Cancelling Christmas Pt 2 - Updates

[Grinch123]

Hi all,

Know the last thread here filled up very quickly and there were so many wonderful and supportive comments that got me through a very tough 24 hours! Thank you if you contributed, it meant a lot 🙂

Starting a part 2 to provide updates/vent, (and take any Disney planning advice 😂) as a few people have asked and also I know I'll need more support over the next few weeks as it's been tough! If you want to stick around on this thread, I'd appreciate it.

Updates from yesterday:

Dropped off all Christmassy foods/stocking fillers etc at our local Foodbank. Couldn't get through to anyone at the charity that supports refuges - I'm in the office today but have emailed a nearby school to see if they want the bits to raffle off at their fayre this weekend.

Locks are changed! Thought this was a bit of an overreaction but DSis tried to come over again last night (we weren't in) so I guess not.

Told DD about Disney, she's ridiculously excited and I think young enough she doesn't realise this = missing out on a 'family' Christmas. Also bought festive Minnie PJs and Christmas ears online.

Family are being a nightmare. I have messages from all of them on pretty much any site you can message a person on (WhatsApp/messenger/texts/loads of missed calls) - everything from begging/emotional manipulation, to being told to F off (by a parent!) for screwing up Christmas because I like to use my money to control everyone and play with peoples feelings 😅 Also messages from mutual friends checking in because siblings have told them I've 'lost the plot' ~ and a concerned call from DDs nursery, evidently one of them has called the nursery worried about my mental health and asked if they could check in?! Thankfully the nursery haven't shared any info with them at all (they don't do any pick ups etc) but it was a painful conversation to have!

I've disassociated with it and messaged them all, once, along the lines of 'life is really busy at the moment, will look forward to catching up when we get back but I do need some space.' I think it's been a scales dropping from my eyes moment, because I'm sure lots of this would've worked on me in the past, but now it's just making me mad 😬

I agree. They need to stop right now. Your poor dd does not deserve to have her security and life rocked like this by such malignant behaviour by the very people that are supposed to love her. Her own family. Nothing about this is okay. It’s so toxic and dangerous. The police will offer support and I believe you will feel much safer having the protection of the police, lawyers and other agencies that can and will take care of you and little dd. I very much hope you are okay op. It’s a very tough situation you are in.

In light of the maliciousness of your family I think I would look into getting a house sitter in or a friend to stay or at least check up on your house. Making calls to social care is awful. Anything that affects your little girl is unacceptable and I wouldn't put it past them to break in to "check on you" or something similar as they are not mentally reasonable

Can I suggest caution. My experience of having a dysfunctional family who I have had to walk away from would urge caution. I walked away from my siblings - not one got in touch and it hurt, I don't believe I was being unreasonable (doesn't everyone!) but their lack of care really hurt and even though I feel free from their bad behaviour it took a long time to come to terms with the loss. I'm not suggesting in any way you should put up with their bad behaviour but given they are keen to communicate you can at least have a discussion.

Well done OP. I've read all your updates but not all of the thread. Since you are going abroad I think you should consider talking to your Health Visitor (or even Social services) to explain what's happening with your family and explain that you are worried about a call to Social Services.

I wouldn't suggest this usually, but an investigation might stop you from being able to travel.

I really hope you have a lovely holiday with your DD.

@Grinch123 Well done for staying strong and not caving into to all the abuse you're currently receving. Their behaviour is digusting but not surprising they know the tap to your money is now off. They're gonna do this for a while to wear you down just don't engage and distance yourself.

Your sister has shown what a two faced, nasty and sneaky cunt she is she was ready to try and come on your holiday and leave the others seething and then no doubt tried to let herself into your house to hunt for and take the presents and god knows what else probably the food too. She's more disappointed you had the savy to pre-empt her and change the locks 🤣🤣

Keep all messages and logs of phone calls and all footage on your doorbell maybe give a friend you trust a spare key and ask them to keep an eye on the place I can see your family trying to get in whilst you're away.

Enjoy Disney and a nice break away from those shower of cunts who call themselves family they've got exactly what they deserve a shitty xmas and no luxuries due to their utter cheek, entitlement and sheer greed and selfishness!

Sorry if I missed this - have you explained to the head a little of what is happening?

