Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

Well there you go, MN deleted my post anyway, despite not knowing if it’s genuine or not! Great… enjoy the thread guys.

They deleted your post because you should have reported, rather than troll hunting on the thread which breaks talk rules. So it shouldn't have come as a surprise to you.

OP, I really don't want to rain on your parade, but I just want to raise a concern.

While you're away, is there any chance they might try to get into your house, for whatever reason? To use it on Christmas Day, since it will be empty. Or to check for any presents (or booze) you might havevon the premises. Or just for revenge.

I'm asking since your sister in particular doesn't seem to feel any compunctions about letting herself in.

I have been hoping you would start a new thread, I was absolutely flabbergasted by your last thread and how your family have treated you, I'm really sorry they have been causing you so much agro.

They really don't seem to care about you or your DD one dot, and you seem like such a lovely person. I'm really excited for your Disney adventure, which you could pictures if it wasn't so massively outting 😂

I would recommend blocking each and everyone of them so they can't contact you in any way, I know the anxiety you can feel waiting for the next nasty call or text. Free yourself from that, light some candles and put a Christmas film on (might I suggest The Muppets Christmas Carol, what with it being the world's greatest Christmas film and all 🎅

Maybe think about arranging a house sitter for while you are away, to ensure your house is safe

Well done for reporting threats to the Police. Logging this is a really good idea, especially as they are playing games that could likely trigger more official lines of enquiry.

I agree that it's time to message them again and make it very clear that you are absolutely fine and that they need to stop with the fake 'mental health concerns' reports. You are not ill, they've just finally pushed you too far and you've had enough. You're sick of being used by them and you're done. You do not owe them anything and they need to move on and make alternative arrangements for Xmas.

If they don't back down then I really think you need to evaluate your relationships with them after Xmas. It must be horrible for DD to watch you going through this. They really don't deserve you, OP.

I'm glad you're getting excited about Disney.x.

TheKoalaWhoCould · Today 14:40

Well done on having the courage to take action!! Have the best time at Disney! I’ve come to the startling realisation that I am you too - I’ve been bending over backwards to make Christmas for ingrates who couldn’t give a shit. I am too much of a coward to do anything about it :(

Digressing for a moment to say sorry for you @TheKoalaWhoCould . Probably too late for you to change Christmas this year as you don't sound at all confident but you could send out a group message after Christmas saying something like 'that was fun but I'm going to try something different next year and have booked to go away' and then just keep saying 'sorry that doesn't work for me' if they try to rope you into their arrangements, and block them temporarily until the fuss dies down.

I suggest you start your own thread, you'll get lots of helpful advice.

Back to OP who has been amazing, I bet there are many like @TheKoalaWhoCould who wish they could be more like @Grinch123

You need to hit the report button rather than playing Inspector Clouseau

Great minds (except you came up with the solution, too.)

I'm glad and sorry in equal amounts Op, very glad you've finally seen your family for who they really are but also sorry they have treated you so badly for so long. You're the only one whose educated yourself and worked hard so you have a decent income but your family just see you as a cash cow, they won't help themselves. They sound pretty shifty Op and they're going to be very difficult now. Quite honestly, if your little one is pre school I'd be thinking of moving away, your DC doesn't need people like that in her life.
Have a wonderful time at Disney, hug Stitch for me please

It literally says in the first thread she spoke to them calmly in her opening post

”decided to have conversations with the family. I spoke to all of them, one by one, and explained honestly I was disappointed because I like something to open, and would love if we could exchange gifts as I've bought for them already. I highlighted I'd be happy with something small - just a token gift.”

It also says they didn’t even give a card for her 30th or acknowledge her birthday or graduation. OP has been more than generous and patient with these grifters and she raised her needs with them and she was basically laughed at and used as a cash cow

Yes, she was. But it’s not just that she was "disappointed because she likes something to open", is it.

Maybe consider moving to a sunny country, eg join your friends in Oz. Leave it (them) all behind, maybe before dd starts school 😎

@Travelodge Whilst I agree that she might not want to cut them off completely.
I think that further talks with them right now is probably not the right time and might just add further fuel to the fire which will be very upsetting.

She's encountered rage and resentment instead of simple acceptance that she's not doing Christmas this year, and threatening messages which she's reporting to the police.

They sound like people who like the drama and strife. They want their Christmas feast and their presents and want her to change her mind and will only get angrier if she doesn't.

Once Christmas is out of the way, that takes a major beef off the table and hopefully it will die down a bit. She will have time to think about how to deal with it all going forward.

