AIBU to be having nightmares over friends visit?

[Allinarow48]

Having nightmares over old friends visit.

One of my closest friends is coming to visit over Christmas, after 10 years living abroad with only ocassional visits I should be excited but I’m actually terrified.

I was best mates with “Jane” since we were kids, we lived together during college and were absolutely inseparable. We really, really loved each other for years and went through a lot together. She is also good friends with my DH and my DD loves her.

During her time abroad she has met a lovely man, had a beautiful son (age 2) and started her own business.

She’s always suffered badly with depression and anxiety and her mental health has been fragile. Although in her new country she found some excellent therapists who really helped her. However lately she seems to be spiralling .

It started during Covid, I think she got very deep into social media. She’s always been very politically active and since she had her son the plight of children in Gaza has been a huge focus for her.

She’s always been very vehemently anti Israel since I’ve known her (We’re Irish and that’s very normal here).

She began to post pro-Hamas stuff just after the 7/11 attacks on Israel and immediately shared Hamas videos of the attacks ( the murder of Israelis and desecration of corpses etc.) With added commentary “This is beautiful to me.” “This is how freedom is gained.” Etc. A lot of Irish people are still quite pro-IRA and once again the support of Hamas isn’t that unusual but actually sharing the videos was extreme.

She then started posting videos of dead Gazan children pretty much continuously. Due to the time difference I can see most of her posting is done at night. I think she posts while feeding her son. Videos accompanied by “This is me.” “This is my son.” “I am Palestine.” kind of stuff. She said in one post that her ability to care for her son has been affected by the secondary trauma of what happening in Gaza.

Then recently she began to go from “Death to Israel” to “Death to the Jews.” She posted in Arabic and I translated it. It was an insta story and then disappeared. And since then she’s pretty much transitioned from anti-Israel to Anti-western and fairly drastic Antisemetic stuff “They didn’t gas enough of you” that kind of thing.

Then she went on to say recently that anyone who doesn’t agree with her should kill themselves or be killed and burn in hell etc…

Now here’s the thing: I’m Jewish, non practicing, I have relatives in Israel and lost a friend to the Hamas attacks. I’m disgusted by the Israeli government at the moment and have a lot of sympathy for the Gazan people but I don’t hate the Israeli people either. I am actually quite middle of the road politically.

Being Irish, Jewishness is is not something I have ever advertised and I’m actually not sure I’ve I ever told her. If she’s aware and doesn’t care or has forgotten and doesn’t mind me seeing her posts.

My mistake is that I never responded to any of her posts and never argued with her. She seems to think we’re totally cool. So she contacted me wanting to see me over Christmas for a day or 2.

I’ve been having nightmares about it. I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself. I also feel bad that my dishonesty caused this situation. If I has said something last year she would probably have ditched me and never wanted to see me again.

I would like some advice on how to proceed.

I am so fucking angry and sick over what she said (Aside form the fact that it's something no one should even think, one branch of my family died in a progrom, which is why the others went to Israel in the first place.)

But I also knew a version of her would would never say something like that.
She has attempted suicide before. She is clearly suffering, mentally unwell and I used to love her. So it's more complicated than that.

Your friend is deplorable but it’s not “a war with Hamas”. Israel is mostly bombing Palestinian civilians. Let’s be real here. amnesty have recently called it a genocide.

I find this post a bit weird.
How would she not know you were Jewish?
Friends since teenage years, lived together yet she didn’t know? Teenage girls who are close friends usually know each other’s details.

As for Irish people being sympathetic to the IRA!
That’s bollox!
Okay…maybe you’ll find the odd armchair terrorist shite-talking before getting chucked out of the pub but they’re the exception not the rule.

I also don’t understand why you’re friends with someone as hate-filled and prejudiced as this person.

I would have reported those foul remarks she made about killing Jews to the police.

She would not get past my front door.

Do you have any relationship with her husband/is this something you could talk to him about?

I'm afraid that regardless of the context/reasons I couldn't have someone like this anywhere near me, and would have unfriended on social video at the first extreme image. I think you need to set firmer boundaries. Regardless of your own background/identity, your friend's behaviour is unacceptable.

Sorry if i’m being ignorant, but I don’t understand the Irish-jewish thing

I don't really care if you believe me or not.

This for me too, that’s just the most horrendous thing to say & anyone who was my friend saying that would know how I felt about it. Please tell her, otherwise she’ll go unchecked thinking everyone is in agreement with her madness

My Parents moved to Ireland before I was born.

You've nothing to feel bad about. You need to tell her your plans have changed and you're no longer available

You are absolutely correct. Thank you.

@Allinarow48 No, sorry, when you are saying majority of Irish are pro hamas and against Jews, why?

Do you know her family or partner? Do they know she is posting this stuff?

But I also knew a version of her would would never say something like that.

Well, she's saying it now. She wants Jews dead, she glories in Jews being killed and thinks there isn't enough of it. That does include you, even if she doesn't know it, so I don't see how the friendship can continue. I don't see how it could continue with any decent person even if they weren't her chosen target.

You say there's a version of her that wouldn't say it, but in my experience racism is something that people keep in check until they have an excuse to let it loose. Do you want to spend your life wondering which version of her you're going to get at any given time?

I'm Irish, I've lived here for 39 years. I don't find that Irish people are pro IRA. It doesnt even come up in conversation. I can't remember the last time I even heard someone talk about that.

What a nightmare situation, I feel for you OP.
Deep breath but my advice would be to be honest with her and tell her how you find her views somewhat extreme (which they are). If she wants to meet up it would have to be on the basis any political discussion was off limits.
I have gradually let friendships drift with people whose political views don't align with my own. Fine if they keep their views to themselves, not fine if they don't. I don't want the upset or the aggro. Unfortunately you don't have that option given the impending visit but I couldn't spend time with someone so extreme in their views

Your friend sounds deranged and unpleasant. I'd be distancing myself and letting her know why.

Honestly OP you are right to be scared to have this woman in your house. Her beliefs and comments are sickening. She sounds deranged and dangerous.
I would stop all contact immediately and block her on every level. I would not allow someone like this near my family

Many Irish people feel their experience of British occupation, sectarian conflict and famine gives them empathy with the Palestinian struggle.
Not anti Jewish though and not pro Hamas.

I didn't say that. I said most Irish people are politically anti Israel (so am I.) And I said Pro Hamas sentiment isn't terribly unusual. Which it isn't if you've ever been to a protest rally or looked at social media lately. The majority of people are sane and reasonable but extremism isn't that unusual these days.

I’m scared I’ll say something or do something that upsets her and she freaks out, or something I do or don’t say triggers her mental heath problems and she hurts herself.

See her only in the day time. Maybe in a busy market or garden centre type place. Don't talk politics

How many Irish people exactly? Or are you a self appointed spokesperson?