You grew up in an abusive toxic family and even though you were a child yourself you were forced to take responsibility and parent your family. You felt you had to stop your family from imploding and like all abused children the thought of being taken away into care is far terrifying than staying with abusive parents. You papered over the cracks, convinced yourself your parents had no control over themselves because they had bad Mh, that they couldn’t help being Ill, (they were abusive because that’s who they are). To think otherwise that all your lives might be in danger through neglect and abuse by parents is always denied because the children think it’s normal and blame themselves.
You still see them all through rose tinted glasses, you have been trying to keep them happy, stable and secure like you did as a child by spoiling them, giving them money and trying to make up for the past. When your daughter was born they saw her as a threat, you had a baby who would take away your attention and money. Your Christmas’s became more lavish to smooth down their ruffled feathers, their insecurities but their resentment still festered so they snubbed you and dd by not even getting you both a token present. Their jealousy and resentment of you both was so strong that you started to see it was all one sided.
This last week you have seen their true colours, who and what they truly are without your rose tinted glasses on. You have this big dream of a close family that you can bring your daughter up in feeling secured, loved and cherished. The family you desperately wanted to be brought up in as a child, your dream family. Instead of this dream family they are a nest of vipers! You need to realise you and your daughter are enough! You have a family you can cherish with stability and love, it’s you and dd ❤️.
Your parents and siblings are who they are, they will not see the light and change. They are not capable of love only manipulation and to surround yourself and your dd with them is letting the cycle carry on to affect your daughter. You are the adult now, not the scared child so protect your child by healing from the past and keeping her far away from the wolves who circle you they are only after their next meal.
x

The problem is that when you are parented in a dysfunctional way there is no escape and kids learn to cope in dysfunctional ways, they will all be damaged by the parenting (or lack of) they received, OP and her siblings will all have a role and escaping from that role and redefining yourself within the family dynamics is almost impossible. That is why it's so hard to have a normal relationship with siblings who have had an abusive upbringing - you fall into your expected role and it's very hard not to.

I think it’s doubtful there will be any safe people in ops family, by definition if a single one of them was ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ they would have called out this behaviour long before now. They are all enmeshed in the unhealthy dynamic and quite unable to see how cruel and unkind it is.

How would that help her? Most family members won’t want to get involved in the inner workings of a family, particularly a dysfunctional one. It is often the case the worse the abuse is within a family, other members will choose to look the other way/ignore the abuse in plain sight. It is especially rife with SA.

What difference would it make?! They can’t be very kind or decent if they have stood by and allowed abuse to continue in front of their very eyes for decades on end.

What is a hardliner in this context?
Op would benefit from leaning on trustworthy people outside of her family, ones that have no vested interests in the family unit at all, so she can be fully supported to make some kind of recovery from the abuse she has suffered. I doubt a distant aunt will be much use!

Hope all ok today op... hopefully they given up and you can just enjoy Christmas

Hope all ok today op... hopefully they given up and you can just enjoy Christmas

I hope everything is ok @Grinch123 ?

I'm sure it's fine. 🤔

Actually, I don’t think it will be “fine”. OP’s family have benefitted for years from her money and largesse, which has been abruptly withdrawn quite close to Christmas. I think they will be causing her no end of problems and are no doubt continuing to hound and bully her right now.

That's what I would worry about.
@Grinch123 I hope you're doing OK 💐 🎄

I think you are right, @Greyrockin.

I find it baffling that some people - like @Grinch123's relatives - have so little insight into their behaviour and its results. No reasonable person would have behaved as they have, over the years - demanding expensive gifts, not even thinking of buying their generous relative and her child a gift, taking all the hosting offered without so much as a thank you or an offer of help. And any half way reasonable or sensible person would not have doubled down on the bad behaviour, once the generosity and hosting were withdrawn (for very good reason).

But these CFs have taken and taken over the years, and now cannot see that it is their behaviour that has caused this, and that the only way to mend things is to be properly apologetic and to change their ways. But they cannot even see that they are reaping what they have sown.

While you're busy working booking Disney bits, you should check out a Disney website called thedibb (if you've not come across it already). They've got an amazing community on the forums that will give you loads of little ideas and tips for things to make the trip easier/less stressful/more magical. It's amazing the amount of things I've learned on there and we've still not been yet!

It is very rare for abusive families to’change their ways’ I have seen it happen at times of extreme stress, death and life changing moments but most revert back.

The unit survives on everyone playing their role and not rocking the boat. The minute the boat is rocked as op is doing, they will immediately jump into a defensive position and blame her to protect the status quo. You see this in families of generations of sexual abuse. And other people outside of the family will be aghast as to why everyone stayed silent. It’s the extreme conditioning of the individual members. Almost like a cult.

And like a cult it is very very hard to leave. They share a similar psychology. So whilst we might be horrified, they are not, op is simply performing her role.