In my Assertiveness training course they say a few things that were eye-opening to me and are relevant here:

• Aggressive communication violates the rights of others, but Passive communication violates your own rights (I had never really thought of it like that, that it's not preferable and just politer)

• Benefits to being passive are that you avoid/postpone conflict so in the short term it can lead to a reduction in anxiety, you avoid criticism, and you're praised for being selfless. Some costs are that you're prone to build up stress and anger, others make unreasonable demands of you, and you can get stuck in relationships that aren't healthy and find it difficult to change. Assertiveness has obvious benefits, but the price is there is often pain involved in being assertive

• "There can be a cost to being assertive; people around you may have been getting some benefit from your being unassertive. If they are typically aggressive and want things done their way, they may not want you to change"

• "Friends / family may have benefited from you being passive and may sabotage your new assertiveness"

• Passive communication shows "a subtle lack of respect for the other person's ability to take disappointments, shoulder some responsibility, or handle their own problems"

It's still hard but it gives me some peace.

I never thought at the beginning of thread 1 that it would end up being a police matter.
They sound like they exist on drama. Clearly, they don’t do much in their own lives and have little else to think about. And I’m not judging or being a snob because I am unable to work much right now. But what I don’t do is demand people with more than me buy expensive stuff.
This is the first year I have read MN posts and the dread and stress Christmas causes starts months in advance. Obviously, most people have a lovely time, but the threads on here have left me realising that my simple version of it is fine.
This family have driven a lovely young mum away because of their own greed. I don’t think I’ve ever wished anyone a shit Christmas before… but I will make an exception in this case!

Totally off track, but I am In awe of any single parent who has the resources to do both what you have done, and what you have planned!

sorry to butt in just to say thhhey stopped tis on the cruise now people were hiding them in dangerous places

the cruise is amazing though hope yu both have a great time

I kind of hoped your post wasn’t real as it seemed mad that you went to so much effort and spent so much money on a bunch of selfish arseholes!!

@Grinch123 cannot help but watch in horror as the true scale of your family’s dysfunction exposes itself. Whatever you do, please know that this is about them and the toxic dynamics that have evolved over generations and NOT about your worthiness and value.

I was the first person to ‘escape’ to uni in my family, to have the opportunity of a different life to the one my mother had (council flat in SW London), to be able to give my kids something different to what I’d known growing up. Am also guilty of lavishing ‘things’ on my kids, especially at Christmas (these were horrendous for me as a child with a financially dubious and anorexic mother plying us with extravagant gifts to compensate for 364 days of abuse).

But my kids know they are loved, my ‘new’ family are amazing. My PiL are loving and accepting of me… there is more out there, good people. Your family are, frankly, seriously fucked up. They are not a reflection of you, but simply provide a context of what an incredible achievement your career, financial success and - most importantly - your parenting is.

Can only send a hug. One survivor of utter dysfunction, one mum to another.

Have a wonderful Christmas, adore your daughter, and protect yourself from those hyenas of a family.

OP
They say that children can see which are the bad relatives and parents can see which are the bad friends. So if you’d carried on your DD would have noticed her poor DM spending all her time and money on people who were rude to her and kept making digs whilst always expecting tons of money spent on them and everything organised.
#Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Have a fabulous time in Disney!!

Merry Disney Christmas OP. Sending nothing but blessings your way

I’d be talking to a lawyer about the malicious call they made to your child’s nursery. You need legal advice to help arm yourself against whatever further batshittery is coming. Also, you seem to struggle with standing up to your family (you haven’t really told them why you aren’t hosting, you’re glossing over it) and a lawyer can be an arsehole on your behalf if necessary.

I would also go scorched-earth with the whole family for this alone. You want to risk my relationship with, and custody of, my child? We’re done. Permanently. Don’t contact me again in any manner or I will report you for harassment.

And I might also send a cease and desist letter for good measure.

What they have done is dangerous, OP, and they may escalate. Take it seriously.

For future Christmases, something you might be interested in - there's an organisation called HOST UK which matches foreign students who can't get home for Christmas with UK hosts.. They don't need to come and stay, they can come just for the day. Advantages to the host is it fulfils that need to create a Christmas for someone, and it's a way of getting guests at Christmas.

HOST UK

We did it a couple of times, but the main reason we stopped was not from dissatisfaction but because our first guest, a PhD student, became good friends, and then brought his family over, so we had lovely big two-family Christmases, as well as get togethers the rest of the year.