AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I had a friend who went this direction too. It started with mask and lockdown obsessiveness, then anti-West, then pro-Putin, then Palestine. She seemed pissed off all the time. You couldn’t just have a normal conversation without her relating something back to one of these topics. I really enjoyed our friendship until then.

Hamas murdered babies too, how on earth can anyone support that? And honestly, I'd rather die in a bombing than suffer what Hamas did to those women they murdered. I actually found it more upsetting after my DS was born in July than at the time. Horrified, yes, but I didn't have the visceral reaction to it that I do now.

i would advise against telling/reminding her that you are Jewish. her extreme views are scary

I can empathise with why you're getting worried about the visit. She seems very intense online. However, she is obviously deeply affected and saddened about something that is deeply saddening. There a plenty of Jewish people who are deeply in tune with the Palestinian cause, Jews for Peace, Na'amod. You don't need to be on 2 different sides. I get you don't feel as intensely about political stuff in general but it sounds like she needs a friend

She sounds deranged. Anyone describing a pile of corpses of murdered innocent teenagers as 'beautiful' needs an urgent mental health intervention.

Same. Irish here too and there is no majority of pro IRA people here. No one wants to go back to that chaos.

Go on then.

I live in North Kerry. I'm in my 40s. At youth club discos the DJ used to play rebel songs and the kids would jump up and down chanting 'Up the Ra.' etc. This was totally normal for us. The youth club leaders, some teachers at school and the parish priest were openly pro IRA. One local retired Priest was a member of the IRA in his youth and everyone knew it and kissed his arse for it.

There are plenty of people locally still glorify the provos and it doesn't take much to get them talking. I do believe they are a section of the population that no one wants to really acknowledge in this country. Hence the backlash on this thread at the suggestion. They walk among us. You know them.

Yeah she sounds deranged and may be actually dangerous to you and your family.
Would use any means necessary to avoid any contact including fibbing. Do agree with some of the harsher comments where is your self respect?

Not read all the posts but wonder where she can be living that she feels free to openly express these views which are illegal in UK for example? Is she living in an Arab country?

I have answered all these questions upthread.

I can say I am Irish and I do not know them. What you have described I have never experienced. Also in my 40s.

I agree. I’d probably meet her and have a few hours together, keep it neutral and then fade the friendship away with no offence. You don’t want the consequences of upsetting her!

Australia. And I have reported a few of her comments and gotten nowhere.

I've never even heard anyone say they're pro IRA in the North, never mind the South.

I've only met him once. I've talked to her mother about it but she claims to have no knowlege of it and doesn't use socials.

I certainly wouldn't want someone which such extreme and hateful views past my front door
I mean, you could say you're ill or you could call her out and say you've seen her posts and you simply don't recognise her as the friend you had

I wouldn't pretend to be ill.

I would want to either end this friendship or help her address her craziness if the friendship really, really meant that much to me and I believed she genuinely wasn't in her right mind. But it would have to be the best friend possible in the world (which, to be fair, she sounds like she was at some point) for me to want to find a way past 'not enough Jews were gassed'. Ugh, that made me feel a bit ill to even type. How can anyone post that on social media?!

I would go passive aggressive to test the waters. Something like:
'Before we meet up, I have to tell you something that I don't think has ever come up. I'm Jewish. I have family members in Israel. I know from Facebook that you hate Jews so I know you won't want to see me when you come over and won't want to be friends any more. If you want to talk about it, get in touch but I think, it's clear that we can't spend time together any more. Neither of us could be comfortable given what your opinions about me are.'

The weird thing is OP's fawning over a nasty racist and anti-semitic nut job in case she upsets her.

Surely no one is that much of a people pleaser.

Maybe I watch too much true crime, but I would be worried she actually does know or has figured out you're Jewish, and may be coming to harm you. She might also want to interrogate / evaluate you.

As you have a child it's your duty to be cautious. She's hate-filled and possibly unstable, and has been eagerly consuming and advocating for murder. Therefore, you should decline her invitation.

Don't worry if you don't feel comfortable telling her the truth; making an excuse rather than directly calling her out could prevent her from specifically fixating on you. Also, in the most optimistic scenario, you're leaving the door open to a good friend, should this be an expression of cult indoctrination or mental illness.

[To be honest a lot of vocal "anti-racist" types are actually exceptionally hateful, and are directing their hatred at the current socially acceptable targets (Jews / white people). If they were born in another time or place they'd be foaming at the mouth with self-righteous hatred against some other group.]