normal or proportionate to react the way they are doing.

They don't want to lose their day of being waited on hand and foot and getting luxury presents. An abusive family knows through experience that they get what they want by applying pressure through threats and tears and emotional manipulation and fear. You are breaking out of this cycle. It was never going to be easy or quiet, but it is the right thing to do.

Protect your peace. If you need to block people then do. You don't have to justify your decision, or explain yourself, or give them any more of your time and attention.

I would turn off your phone or at least mute the chats. Stop responding. They need to know you can choose to communicate or not.

@Grinch123 OP, I’ve just been scrolling on Facebook and spotted a post from BoredPanda that’s basically picked up your original thread.

I know it’s not as big as the Daily Mail or similar, but I thought you might like a heads up in case one of your family also spots it and realises it’s you.

Hope all goes well for you and your DD this Christmas.

I'm really sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and I'm sorry it has all kicked off

What you do need to remember is how far you have come in just a few days. If you back down now then, the next time this happens, you'll have to go through it all again from the beginning.

Don't back down, you're doing really well

Perhaps a public shaming might make them wake up?

Turn off phone this weekend op, have a positive friend over and recharge...you got this op ....

Sending lots of warm fuzzies OP. I hope things are calmer for you moving in to the weekend 🌷

Stay strong Grinch and if you have to delete these threads please start a new one in the new year and tell us all about your wondeful Disney Christmas 🫶💪💐

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas. It’s just popped up on my fb too, with many screenshots from the thread.

if you begin to waver just focus on (the most appalling part of your story) the fact they had a separate whatsapp that you were not invited to join.

I’m not surprised that lots more drama (abuse) is still happening @Grinch123 that you’re feeling overwhelmed and tired. You’ve reached the point you are finally seeing the full horror of them that you’ve tried so hard to ignore. The abuse you felt so sure was left in your past, you will be thinking of ways to make it all stop, “if I gave everyone a grand each to pacify them would I be in their good books and put an end to their hatred and revengeful treatment?”
No it wouldn’t because they want you to be their puppet on a string to indulge them, blindly trying to buy their love, care and support but the truth shall set you free, they are none of those things in fact they are very harmful to your daughter’s security and sense of safety, love and self esteem.
Turn off your phone or block them on everything including emails and concentrate on your upcoming Disney holiday with your dear daughter x

I know you feel you’ve let your dd down by not having the big loving Disney family you see in films but you are enough for her. She needs a stable loving home with a mum she has a secure attachment to x

It’s awful that this is being picked up by “news” sites for click bait when this is clearly causing you a lot of distress and you need the support 😡. I hope you and your DD have a wonderful Christmas and fuck the rest of them!